Keeping It Clear

Recall what you want to achieve — clear, direct communication with your readers using specific, unambiguous words arranged in logical order.

WORDY He is more or less a pretty outstanding person in regard to good looks.
REVISED He is strikingly handsome.

Read your draft with fresh eyes. Return, after a break, to passages that have been a struggle; heal any battle scars by focusing on clarity.

UNCLEAR Thus, after a lot of thought, it should be approved by the board even though the federal funding for all the cow-tagging may not be approved yet because it has wide support from local cattle ranchers.
CLEAR In anticipation of federal funding, the Livestock Board should approve the cow-tagging proposal widely supported by local cattle ranchers.

MICRO REVISION CHECKLIST

  • Have you positioned what counts at the beginning or the end?
  • Are you direct, straightforward, and clear?
  • Do you announce an idea before you utter it? If so, consider chopping out the announcement.
  • Can you substitute an active verb where you use a form of be (is, was, were)?
  • Can you recast any sentence that begins There is or There are?
  • Can you reduce to a phrase any clause beginning with which, who, or that?
  • Have you added deadwood or too many adjectives and adverbs?
  • Do you see any long words where short words would do?
  • Have you kept your writing clear, direct, and forceful?

For his composition class, Daniel Matthews was assigned a paper using a few sources. He was to write about an “urban legend,” a widely accepted and emotionally appealing — but untrue — tale about events. The following selection from his paper, “The Truth about ‘Taps,’” introduces his topic, briefly explaining the legend and the true story about it. The first draft illustrates macro revisions (highlighted in the margin) and micro revisions (marked in the text); the clear and concise final version follows.

FIRST DRAFT

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REVISED DRAFT

Anyone who has ever attended the funeral services for a fallen veteran of the United States of America has stood fast as a lone bugler filled the air with a mournful last tribute to a defender of the nation. The name of the bugle call is “Taps,” and the legend behind its origin has gained popularity as it has circulated in this time of war and terror. According to this story, Union Captain Robert Ellicombe discovered that a Confederate casualty was, in fact, his son, a music student in the South. The father found “Taps” in his son’s pocket, and the tune was first played at a military burial as his son was laid to rest (Coulter). Although this tale of a beautiful ode to a fallen warrior is heartfelt, it is an “urban legend.” As such, it fails to provide due justice to the memories of the men responsible for the true origin of “Taps.”

General Daniel Butterfield is the true originator of the bugle call “Taps.” Butterfield served in the Union army during the Civil War and was awarded the Medal of Honor for actions during that time. One of his most endearing claims to fame is the bugle call “Taps,” which he composed at Harrison’s Landing in 1862 (Warner 167). “Taps” originates from another call named “Lights Out,” used by the army to signal the end of the day and itself a derivative of “Tattoo,” a British bugle call similar in both sound and purpose (Villanueva). Butterfield, wanting a new and original call unique to his command, summoned bugler Oliver Willcox Norton to his tent one night. Rather than compose an altogether new tune, he instead modified the notes to the call “Lights Out” (US Military District of Washington). Shortly thereafter this call could be heard up and down the Union lines as other commanders heard the call and adapted it for their own use.