Rough Draft with Peer and Instructor Responses
Would any of the general comments about Erin’s draft also apply to your draft?
What have your readers noted or suggested for your draft?
Erin also received some overall comments with suggestions for revision.
What has your instructor suggested about your draft?
| PEER: | I really think you did a good job creating the experience. You’re a very descriptive writer, and I liked being able to imagine the experience—the road, the animals, the flowers by the house. I also liked how you used contrasting paragraphs—long paragraph 5 to explain the situation and then short paragraph 6 for the outcome. (But I still think 5 might be too wordy.) You got the reflection part started at the beginning, too, so I knew you were thinking about it. I just wasn’t that sure about how you ended with it. My own son traces things with his hands, so I could see what you meant about Mr. Hertli, but I expected you to explain it more. Maybe you could add here to make the conclusion stronger when you revise. |
| INSTRUCTOR: | Erin, you’ve selected and developed a provocative experience that changed your thinking. However, readers need more explanation and interpretation to share the intensity of your experience. If you explained its significance more fully, your conclusion would be more compelling. I’m wondering if you’re trying to find that significance by synthesizing—the reading and thinking skill we discussed in class last week. You seem to be pulling together your actual experience with Mr. Hertli and your insight about the young child who grew up to be this man in order to develop a new idea that goes beyond them. Besides strengthening your concluding reflections as you revise, look also at your fine selection of details. They enrich your description, but try to make sure that all of them are forceful and relevant. |