15.3 Friends and Relatives

Humans are social animals, dependent on one another for survival and drawn to one another for joy. This is as true in late life as in infancy and at every stage in between. Remember from Chapter 13 that every person travels the life course in the company of other people, who make up the social convoy (Antonucci et al., 2007). Given that, it is not surprising that friends are particularly important in old age. Bonds formed over a lifetime allow people to share triumphs and tragedies with others who understand past victories and defeats. Siblings, old friends, and spouses are ideal convoy members.

Long-Term Partnerships

Same Situation, Far Apart: Partners Whether in the living room of their home in Canada (left) or at a seniors centre in the Philippines (right), elderly people are more likely to be happy when they are with one another than when they are alone.

DEREK RUTTAN/LONDON FREE PRESS/QMI AGENCY
SEAN SPRAGUE/THE IMAGE WORKS

Spouses buffer each other against the problems of old age, thus extending life. This was one conclusion from a meta-analysis of dozens of studies with a combined total of 250 000 participants (Manzoli et al., 2007). Married older adults are healthier, wealthier, and happier than unmarried people their age. Of course, as self theories contend, the dominant influence on each person’s sense of well-being is his or her own past well-being, not that of his or her partner. However, longitudinal research finds that spouses continue to affect each other, even in late adulthood: One older partner who is healthy and happy improves the other’s well-being (Ruthig et al., 2012).

Elderly divorced people are lower in health and happiness than are those who are still married, although some argue that income and personality are the reasons, not marital status (Manzoli et al., 2007). Obviously, not every marriage is good for every older person: About one in every six long-term marriages is not satisfying, in which case the relationship increases neither health nor happiness (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010).

Nonetheless, happiness typically increases with the length as well as the quality of an intimate relationship—an association more apparent in longitudinal than in cross-sectional research (Proulx et al., 2007; Scarf, 2008). A lifetime of shared experiences—living together, raising children, and dealing with financial and emotional crises—brings partners closer.

A Morning Kiss Ralph Young awakens Ruth with a kiss each day, as he has for most of the 78 years of their marriage. The only major separation occurred when he was a soldier in World War II; then he wrote to her every day. Here they are both 99, “more in love than ever.” They had no children, so parental alliance did not bring them closer, but they did enjoy many things together—vacations, square dancing, and listening to country music on the radio.

CHRIS HOWELL/BLOOMINGTON HERALD TIMES/AP PHOTO

In general, older couples have learned how to disagree. They consider their conflicts to be discussions, not fights. That is not unusual. In one U.S. study of long-lasting marriages, 86 percent of the partners surveyed thought their relationship was about equal in give-and-take (Gurung et al., 2003). Similar results were found in a comparison of couples in various European nations. Objectively, wives were less equal in some nations (e.g., Portugal) than others (e.g., France), but subjectively they felt fairly treated (M. Braun et al., 2008).

Outsiders might judge many long-term marriages as unequal, since one or the other spouse usually provides most of the money, or needs most of the care, or does most of the housework. Yet such disparities do not seem to bother older partners, who typically accept each other’s frailties and dependencies, remembering times (perhaps decades ago) when the situation was reversed.

Given the importance of relationship building over the life span, it is not surprising that elders who are disabled (e.g., have difficulty walking, bathing, and performing other activities of daily life) are less depressed and anxious if they are in a close marital relationship (Mancini & Bonanno, 2006). A couple can achieve selective optimization with compensation: The one who is bedbound but cognitively alert can keep track of what the one who is mobile but experiences confusion is supposed to do, for instance.

Besides caregiving, sexual intimacy is another major aspect of long-lasting marriages. As already noted in Chapter 14, younger adults tend to measure sexual activity by frequency of orgasm. By that measure, sexual activity decreases with each decade (Lindau & Gavrilova, 2010). Remember, however, that diversity is common among older adults: Some are no longer interested in sexual intimacy whereas others enjoy frequent sexual interaction, hugging and caressing as well as, for some, having intercourse.

For most older couples, sexual interaction remains important (Johnson, 2007). This is true whether a couple is married or not married; a couple may cohabit, or, as discussed in Chapter 13, they may live apart together (LAT). Many elders—especially those who are divorced or widowed—live apart from their sexual partner, not only because they want to age in place but also because they want independent relationships with their own children or parents (Strohm et al., 2009), a topic discussed next.

Relationships with Younger Generations

In past centuries, many adults died before their grandchildren were born. By contrast, some families currently span five generations, consisting of elders and their children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, and great-great-grandchildren. The result is “longer years of ‘shared lives’ across generations” (Bengtson, 2001).

Since the average couple now has fewer children, the beanpole family, representing multiple generations but with only a few members in each, is becoming more common (see Figure 15.8) (Murphy, 2011). Some members of the youngest generation have no cousins, brothers, or sisters but a dozen elderly relatives. Intergenerational relationships are becoming more important as many grandparents have only one or two grandchildren.

FIGURE 15.8 Many Households, Few Members The traditional nuclear family consists of two parents and their children living together. Today, as couples have fewer children, the beanpole family is becoming more common. This kind of family has many generations, each typically living in its own household, with only a few members in each generation.

Although elderly people’s relationships with members of younger generations are usually positive, they can also include tension and conflict. In some families, intergenerational respect and harmony abound whereas in others, members of one generation never see members of another. Each culture and, indeed, each family, have patterns and expectations for how the younger and oldest generations interact (Herlofson & Hagestad, 2011). Some conflict is commonplace.

For the most part, however, family members tend to support one another. As you remember, familism prompts siblings, cousins, and even more distant relatives to care for one another as adulthood unfolds. One manifestation of familism is filial responsibility, the obligation of adult children to care for their aging parents. This does not always work out well for either generation, but filial responsibility is a value in every nation, stronger in some cultures than in others (Saraceno, 2010).

When parents need caregiving, adult children often sacrifice to provide it. More often, though, the older generation gives to their adult children. This can strain a long-lasting marriage. One mother describes her daughter’s circumstances and the stress it has placed on her and her husband:

Emotional support and help with managing life may be more crucial and complex than financial assistance, sometimes increasing when money is less needed (Herlofson & Hagestad, 2012). One complexity is that some elders resent exactly the same supportive behaviours that other elders expect from their children—such as visiting frequently, giving presents, or cleaning the refrigerator—and some children resent help that the parents give. For instance, when a grandmother suggests that the baby’s bathwater is too hot, a daughter may take this as a global criticism of her ability to care for her child (Roiphe, 2009).

A longitudinal study of attitudes found no evidence that recent changes in family structure (including divorce) reduce the sense of filial responsibility (Gans & Silverstein, 2006). In fact, younger cohorts (born in the 1950s and 1960s) endorsed more responsibility toward older generations, notwithstanding the sacrifices involved, than did earlier cohorts (born in the 1930s and 1940s). Likewise, almost all elders believe the older generation should help the younger ones, although specifics vary by culture (Herlofson & Hagestad, 2012).

In Canada and many other countries, every generation values independence. That is why, after midlife and especially after the death of their own parents, members of the older generation are less likely to say that children should provide substantial care for their parents and are more likely to strive to be helpful to their children. The authors of the longitudinal study just mentioned conclude that, as adults become more likely to receive than to give intergenerational care, “reappraisals are likely the result of altruism (growing relevance as a potential receiver) or role loss (growing irrelevance as a provider)” (Gans & Silverstein, 2006). Adults of all ages like to be needed, not needy.

This may be less true in Asian cultures. Often the first-born son encourages his elderly parents to move in with him and they expect to do so. Indeed, a study in rural China found depression more common among the elderly people whose daughters took care of them instead of their daughters-in-law (Cong & Silverstein, 2008). Asian daughters-in-law seem to experience frustrations and joys in caregiving similar to those of European-American daughters (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2011).

Tensions Between Older and Younger AdultsA good relationship with successful grown children enhances a parent’s well-being. By contrast, a poor relationship makes life worse for everyone. Ironically, conflict is more likely in emotionally close relationships than in distant ones (Silverstein et al., 2010), especially when either generation becomes dependent on the other (Birditt et al., 2009).

It is a mistake to think of the strength of the relationship as merely the middle generation paying back the older one for past sacrifices when they were children or young adults. Instead, family norms—either for intergenerational support or for independence—seem to predict how family members interact in late adulthood (Bucx et al., 2012; Henretta et al., 2011). Extensive research has found that relationships between parents and adult children are affected by many factors:

• Assistance arises both from need and from the ability to provide.
• Frequency of contact is related to geographical proximity, not affection.
• Love is influenced by the interaction remembered from childhood.
• Sons feel stronger obligation; daughters feel stronger affection.

Members of each generation tend to overestimate how much they contribute to the other (Lin, 2008b; Mandemakers & Dykstra, 2008). As already noted, contrary to popular perceptions, financial assistance and emotional support flow more often from the older generation down instead of from the younger generation up, although much depends on who needs what (Silverstein, 2006). Only when elders become frail (discussed later) are they more likely to receive family assistance than to give it.

GrandchildrenMost (80 percent of women and 74 percent of men) Canadians older than 65 are grandparents; over the next decade or so, a significant number of baby boomers will become grandparents, too. Some have coined a new term to describe this next stage of life for those born between 1946 and 1964: They will be known as “grandboomers” (“Grandparenting,” 2005). Personality, background, and past family interactions all influence the nature of the grandparent–grandchild relationship, as does the child’s personality.

As with parents and children, the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren depends partly on the age of the grandchildren. One of my college students realized this when she wrote:

Twenty-First-Century Pacifier These grandmothers remember when infants were calmed or distracted by rattles or soothers. Now, parents give their anxious children smart phones or other digital devices to keep them occupied and quiet in their strollers.

MIKE BALDWIN/CARTOONSTOCK.COM

In developed nations, grandparents fill one of four roles:

1. Remote grandparents (sometimes called distant grandparents) are emotionally distant from their grandchildren. They are esteemed elders who are honoured, respected, and obeyed, expecting to get help whenever they need it.
2. Companionate grandparents (sometimes called “fun-loving” grandparents) entertain and “spoil” their grandchildren—especially in ways, or for reasons, that the parents would not.
3. Involved grandparents are active in the day-to-day lives of their grandchildren. They live near them and see them daily.
4. Surrogate parents raise their grandchildren, usually because the parents are unable or unwilling to do so.

Currently, in developed nations, most grandparents are companionate, partly because all three generations expect them to be beloved older companions rather than authority figures. Contemporary elders are usually proud of their grandchildren and care about their well-being but also enjoy their own independence. They provide babysitting and financial help but not advice or discipline (May et al., 2012). If grandparents become too involved and intrusive, parents tend to be forgiving but not appreciative (Pratt et al., 2008).

Same Situation, Far Apart: Happy Grandfathers No matter where they are, grandparents and grandchildren often enjoy each other’s company, partly because conflict is less likely, as grandparents are usually not as strict as parents are.

FLORESCO PRODUCTIONS/CORBIS
ATLANTIDE PHOTOTRAVEL/CORBIS

Such generative distance is not possible for grandparents who become surrogates when the biological parents are incapable of parenting; what results is a family structure called skipped generation because the middle generation is absent. Social workers often seek grandparents for kinship foster care, which works for the children as well as or better than foster care by strangers, but may be difficult for the older generation for many reasons:

• Both old and young are sad about the missing middle generation.
• Difficult grandchildren (such as drug-affected infants and rebellious school-age boys) are more likely to live with grandparents.
• Surrogate grandparents tend to be the most vulnerable elders, almost always grandmothers not grandfathers, already affected by past poverty.

For all these reasons, in North America and Europe, grandparents who are totally responsible for their grandchildren experience more illness, depression, and marital problems than do other elders (Hank & Buber, 2009; S. J. Kelley & Whitley, 2003). Stresses of all kinds abound, including worries about the children under their care (Shakya et al., 2012).

As for children of skipped-generation families, they are less likely to graduate from high school than are children from the same SES and ethnic groups who grow up in other family structures (Monserud & Elder, 2011). This has lifelong consequences, including unrealized potential, reduced lifetime earnings, poor health, increased unemployment, delinquency and crime, substance abuse, early child-bearing, and increased marital instability (Dryfoos, 1990; Human Resources Development Canada, Applied Research Branch, Strategic Policy, 2000; OECD, 2006). In addition, those who do not complete high school have a life expectancy 9.2 years less than that of graduates (Levin, 2005).

Before concluding that grandparents raising children without the parents is always problematic for all three generations, we need to consider the circumstances. For instance, in China, many rural grandparents become full-time caregivers because the middle generation is working in the cities, unable to bring children with them. The working parents typically make sure the grandparents want the caregiver role and then make sure to send money, as well as to visit when they can. For those grandparents, caring for their grandchildren actually improves their physical and psychological health (Baker & Silverstein, 2012).

The fact that grandparenting is not always wonderful should not obscure the more typical situation: Most grandparents enjoy their role, gain generativity from it, and are appreciated by younger family members (C. L. Kemp, 2005; Thiele & Whelan, 2008). In most conditions, grandparenting benefits all three generations. Some grandparents are rhapsodic and spiritual about the experience. One writes:

On the other side of the equation, even young adult grandchildren who are international students living thousands of kilometres away from their grandparents often express warmth, respect, and affection for at least one of them (usually their maternal grandmother) (A. C. Taylor et al., 2005).

Friendship

Recent widowhood or divorce is almost always difficult, but elderly people who have spent a lifetime without a spouse or a partner usually have friendships, activities, and social connections that keep them busy and happy (DePaulo, 2006). A study of 85 single elders found that their level of well-being was similar to that of people in long-term equitable marriages, and they were happier than either recent widows or married adults in unequal marriages (Hagedoorn et al., 2006).

Close Friends Late adulthood poses many challenges, from taking care of one’s health to deciding how to spend one’s money and time. Having fun with friends, as this group exploring small islets within British Columbia’s Desolation Sound is doing, helps older adults feel less alone.

BOOMER JERRITT/ALL CANADA PHOTOS

This does not mean that loners are happy, however. All the research finds that older adults need at least one close companion. For many (especially husbands), their intimate friend is also a spouse; for others, the friend is another relative; for still others, it is an unrelated member of their social convoy.

Older adults may not recognize the need for a confidant until a relationship is severed. For example, one man consulted a therapist because he was unexpectedly depressed after retiring. He quit work when he chose to do so, expecting to be happy. The therapist noted, “For over forty years, he had car-pooled with another man who worked in the same office. They traveled to and from work; an hour’s drive each way. They had spent ten hours each week together, for over forty years, sharing their lives, hopes, dreams, and demons” (Rosowsky, 2007). Once the problem was recognized, the man initiated get-togethers with his friend, and his depression lifted.

There is a lesson here: Many people do not realize the importance of social relationships until those relationships end. Quality (not quantity) of friendship is crucial, especially among the oldest-old (Krause, 2006). A study of widows found that those who fared best increased their contact with close friends after the death of their spouses (Zettel & Rook, 2004). Successful aging requires that people not be socially isolated. For contemporary elders, does this mean that they should begin social networking on their computers? Maybe, but not everyone agrees, as explained in the following.

OPPOSING PERSPECTIVES

Social Networking, for Good or III

Older people text, tweet, post, and stream less than younger ones. Compared with emerging adults, older adults own fewer computers, are less connected to the Internet, and avoid social networking. One statistic makes the point: In Canada in 2012, 98.6 percent of all 16- to 24-year-olds had used the Internet in the past 12 months for personal reasons, but only 47.5 percent of those 65 years or older had (Statistics Canada, 2013l).

Older adults may not realize what they are missing: Seniors are significantly less likely than other age groups to realize that a lack of broadband access is a major disadvantage across a range of situations, such as making travel arrangements, researching investments, banking electronically, or accessing government services, with only one elder in nine considering lack of Internet connection “a major disadvantage” (A. Smith, 2010).

Age-related conditions, such as arthritis or macular degeneration, can partially explain reduced online activity among seniors. Canadian researchers such as Wendy Young at Memorial University of Newfoundland are exploring ways of helping elders with conditions such as these to use digital devices. As Young stressed, many elderly are less likely to leave their homes, so online social interactions are becoming increasingly meaningful for this population. Assisting them with the ability to text, email, and access social networking sites such as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and Pinterest would decrease their likelihood of becoming socially isolated and depressed (Canadian Institutes of Health Research, 2013).

In fact from 2010 to 2012, the rates of social networking among those 65 and older increased by 60 percent, while rates for 16- to 24-year-olds rose only 2.6 percent (see Figure 15.9) (Statistics Canada, 2013m). As one newspaper reported,

Richard Bosack joined Facebook on Thursday, after his buddy Ray Urbans recommended the ubiquitous social networking site a few days earlier. Bosack is 89. Urbans is 96.…The hottest growth segment in online social networking sites is guys like Richard and Ray and their lady friends. That’s right. Grampy and Grammy are down with “the Face.”

[Gregory, 2010]

FIGURE 15.9 A Narrowing Gap The digital age gap was once especially apparent for social networking. Facebook, Twitter, Linkedln, online dating, and so on are populated by millions of 16- to 24-year-olds, with fewer participants in every older cohort. While the gap still exists, use of social media by those 65 and older is increasing at a rate greater than that of any other cohort and four times that of the average 60 percent compared to 15 percent.

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Staying Connected Rosie Chapman’s Facebook page allows her to stay connected with friends, family, and community. In an age when people may be less neighbourly, technology allows her to feel less alone that she might otherwise feel.

RED HUBER/ORLANDO SENTINEL/MCT/NEWSCOM

From a developmental perspective, this may be good news. Elders who have strong social networks, close friends, and cognitively stimulating activities tend to live long and healthy lives. Involved, interacting elders are more cogent and happier than their relatively lonely and isolated peers. Internet use and social networking correlate with more frequent contact with friends, family, and community organizations (Hogeboom et al., 2010; Lewis & Ariyachandra, 2011).

Analysis of the characteristics of those who are not involved in social networking finds that old age itself is the characteristic they have most in common but that shyness and loneliness are also typical (Sheldon, 2012). Those who are networking are also less shy and less lonely—could that be cause, not merely correlation?

Pause to appreciate the scope of the historical change in social networking. A few decades ago, social networks were maintained through direct contact. Neighbours were neighbourly, a word that means “friendly and helpful.” Everyone shopped, worshipped, studied, and played at the same places as everyone else, so they saw one another often. People always answered their phones and doorbells and complained if their friends did not “stay in touch,” which once meant literally touching, with a hug or a handshake. Today, most adults would be upset if a friend stopped by unannounced, although one study found that those over age 80 would not mind (Felmlee & Muraco, 2009).

Many elders today have dozens of face-to-face friends, as they did a few decades ago, but no online friends. Are they missing something? For younger adults, Internet use correlates with more offline friends, partly because friendships seem strengthened through online contact (Wang & Wellman, 2010). This could happen for the aged as well.

Then why is social networking a topic for “opposing perspectives” instead of celebration, with suggestions as to how to get more of the elderly online? Three reasons:

1. Older adults’ first reaction to social media is negative. They worry especially about privacy.
2. Social networking may increase prejudice.
3. Virtual activism and involvement may decrease community activism.

First, privacy concerns. As you have read, many elders are fiercely independent, and they fear that social networking will make them vulnerable to strangers who want to sell them something, alter their habits, or change their lives (Sheldon, 2012). This concern is also expressed by people of all other ages; perhaps the elders, as a cohort, are more aware of the need for personal privacy than younger adults are.

ALEX GREGORY/THE NEW YORKER COLLECTION/CARTOONBANK.COM

Second, with wider access, people become more exclusive and selective about their contacts, lists, and news sources—screening out anything that might not be in line with their preconceived notions. Yet on blogs, in chat rooms, and on YouTube, much more so than in newspapers and magazines, rumours and prejudices become viral, infecting thousands before anyone discovers a hoax, lie, or distortion. Reflection, analysis, and contrary opinions are more necessary than ever, yet with aging, the prefrontal cortex that enables such thinking shrinks. Remember that source amnesia is a particular problem with age, so bias might increase as more elderly go online.

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Third, although social networking increases the frequency of contact with friends, it may also decrease true intimacy and commitment. Writer Malcolm Gladwell (2010) explains:

The platforms of social media are built around weak ties… Facebook is a tool for effectively managing your acquaintances, for keeping up with the people you would not otherwise be able to stay in touch with.

[p. 42]

Weak ties, Gladwell contends, do not spur people to action; instead, they encourage comfort, lip service, and passivity—thus maintaining the status quo.

Two eminent scholars, Thomas Sander and Robert Putnam (2010), fear that social networking will weaken social involvement. They hope that “technological innovators may yet master the elusive social alchemy that will enable online behavior to produce real and enduring civic effects” (p. 15), but they do not see it thus far. Furthermore, they note that posts on Twitter, or “tweets,” “convey people’s meal and sock choices, instant movie reactions, rush-hour rants, and occasionally even their profound reflections.” They “remain agnostic…about whether [these] replace traditional social ties” (p. 15).

Two other social scientists conclude: “Changing social connectivity is, after all, neither a dystopian loss nor a utopian gain but an intricate, multifaceted, fundamental social transformation” (Wang & Wellman, 2010). Apparently all of us—old and young alike—are in the thralls of this transformation. Opinions differ as to the outcome.