Children gradually learn when and how to express emotions, becoming more capable in every aspect of their lives. Controlling the expression of emotions, called emotional regulation, is the preeminent psychosocial task between ages 2 and 6. Emotional regulation is a lifelong endeavor, affected by temperament and time, but early childhood is a crucial period for its development (Gross, 2014; Lewis, 2013). Difficulty with emotional regulation predicts many psychosocial problems later on.

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Such regulation is virtually impossible in infancy, but when the emotional hot spots of the limbic system connect to the prefrontal cortex, children become better able to control their reactions. This is not easy; it requires practice, maturation, and work, called effortful control (Eisenberg et al., 2014).

By age 6, children can usually be angry but not explosive, frightened but not terrified, sad but not inconsolable, anxious but not withdrawn, proud but not boastful. Depending on each child’s temperament, some emotions are easier to control than others, but even temperamentally angry or fearful children can learn to modify the expression of their emotions (Moran et al., 2013, Tan et al., 2013).

Emotional regulation is a lifelong necessity; no one does it perfectly all the time. When Rachel dropped the orange juice, I should not have yelled. Fortunately, my unregulated expression of anger stopped there. Learning to regulate emotion is a long process.

During Erikson’s third developmental stage, initiative versus guilt, children acquire many skills and competencies in addition to emotional regulation. Initiative can mean several things—saying something new, expanding an ability, beginning a project. Depending on the outcome (especially reactions from other people), children feel proud or guilty.

Usually, North American parents encourage enthusiasm, effort, and pride in their 2- to 6-year-olds, and also prevent guilt from becoming self-hatred. If, instead, parents ignore rather than guide emotions, a child may not learn emotional regulation (Morris et al., 2007).

Adults may think that children should have an accurate view of their abilities. But that is not typical of preschool children, nor should it be. Children are proud of themselves, optimistically overestimating their prowess. That helps them try new things, which advances skills of all kinds. As Erikson predicted, their optimistic self-concept protects them from guilt and shame.

Children’s beliefs about their worth require first a sense that they are a person (self-awareness, usually attained at 18 months), accompanied by lack of self-criticism. This flourishes with parental confirmation, especially when parents remind their children of their positive accomplishments (“You helped Daddy sweep the sidewalk. You made it very clean.”).

Remember that Erikson described autonomy at ages 1 and 2, a stage often characterized by stubbornness and nicknamed “the terrible twos.” By age 3, autonomy is transformed to become initiative, as children act on their eagerness to learn new skills (Rubin et al., 2009). This chapter’s opening anecdote is an example: Rachel was learning to get juice when she was thirsty. Both autonomy and initiative are more prized in Western cultures than in Eastern ones, where children learn to be socially attuned and interdependent (Keller & Otto, 2011).

Children in North America and Europe develop a strong self-concept, an understanding of themselves. For example, young children are given choices: “Apple or banana?” “Blue pajamas or red ones?” Choosing makes people believe they are independent agents (Kim & Chu, 2011). Preschool children do not usually realize the limits of their choices, as my friend did when his 4-year-old daughter wanted him to make a valentine. He did not want to do it, but she gave him only two choices: a valentine for his mother or his wife.

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In the United States, self-concept quickly includes gender and size. Girls are usually happy to be girls; boys to be boys; both are glad they aren’t babies. “Crybaby” is an insult; praise for being “a big kid” is welcomed; pride in being able to do something better than a younger child is boasted out loud.

Erikson recognized that young children are not realistic. They believe that they are strong, smart, and good-looking—and thus that any goal is achievable. Whatever they are (self-concept) is thought to be good.

For instance, young children not only believe that their nation and religion are best; they feel sorry for children who do not belong to their country or church. At this age, a protective optimism encourages children to try unfamiliar activities, make friends, begin school, and so on (Boseovski, 2010). The same is true for mastering skills: They learn to pour juice, zip pants, and climb trees, undeterred by overflowing juice, stuck zippers, or a perch too high. Faith in themselves helps them persist.

Moreover, children are cognitively ready to understand group categories, not only of ethnicity, gender, and nationality, but even categories that are irrelevant, such as children whose names begin with the same letter. Such categories seem to be part of human thinking lifelong, so group identity appears spontaneously once the child is old enough. One amusing example occurred when preschoolers were asked to explain why one fictional creature would steal from another. They immediately suggested a reason, as you would expect from theory-theory.

“Why did a Zaz steal a toy from a Flurp?”

“Because he’s a Zaz, but he’s a Flurp. They’re not the same kind….

“Why did a Zaz steal a toy from a Zaz?

“Because he’s a very mean boy.”

[Rhodes, 2013, p. 259]

The new initiative that Erikson describes results from myelination of the limbic system, growth of the prefrontal cortex, and a longer attention span—all the result of neurological maturation. (Developmental Link: Brain maturation is described in detail in Chapter 5 and Chapter 8.) Emotional regulation and cognitive maturation develop together, each enabling the other to advance (Bell & Calkins, 2011; Lewis, 2013).

Normally, neurological advances in the prefrontal cortex at about age 4 or 5 make children less likely to throw tantrums, pick fights, or giggle during prayer. Throughout early childhood, violent outbursts, uncontrolled crying, and terrifying phobias (irrational, crippling fears) diminish. The capacity for self-control, such as not opening a present immediately if asked to wait and not expressing disappointment at an undesirable gift, becomes more evident.

For example in one study, researchers asked children to wait 8 minutes while their mothers did some paperwork before opening a wrapped present in front of them (Cole et al., 2011). The children used strategies to help them wait, including distractions and private speech.

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Keisha was one of the study participants:

“Are you done, Mom?” … “I wonder what’s in it” … “Can I open it now?”

Each time her mother reminds Keisha to wait, eventually adding, “If you keep interrupting me, I can’t finish and if I don’t finish …” Keisha plops in her chair, frustrated. “I really want it,” she laments, aloud but to herself. “I want to talk to mommy so I won’t open it. If I talk, Mommy won’t finish. If she doesn’t finish, I can’t have it.” She sighs deeply, folds her arms, and scans the room…. The research assistant returns. Keisha looks at her mother with excited anticipation. Her mother says, “OK, now.” Keisha tears open the gift.

[Cole et al., 2011, p. 59]

According to a longitudinal study of preschoolers who managed to wait before eating a marshmallow in order to get two marshmallows, the ability to delay gratification correlates with success in adulthood (Mischel, 2014).

Motivation (the impulse that propels someone to act) comes either from a person’s own desires or from the social context.

Intrinsic motivation comes from within, when people do something for the joy of doing it: A musician might enjoy making music even when no one else hears it. Intrinsic motivation is thought to advance creativity, innovation, and emotional well-being (Weinstein & DeHaan, 2014).

Extrinsic motivation comes from outside, when people do something to gain praise or another reinforcement. A musician might play for applause or money. Humans seek such external rewards, but if the reward stops, the behavior stops.

Intrinsic motivation is crucial for young children, with almost all of them playing, questioning, and exploring for the sheer joy of it. That serves them well. A study found that 3-year-olds who were strong in intrinsic motivation were, two years later, especially strong in early math and reading skills (Mokrova et al., 2013).

Child-centered preschools, as described in Chapter 9, depend on the reality that children love to talk, play, and move. Praise and prizes might be appreciated, but that’s not why children work at what they do. When playing a game, they might not keep score; the fun is in the activity (intrinsic), not the winning.

Intrinsic motivation is apparent when children invent dialogues for their toys, concentrate on creating a work of art or architecture, and converse with imaginary friends. Such conversations with invisible companions are rarely encouraged by adults (i.e., no extrinsic motivation), but from about age 2 to 7, imaginary friends are increasingly common. Children know their imaginary friends are pretend, but conjuring them up meets intrinsic needs (M. Taylor et al., 2009).

In a classic experiment designed to understand more about why children do what they do, preschool children were given markers and paper for drawing and assigned to one of three groups who received, respectively: (1) no award, (2) an expected award (they were told before they had drawn anything that they would get a certificate), and (3) an unexpected award (after they had drawn something, they heard, “You were a big help,” and got a certificate) (Lepper et al., 1973).

Later, observers noted how often children in each group chose to draw on their own. Those who received the expected award were less likely to draw than those who were unexpectedly rewarded. The interpretation was that extrinsic motivation (condition #2) undercut intrinsic motivation.

This research triggered a flood of studies seeking to understand whether, when, and how positive reinforcement should be given. The consensus is that praising or paying a person after an accomplishment sometimes encourages that behavior. However, if payment is promised in advance, that extrinsic reinforcement may backfire (Deci et al., 1999; Cameron & Pierce, 2002; Gottfried et al., 2009).

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Praise is effective when it is connected to the particular production, not to a general trait. For example, the adult might say, “You did a good drawing,” not “You are a great artist.” The goal is to help the child realize that effort paid off, which motivates a repeat performance (Zentall & Morris, 2010).

In another set of experiments that suggest that specific praise for effort is better than generalized statements, some 4- to 7-year-old children were told that boys (or girls) are good at a particular game. Knowing that made their scores on the game lower than those of other children. They apparently feared that they would not be as good as most children of their age and sex. They “felt less happy and less competent, liked the game less, and were less persistent” (Cimpian, 2013, p. 272). By contrast, children who were told that one particular child was good at the game believed that personal effort mattered. That belief was motivating; their scores were higher than those told the general statement.

As you know, cultural differences are apparent in every aspect of development. This is quite obvious in emotional expression. Children may be encouraged to laugh/cry/yell or the opposite, to hide those emotions. Some adults guffaw, slap their knees, and stomp their feet for joy; others cover their mouths with their hands if a smile spontaneously appears. Children learn to do the same.

Control strategies vary culturally as well. Peers, parents, and strangers sometimes ignore emotional outbursts, sometimes deflect them, sometimes punish them. Shame is used when social reputation is a priority. In some cultures, “pride goeth before a fall” and people who “have no shame” are considered mentally ill (Stein, 2006).

Finally, families, cultures, and nations differ as to which emotions most need to be regulated. Cohort changes and social stereotypes distort any attempt to link specific nations with the emotions each attempts to regulate, but the following illustrates the idea of cultural variations:

(Chen, 2011; Harkness et al., 2011; J. G. Miller, 2004; Stubben, 2001; Tahmouresi et al., 2014).

Temperaments vary, which makes people within the same culture unlike one another. “Cultures are inevitably more complicated than the framework that is supposed to explain them” (Harkness et al., 2011, p. 92). Nonetheless, parents everywhere teach emotional regulation, hoping their children will adapt to the norms of their culture, and cultures differ in which emotions are particularly unwelcome (Kim & Sasaki, 2014).

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Universally, at every age, in all cultures and cohorts, caregivers try to prevent psychopathology, an illness or disorder (-pathology) of the mind (psycho-). Although symptoms and diagnoses are influenced by culture (rebellion is expected in some cultures and pathological in others), impaired emotional regulation signals mental imbalance everywhere. Parents guide young children toward “an optimal balance” between emotional expression and emotional control (Blair & Dennis, 2010; Trommsdorff & Cole, 2011).

Without adequate regulation, emotions are overwhelming. Intense reactions can occur in opposite ways, as you might expect from the activate/inhibit nature of neurons, as explained in Chapter 8.

Some people have externalizing problems: Their powerful feelings burst out uncontrollably. They externalize rage, for example, by lashing out or breaking things. Without emotional regulation, an angry child might pummel another person or lie down screaming and kicking. By age 5, children usually have learned more self-control, perhaps pouting or cursing, not hitting and screaming.

Other people have internalizing problems: They are fearful and withdrawn, turning distress inward. Emotions may be internalized via headaches or stomach aches. Although the cause is psychological, the ache is real. Girls tend to internalize and boys to externalize, although children of both sexes do both.

With maturity, the extreme fears of some 2-year-olds (e.g., terror of the bathtub drain, of an imagined tidal wave, of a stranger on crutches) diminish. The fear isn’t gone, but expression is regulated. A frightened 2-year-old might hide in the closet; a 5-year-old might be afraid of kindergarten but will bravely let go of Mother’s hand and enter the classroom.

Both undercontrol, which produces externalizing behavior, and overcontrol, which leads to internalizing behavior, are much more common in 3-year-olds than in 5-year-olds. Experiences during those years interact with brain maturation, ideally strengthening emotional regulation (Lewis, 2013).

Sex differences in internalizing and externalizing behavior are traditionally assumed to be biological, perhaps hormonal, but a cultural explanation is also possible. Do parents and cultures teach young girls to restrain externalizing actions (“not ladylike”), while teaching boys to avoid crying (“be a man”)? Trying to understand the causes of sex or gender differences is a concern of thousands of researchers (Eagly & Wood, 2013). Conflicting theories and evidence are presented later in this chapter. In any case, unless they master emotional regulation during early childhood, boys tend to throw and hit and girls tend to sob or hide.

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