1

It is sadly apparent to those who travel this great country — when they see along the highways aging bikers with long grey ponytails or on the beaches men who are long past the age when they should be seen in Speedos or at political rallies, where they quake in fear over competing claims about retirement benefits — that the elderly are not only an eyesore but also a growing threat to our society because of their cost, the speed at which they drive, and because, absent real work to do or support from their impoverished government, they could easily turn to crime or worse, turn to us, their relatives, and seek to move into our basement or family rooms.

2

I think it is agreed by all Americans that this prodigious number of burdensome old folks visible to all as they conduct their morning mall walks or take up valuable bench space in public parks are — given the present deplorable state of the nation — a source of great unease, debate and public dissension and therefore whoever could find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these chronologically challenged Americans sound and useful members of the commonwealth would earn the gratitude of the public to such a degree that he would have a statue erected in his honor.

3

The great advantage to my program is instantly apparent to anyone who hears it, even those with profound intellectual deficits like reality-show contestants and members of Congress: It solves not only the greatest problem the country faces — that of ensuring care for the elderly — but it also does so instantly and in such a sweeping nature that it might once again reknit the rent fabric of our polity and restore unity to a fractured, hurting society.

4

The aforementioned program is the draft, nationwide conscription, and my proposal is that we institute mandatory military service for all Americans over 65.

5

Can you think of a single proposal that so directly addresses the shared concerns of an aging nation for its oldest citizens while at the same time guaranteeing the public care for those seniors sought by Democrats and providing for the strengthened national defense so important to all Republicans? One that helps trim our fiscal deficit and eliminate the retirement health-care deficit altogether?

6

This approach would immediately place our elderly into the care of the government via an institution, the military, which is accustomed to providing for every need of its members and has a long history of putting into productive use those whom age also renders nearly impossible to deal with: teenagers.

7

Second, because every older American would be in the military, we would actually have no need at all for Medicare.

8

Third, because the nature of modern warfare is increasingly limited to electronic, cyber, drone-based or other joystick-driven activities, the physical limitations of many older Americans should not be a problem.

9

Fourth, because it is unavoidable that conflicts do occur, were we to field an army of the elderly, we would eliminate war’s greatest tragedy: the untimely death of the young who have historically been called upon to fight. This would have the added benefit of significantly reducing the health-care and Social Security costs these honored dead might otherwise have incurred, especially those associated with the last six months of life.

10

The program would get aging drivers off the roads. Similarly, programs like “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” would be unnecessary, as most members of the military won’t remember what the question was in the first place.

11

Supposing that there are 40 million Americans over the age of 65, and 48 million on Medicare, this would clearly both largely remove the problems associated with that failing program and, at the same time, provide a large pool of people for military service. While there are currently 73 million people between the ages of 18 and 49 and thus eligible for military service, it must be remembered that a draft would bring far more people into service than the approximately 2.25 million Americans in active or reserve service today.

12

Given the obvious merits of such a program, I think it is fair to ask that no man or woman take issue with it unless he or she has a superior idea.