13.2 Intimacy

Every adult experiences the crisis Erikson called intimacy versus isolation, seeking to connect with other people. Specifics vary. Some adults are distant from their parents but close to partners and friends; others rely on family members but not on nonrelatives. The need for intimacy is universal yet dynamic: Each adult regulates closeness and reciprocity, combining friends, acquaintances, and relatives (Lang et al., 2009).

Everyone is part of a social convoy, a group of people who “provide a protective layer of social relations to guide, encourage, and socialize individuals as they go through life” (Antonucci et al., 2001). The term convoy originally referred to a group of travellers in hostile territory, such as soldiers marching across unfamiliar terrain. Individuals were strengthened by the convoy, sharing difficult conditions and defending one another.

As people move through life, their social convoy metaphorically functions as those earlier convoys did (Crosnoe & Elder, 2002; Lang et al., 2009). Paradoxically, current changes in the historical context (globalization, longevity, and ethnic and sexual diversity) make intimacy more vital. Humans need social convoys (Antonucci et al., 2007).

Friends and Acquaintances

Friends are crucial members of the social convoy, partly because they are chosen for the traits that make them reliable fellow travellers. They are usually about the same age, with similar experiences and values. Mutual loyalty and aid are expected from friends: A relationship that is imbalanced (one person always giving, the other always taking) over the years is likely to end because both parties are uneasy. Of course, sometimes a friend needs care and cannot reciprocate at the time. Friends provide practical help and useful advice when serious problems—death of a family member, personal illness, job loss—arise.

Shared Genes, Different History These four generations of one family in rural China illustrate historical shifts in social relationships. The great-grandmother’s social convoy was confined to close family members, a marked contrast to her great-granddaughter, who has many friends from work and school.

REZA/GETTY IMAGES

Friendship and Human DevelopmentA comprehensive study found that friendships improve with age. To be specific, adolescents and young adults consider a significant minority of their friendships ambivalent or problematic. By adulthood, most friendships are rated close, few are ambivalent, and almost none are problematic (Fingerman et al., 2004).

Close friends offer companionship, information, and laughter in daily life. They encourage one another during challenging periods, helping with mental health. One reason depression seems to decrease with age is that friends are more carefully selected, and friendships are more nourished, so that friends become more supportive over time.

Friends help with details of physical health as well, encouraging one another to eat better, quit smoking, exercise, and so on. The reverse is also true: If someone gains weight over the years of adulthood, his or her best friend is likely to do so as well. In fact, although most adults keep their friends for decades, health habits are one reason some adults change friends (O’Malley & Christakis, 2011). For instance, a friendship between a chain smoker and someone who quit smoking is likely to fray.

If an adult has no friends, health suffers (Couzin, 2009). This seems as true in developing nations as in developed ones. Universally, humans are healthier with supportive friends and relatives, and sicker when they are socially isolated (Kumar et al., 2012).

AcquaintancesIn addition to friends, hundreds of other acquaintances provide information, support, social integration, and new ideas (Fingerman, 2009). Neighbours, co-workers, store clerks, the local police officer, members of a religious or community group, and so on are consequential strangers, defined as people who are not in a person’s closest convoy but who nonetheless have an impact.

Among the consequential strangers in your life might be

• dog owners you meet when you walk your dog
• the barber or hair stylist who regularly cuts your hair
• the coffee shop staff from whom you buy a muffin every day
• your friend’s parents.

A consequential stranger may also be an actual stranger, such as someone who sits next to you on an airplane, or directs you when you are lost, or gives you a seat on the bus. Such acquaintances differ from most close friends and family members in that they include people of diverse religions, ethnic groups, ages, and political opinions (Fingerman, 2009). The Internet has strengthened friendships and added more consequential strangers to many people’s lives (Stern & Adams, 2010; Wang & Wellman, 2010).

Regular acquaintances are part of each person’s peripheral social network. With age, the number of such peripheral friends decreases. For example, one study found that the average emerging adult had 16 peripheral friends, but the average middle-aged adult had 12 (Zhang et al., 2011). The same study also found, however, that people who were high in the temperamental characteristic of dependence on others (or interdependence, suggested as a sixth trait added to the Big Five) did not follow the usual pattern of having fewer peripheral friends as they aged. In fact, they were likely to add people to their social network, not lose them (Zhang et al., 2011).

The composition of social networks varies by culture. In many African nations, everyone in the community is in the peripheral network. They might stop by, unannounced, to visit, which in other cultures might be considered rude. Another cultural difference is whether family members are considered friends. For example, one study found that in both Germany and Hong Kong, adults had about the same number of intimates, but the Germans tended to include more non-family friends, whereas the Chinese included more family members (Fung et al., 2008).

Family Bonds

Close friends often are referred to as being “like a sister” or “my brother.” Such terms reflect the assumption that family connections are intimate. As just mentioned, this is more reflective of some cultures than of others, but family relationships are crucial for many adults, usually more so as they age.

Which particular family members become intimates varies for many reasons, as one might expect. One intriguing study of the population of Denmark found that twins married less often than single-born adults. According to the researchers, twins may be less likely to need another close companion (not needing a spouse since they have each other), but if they married, they were less likely to divorce because they knew how to get along with another person (Petersen et al., 2011).

Adult Children and Their ParentsAlthough most adults in modern societies leave their parents’ homes to establish their own households, a study of 7578 adults in seven nations found that physical separation did not necessarily weaken family ties. In fact, these authors concluded that intergenerational relationships are becoming stronger, not weaker, as more adult children live apart from their parents (Treas & Gubernskaya, 2012). This bond is sometimes financial as well as emotional. In many nations, young adults who leave home to find work send most of their salary back home. Personal goals are sacrificed for family concerns, and “collectivism often takes precedence and overrides individual needs and interests” (Wilson & Ngige, 2006).

Other research points to the fact that the relationship between parents and adult children tends to be less affectionate if they live together (Ward & Spitze, 2007). This may be correlation rather than cause, since intergenerational living may come about when either the parents or the children are unable to live independently.

Overall, parents usually provide more financial and emotional support to their adult children than vice versa, although most children rally if necessary. In assessing intimacy, it should be noted that whenever adult children have serious financial, legal, or marital problems, most parents try to help. This has always been evident for young, single adults, but the economic recession has led to an increasing number of 25- to 34-year-olds living with their parents.

Siblings and Other RelativesWith adulthood often comes marriage and childbearing, both of which can potentially increase the closeness between siblings or enhance previous difficulties (Conger & Little, 2010). The potential for closeness is greater when nieces and nephews are born. Parents want their children to know their aunts, uncles, and cousins, and that reduces sibling distance. Furthermore, adulthood frees siblings from forced cohabitation and rivalry, allowing them to differ without fighting.

Competition Among Siblings Fernando (left) and Humberto (right) Campana are designers from Brazil, shown here at an exhibit of their work in Spain. As with many siblings, competition and collaboration have inspired them all their lives.

STEFANO G. PAVESI/CONTRASTO/REDUX

Adult siblings often help one another, providing practical support (especially between brothers) and emotional support (especially between sisters) (see Figure 13.2) (Voorpostel & van der Lippe, 2007). For example, a middle-aged woman who lived thousands of kilometres from her four siblings said

FIGURE 13.2 From Rival to Friend Adolescents are not usually close to their siblings, but that often changes with time. By late adulthood, brothers and sisters usually consider one another among their best friends.

In several South Asian nations, brothers are obligated to bestow gifts on their sisters, who in turn are expected to cook for and nurture their brothers (Conger & Little, 2010). Such patterns may impede individual growth, but they reduce poverty and strengthen family bonds. By encouraging siblings to care for one another, they satisfy intimacy needs.

A large study in the Netherlands found a curious relationship between closeness to parents and closeness among siblings. As expected, when adult women were close to their parents, they also were close to their siblings. To some extent, this was true for the men as well. However, those brothers who were distant from their parents tended to be closer than average to their siblings, as if to compensate. One family link becomes stronger because another one is weak (Voorpostel & Blieszner, 2008).

Getting AlongTime and again, researchers have found that adults who have separate households from other adults in their family are nevertheless profoundly affected by their relationships with these family members. Such relationships can be supportive, as mentioned above, or destructive. Often they are both; ambivalence in parent–child relationships is more likely than placid harmony (Bojczyk et al., 2011; Reid & Reczek, 2011). Parental satisfaction is strongly affected by the adult lives of their children, with the most troubled children having more impact on parental well-being than the happy, successful ones (Fingerman et al., 2012).

Family Harmony It is not easy to craft and sell stringed instruments, especially in the mountains of Northern Italy. However, this father and son team is successful, partly because they support each other.

In one international study, older adults (average age of 77) were asked how they got along with a particular child (average age of 53) (Silverstein et al., 2010). Answers were clustered into four groups: amicable (close, got along well, high communication), detached (distant, low communication), disharmonious (conflict, critical, arguing), and ambivalent (both close and critical, high communication).

All of the six nations studied had some elders in each of the four clusters, with amicable relationships being the most common. National differences were evident in the frequency of each cluster, with England and Norway being the most amicable, Germany and Spain the most detached, and Israel the most ambivalent. No nation had many disharmonious relationships, but the United States had more (20 percent) than the other five nations (Silverstein et al., 2010). Frail and dependent elders were more likely to experience friction, even though they often lived with their children. Close and affectionate family relations were most likely when the government provided many services (e.g., health care, senior residences). This suggests again that emotional intimacy is a distinct need for adults, independent of practical necessity.

Back to the interplay of friends and relatives: In every nation, most family members support each other. However, some adults stay distant from their blood relatives because they find them toxic. Such adults may become fictive kin in another family. They are not technically related (hence fictive), but are accepted and treated like a family member (hence kin). If adults have difficult relationships with their original family or if they are far from home, fictive kin can be a lifeline (Ebaugh & Curry, 2000; Heslin et al., 2011; Kim, 2009; Muraco, 2006).

Committed Partners

As detailed earlier, people in many nations take longer than previous generations did to publicly commit to one long-term romantic partner. Nonetheless, although specifics differ (marriage at age 20 is late in some cultures and far too early in others), adults everywhere seek long-term partners to help meet their needs for intimacy as well as to raise children, share resources, and provide care when needed.

Recent longitudinal Canadian data indicate that in 1961, married couples represented 91.6 percent of census families, but by 2011, this proportion had significantly declined to 67.0 percent. This decrease may be partly due to the increased number of common-law couples, from 5.6 percent in 1981 to 16.7 percent in 2011 (Milan & Bohnert, 2012).

In other nations, less than 2 percent of the population stays single for life. However, cohort matters. In Canada after the Depression, in the first couple of years of World War II (1940–1942), and immediately after the war, the marriage rate was at a high of 11 marriages per 1000 people. The rate then declined steadily (down to about 7 marriages per 1000 in the 1960s) until the 1970s, when the rate increased to 9.2 marriages per 1000. Rates then continued to decline, down to 4.4 in 2008 (see Figure 13.3).

FIGURE 13.3 Changing Marriage Rates Marriage serves important social and economic roles in Canadian society. This graph shows the changes in marriage rates since 1921. The rate of 4.4 marriages per 1000 people in 2008 is the lowest rate seen in the last hundred years.

Same Situation, Far Apart: Happily Married Sarah and Alex (top) met online in North America and now enjoy a face-to-face connection. This couple in Siberia (bottom) lives on a farm and endures cold winters and hard work. Although the couples met in different ways, they are both committed to making a life together.

AKG-IMAGES/MARK DE FRAEYE/NEWSCOM
DAVE REEDE/AGSTOCK IMAGES/CORBIS

Marriage and HappinessFrom a developmental perspective, marriage is a useful institution. Adults thrive if another person is committed to their well-being; children benefit when they have two parents who are legally as well as emotionally dedicated to them; and societies are stronger if individuals form families.

From an individual perspective, the consequences are more mixed. There is no doubt that a satisfying marriage improves health, wealth, and happiness, but some marriages are not satisfying (Fincham & Beach, 2010). Generally, married people are a little happier, healthier, and richer than never-married ones—but not by much.

A 16-nation survey over 20 years ago found one nation (Portugal) where single people were happier than married ones, another (France) where both groups were equally content, and several where married adults were only slightly more often “very happy” than never-married adults. The largest differences were in the United States, where more married than single adults were “very happy” (37 versus 26 percent) (Inglehart, 1990).

Another large longitudinal study of married adults found that

Thus, most adults marry and expect ongoing happiness because of it, but some will be disappointed (Coontz, 2005). Those who never marry can be quite happy as well (DePaulo, 2006).

Cohabitation historically has led to less happy adults than has marriage, especially for women. However, this also is changing by cohort and varies by culture, with some places finding few significant differences between cohabiting and married couples, or between men and women (Stavrova et al., 2012). Researchers now realize that cohabiters who expect to marry are quite different from those who choose to live together without expectation of marriage. If the latter couple eventually marries, their chances of a happy marriage are less than average (Sassler et al., 2012).

For many cohabiters, living together is the first step in commitment and mutual trust. The next step is the wedding, and then each year of marriage increases their public and personal commitment to each other. Divorce becomes less likely, and many signs indicate that they are a couple, not just two individuals. For instance, they have more children than cohabiters who did not intend to marry, the man earns more than comparable unmarried men, and the woman spends more time on household tasks (Kuperberg, 2012).

A sizable number of adults have found a third way to have a steady romantic partner, called living apart together (LAT). They have separate residences, but especially when the partners are older than 30, LATs may be committed to each other, perhaps functioning as a couple for decades (Duncan & Phillips, 2010).

There are many ways to understand love, cross-culturally and over time (Sternberg & Weis, 2006). Robert Sternberg developed one useful construct when he wrote that love has three parts: passion, intimacy, and commitment.

Among twenty-first-century North Americans, passion is usually first, then shared confidences create intimacy, and finally commitment leads to an enduring relationship. When all three are evident, that is consummate love—an ideal sometimes, but not always, attained in marriage (Sternberg, 2006a).

Partnerships Over the YearsNot surprisingly, a meta-analysis of 93 studies found that personal well-being is affected by the quality of the marriage as well as vice versa, especially for people married eight years or longer (Proulx et al., 2007). The long-term nature of a relationship is affected by many factors, including the childhood experiences of both partners (Overbeek et al., 2007), economic instability (decreasing happiness), and the partners’ personalities (agreeable people are usually happy; neurotic ones are usually not).

One Love, Two Homes Their friends and family know that Jonathan and Diana are a happy British couple, together day and night, year after year. But one detail distinguishes them from most couples: Each owns a house. They commute 16 kilometres to be LAT, living apart together.

FRANK BARON/CAMERA PRESS/GUARDIAN/REDUX

The passage of time also makes a difference. For instance, the honeymoon period tends to be happy, but soon frustration increases because conflicts arise (see At About This Time). Intimate partner violence is more likely in the first years of a relationship than later on (H. K. Kim et al., 2008). Partnerships (including heterosexual married couples, committed cohabiters, same-sex couples, and LAT couples) tend to be less happy when the first child is born, and again when children reach puberty (Umberson et al., 2010). Divorce risk rises and then falls as marriage progresses.

Gradually, after a decade or two of declining satisfaction, partnerships improve (Scarf, 2008). Part of the explanation is that many unhappy relationships end after a few years; this is particularly true for cohabiters, who have fewer barriers to separation. Generally, those who continue to be committed learn to appreciate each other, avoiding the flash points that previously caused fights.

Contrary to outdated impressions, the empty nest (the time when parents are alone again after their children have moved out and launched their own lives) often improves a relationship (Gorchoff et al., 2008). Simply spending time together, without interruptions from infants, demands from children, or rebellions from teenagers, improves intimacy as partners can focus on each other’s needs. However, if couples have stayed together because of the children, the empty nest stage can become a time of conflict or divorce.

When all the children have become independent, long-term partnerships often benefit financially. The money spent on children is reduced when they become self-supporting. Many middle-aged couples finally have fewer expenses, so they can afford to be generous to themselves and their offspring. Another financial advantage is seniority: If one or both members of a couple have a steady job, income and security are likely to increase over time. Contemporary couples fight more about money than anything else; middle age reduces that friction.

Aside from the impact of freedom and income, some troubled relationships rebound to earlier levels of satisfaction as mates learn to understand and forgive one another (Fincham et al., 2007). However, much depends on context: The process of forgiveness can help or harm a relationship, depending on the characteristics of the relationship (McNulty & Fincham, 2012). Shared backgrounds, values, and interests (homogamy) reduce conflict, whereas different backgrounds (heterogamy) raise issues that were not expected.

Marriages among people of different ethnic groups increased more than 20-fold from 1960 to 2000 (Lee & Bean, 2007). Such marriages have a higher risk of divorce, not only because of tensions from the outside culture, but also because of clashes in assumptions and habits between the partners (Burton et al., 2010; Fu & Wolfinger, 2011). On the other hand, as you learned in Chapter 1, SES may be more crucial than race: If a couple have ancestors from different continents, but have similar levels of education and family income and are acculturated to the same culture, they may be more compatible than some same-race couples.

Time may help repair a relationship, but sometimes new stressors occur. Economic stress causes marital friction no matter how many years a couple has been together (Conger et al., 2010), and contextual factors can undermine a couple’s willingness to communicate and compromise (Karney & Bradbury, 2005). A long-standing relationship might crumble, especially under the weight of major crises—particularly financial (such as a foreclosed home, a stretch of unemployment) or relational (such as demanding in-laws or an extramarital affair).

Every generality obscures specifics. Some long-term marriages are happy; others are not. Marriage has never been magical: It does not always make adults joyful or children successful (Acs, 2007; Foster & Kalil, 2007). As you remember from the discussion of family structure in Chapter 8, correlation is not causation. Some husbands and wives consider each other best friends, while others do not.

Why Marry? Because many young people question the need for a wedding, marriage rates are down overall, but countries that allow same-sex couples to wed find a sudden increase. Paula Barrero (centre) and Blanca Mejias (right) were married by the Reverend Cheri DiNovo (left) at Emmanuel-Howard Park United Church in Toronto.

TANNIS TOOHEY/TORONTO STAR VIA GETTY IMAGES

Gay and Lesbian PartnersAlmost everything just described applies to gay and lesbian partners as well as to heterosexual ones (Biblarz & Savci, 2010; Herek, 2006). Some same-sex couples are faithful and supportive of each other; their emotional well-being thrives on their intimacy. Others are conflicted, with problems of finances, communication, and domestic abuse resembling those in heterosexual marriages.

Political and cultural contexts for same-sex couples are changing markedly. Many nations, including Canada and Spain, and an increasing number of U.S. states, as well as the District of Columbia, recognize same-sex marriage. Many other nations and U.S. states are ambivalent, and most countries, as well as many states, explicitly outlaw same-sex marriage.

According to Statistics Canada, the last census reported 64 575 same-sex couple families, of which 21 015 were married couples and the others were common-law couples. In total, same-sex couples accounted for 0.8 percent of all couples in Canada in 2011, up from 0.5 in 2001 (see TABLE 13.2) (Statistics Canada, 2012e). Same-sex marriage was legalized in Canada in 2005.

Current research with a large, randomly selected sample of people in gay or lesbian marriages in North America is not yet available. Many studies are designed to prove that same-sex marriage is, or is not, beneficial. That makes it difficult to draw objective conclusions. However, a review of 15 years of same-sex marriages in Denmark, Sweden, and Norway found that neither the greatest fears nor the greatest hopes for such unions are realized (Biblarz & Stacey, 2010).

TABLE 13.2: Distribution (Number and Percentage) and Percentage Change of Couple Families by Opposite-Sex or Same-Sex Status, Canada, 2001 to 2011 Table Summary

Divorce And SeparationThroughout this text, developmental events that seem isolated, personal, and transitory are shown to be interconnected and socially mediated, and to have enduring consequences. Relationships never improve or end in a vacuum; they are influenced by the social and political context (Fine & Harvey, 2006). Divorce, separation, and the end of a cohabiting relationship are all affected by time and circumstances (see TABLE 13.3).

Divorce occurs because at least one half of a couple believes that he or she would be happier not married. According to General Social Survey data, 7 percent of the total Canadian population aged 15 and older in 2006 was divorced. In addition, about 13 percent of the population had experienced at least one divorce, and nearly half had remarried (Beaupré, 2008).

The divorce rate in Canada peaked at 50.6 percent in 1987 after a change in the Divorce Act in 1986 allowed individuals to file for divorce after one year of separation (instead of three years). Since 2008, the divorce rate has ranged between 35 to 42 percent. For example, in 2008, 40.7 percent of marriages were projected to end in divorce. The highest divorce rate was in the Yukon (59.7 percent) and the lowest was in Newfoundland and Labrador (25.0 percent) (Employment and Social Development Canada, n.d.[b]). With each subsequent marriage, the odds of divorce increase.

Typically, people divorce because some aspects of the marriage have become difficult to endure, yet divorce often presents a new set of challenges, including reduced income, lost friendships (many couples have only other couples as friends), and weakened relationships with the children. Weakened relationships occur immediately—usually custodial parents become stricter and non-custodial parents feel excluded—and also when the children become adults (Kalmijn, 2010; Mustonen et al., 2011).

Family problems arise not only with children, but also with other relatives. The divorced adult’s parents may be financially supportive, but they may also be emotionally critical that their child’s marriage did not work out. Some married adults have good relationships with some of their in-laws; this almost always disappears when the couple splits, a loss of part of the social convoy.

Although divorce is finalized on a particular day, from a developmental perspective it is a process that begins years before the official decree and reverberates for decades after (Amato, 2010). Income, family welfare, and self-esteem are lower among the formerly married than among people of the same age who are still married or who have always been single.

Some research finds that women suffer from divorce more than men do (their income, in particular, is lower), but men’s intimacy needs are especially at risk. Some husbands rely on their wives for companionship and social interaction; they are unaccustomed to inviting friends over or chatting on the phone. Divorced fathers are often lonely, alienated from their adult children and grandchildren (Lin, 2008a).

Surprised? Many brides and grooms hope to rescue and reform their partners, but they should know better. Changing another person’s habits, values, or addictions is very difficult.

TOM CHENEY/THE NEW YORKER COLLECTION/CARTOONBANK.COM

If divorce ends an abusive, destructive relationship (as it does about one-third of the time), it usually benefits at least one spouse and the children (Amato, 2010). Furthermore, developing stronger and warmer parent–child relationships after a divorce helps children cope, not only immediately but also for years later (Vélez et al., 2011).

Re-PartneringDivorce is most likely within the first five years after a wedding, and cohabitation usually ends even sooner, with half of cohabiting relationships ending before two years (Kennedy & Bumpass, 2008). (These data are for the United States; intimate partnerships typically last longer elsewhere.)

Usually, both former partners in a severed relationship attempt to re-establish friendships and resume dating. Often they marry again, especially if they are young men. Women with children are less likely to remarry, but when they do, often their new husbands also have children from a previous marriage (Goldscheider & Sassler, 2006). About half of all North American marriages are remarriages for at least one partner.

Divorced adults who do not plan to remarry often develop new romantic partnerships, on average within two years of divorce. Rates of re-partnering vary depending on several factors: Rates are higher among those with more education, higher among those with more income, and lower among those who are already parents. Ethnicity is also a factor—in the United States, African-Americans, especially those with less than a high school education, are least likely to remarry (McNamee & Raley, 2011).

Initially, remarriage restores intimacy, health, and financial security. For remarried fathers, bonds with their new stepchildren or with a new baby may replace strained relationships with their children from the earlier marriage. Divorce usually increases depression and loneliness; re-partnering brings relief.

Most remarried adults are quite happy immediately after the wedding (Blekesaune, 2008). However, their happiness may not endure. Remember that personality tends to change only slightly over the life span; people who were chronically unhappy in their first marriage may also become unhappy in their second. Stepchildren add unexpected stresses (Sweeney, 2010), and stepparents have difficulty letting the spouse’s former mate continue to care for their own children (Gold, 2010). One theory is that because expectations are not clear about the proper role of step-parents, adults fight about what they expect each other to do or not do (Pollet, 2010).

Remember, however, that each cohort develops in a distinct historical period, and the context of divorce has changed over the past decades. As more people separate or divorce, more people find suitable new partners and more stepchildren and stepparents have friends who have experienced the same problems and who can help with adjustment.

One specific cohort change is that contemporary adults have more friends of both sexes than was true 50 years ago. If they get divorced, that friendship network may buffer them from the loneliness and loss of intimacy that divorced adults once experienced. Research on older adults who are divorced makes staying married seem best, on average, but that research may not predict the future for 30-year-olds who cohabit, marry, divorce, or remarry.