Chapter Introduction

My husband, Martin, died 10 years ago. The immediate cause was an infection, which was exacerbated by steroids, which helped him breathe and which he needed because he had lung cancer, which occurred because he was a lifelong smoker. I blame both of us—me because I never convinced him to quit smoking, him because he never quit. I blame the U.S. Army, too, because they gave him free cigarettes when he was a 17-year-old recruit. And I blame our culture because boys smoke to act like men. I even blame Hitler, already dead when Martin enlisted, but Martin had grown up wanting to join the army to fight him.

My search for causes—steroids, addiction, him, me, the military, machismo, Hitler—arises from anger and guilt, not from acceptance of death as a natural part of the life span. I have kept fresh flowers on our mantle next to his urn for 10 years now: Martin would have laughed at that and insisted that I stop being so foolish.

THIS CHAPTER IS ABOUT DEATH. DYING IS A process that begins with personal choices (such as smoking cigarettes) and social contexts (such as the army). Culture is always influential. Blame is irrational; bereavement takes many forms. Foolishness is not unusual. When author Joan Didion’s husband died, she described a “year of magical thinking,” including keeping his shoes in the closet because he would need them if he came back (Didion, 2005).

Thanatology is the study of all this. Perhaps surprisingly, thanatology is neither morbid nor gloomy. Rather, as the three sections of this chapter detail, hope in death, choices in dying, and affirmation of life are the themes of thanatology.