Chapter 11. Are You a Skilled Opener, and How Does This Affect Your Relationships?

For each statement, indicate whether or not the statement is characteristic of you.

Question 11.1

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1. People frequently tell me about themselves.

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2. I’ve been told that I’m a good listener.

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3. I’m very accepting of others.

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4. People trust me with their secrets.

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5. I easily get people to “open up.”

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6. People feel relaxed around me.

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7. I enjoy listening to people.

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8. I’m sympathetic to people’s problems.

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9. I encourage people to tell me about how they are feeling.

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10. I can keep people talking about themselves.

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{true} setModel("q1", qqMC1)

{true} setModel("q2", qqMC2)

{true} setModel("q3", qqMC3)

{true} setModel("q4", qqMC4)

{true} setModel("q5", qqMC5)

{true} setModel("q6", qqMC6)

{true} setModel("q7", qqMC7)

{true} setModel("q8", qqMC8)

{true} setModel("q9", qqMC9)

{true} setModel("q10", qqMC10)

{true} setModel("total", qqMC1+1 + qqMC2+1 + qqMC3+1 + qqMC4+1 + qqMC5+1 + qqMC6+1 + qqMC7+1 + qqMC8+1 + qqMC9+1 + qqMC10+1)

Improving these skills may help you to build closer relationships with others. Continue for some tips about nurturing “skilled opener” strengths.

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We are most likely to want to disclose our feelings when we are feeling angry or anxious. Having someone with whom we can share distressing events helps us cope. Dating and married couples who are mutually self-disclosing often express great satisfaction with their relationship and remain committed.

Some people (more often women than men) are already skilled “openers.” They are what Carl Rogers called “growth-promoting” listeners. But not everyone has found their way to this strength. What is the best way to develop your skilled opener talents? Learn to listen actively to others. Hear both their words and their implied feelings, and reflect them back:

• “So you’re feeling . . . .”

• “I think I hear you saying that . . . .”

• “That must have hurt when he said that.”

• “You’re finding it hard to understand . . . .”

When you listen deeply, with empathy, you may be surprised at how willingly people pour their hearts out to you, and how much they appreciate your helping them to open up. Active listening helps friends and partners to feel accepted, and builds trust in these relationships.