Chapter 1. Happiness, Marriage, and Babies: Is There a Secret?

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Synopsis

This activity focuses on the relationship between marriage, happiness, and the arrival of a new baby. Internationally recognized marriage researchers, John and Julie Schwartz Gottman, present strategies for surviving marriage when baby makes three.

Does marriage make people happy or do happy people get married? This and similar questions have been raised in developmental literature. What do you think?

Studies on the effect of marriage on people’s happiness suggest that generally, married people are a little happier, healthier, and richer than unmarried people of the same age and background. Even though married people in the United States reported being “very happy” more often than did single people (Ingelhart, 1990), do not go running to the altar without some additional consideration! For instance, in Portugal, single people reported being happier. In France, single people reported the same level of happiness as those who were married (Diener et al., 2000). These differences in attitudes about happiness held by either single or married people in a variety of countries are generally slight.

One suggestion is that marriage provides additional sources of self-esteem and a refuge from loneliness (Argyle, 1999). When an individual has a loving spouse, it is easier for that person to accept difficulties in other parts of life, such as trouble at work, financial strain, or social challenges. Married people are more likely to experience a lasting and supportive intimate relationship, and they suffer less from loneliness.

Among the non-married, those who cohabit with a partner are significantly happier than those who live alone, but this effect is dependent on the culture in which one lives. It turns out that non-married people living together with partners in individualistic societies that foster independence and individual achievement tend to experience egalitarian relationships and flexibility in roles. Therefore, they report higher life satisfaction than single and sometimes, even married people in those same societies. The opposite trend appears in collectivist societies that prioritize adherence to social norms over individual interests and personal goals.

One major factor affecting marital happiness is age at the time of marriage. Couples who marry as teenagers are more likely to be depressed, violent, and less educated than those who marry later in life (Glick et al., 2006). Another determinant of marital happiness is the quality of the relationship between partners. Relationship quality is affected by such things as childhood family relationships, homogamy, cohabitation before marriage, and some of the Big Five personality traits.

The Big Five are those personality traits that remain relatively stable throughout adulthood. They include the following dimensions:

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Some psychologists suggest that transitions or changes in a marriage can affect happiness or subjective well-being (Diener et al., 1999; Johnson and Wu, 2002). One such change is the addition of a baby to a family. By a ratio of nearly three to one, more Americans than ever before say that the main purpose of marriage is “forming a lifetime union between two adults for their mutual happiness and fulfillment” than say its main purpose is “forming a lifetime union between two adults for the purpose of bearing and raising children.” The majority of respondents to a Pew Research Center study indicated that people should be married before having a child (Pew Research Center, 2007). The connections between marriage, happiness, and having a child seem to be very complex.

Nevertheless, children are still vital to adult happiness. Although they may be perceived as less central to marriage than in previous decades, they remain important to most parents. Yet, the arrival of a new baby can cause stress on a marriage.

Research has found that two-thirds of couples experience a significant decline in marriage satisfaction after the first baby arrives (Gottman, 2000). At the Relationship Research Institute, psychologist John Gottman directs an ongoing study called the “Bringing Baby Home Project” in which he examines the toll that babies can take on a marriage.

Play the video to hear what Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, share about surviving marriage after a baby.

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Play the video to hear Dr. John Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, discuss strategies that might help save a marriage after the arrival of children.

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