10.1 Emotional Development

Children gradually learn when and how to express emotions, becoming more capable in every aspect of their lives (Buckley & Saarni, 2009; Morrison et al., 2010). Controlling the expression of emotions, called emotional regulation, is the preeminent psychosocial task between ages 2 and 6 (N. Eisenberg et al., 2004).

Such regulation is virtually impossible in infancy, but when the emotional hot spots of the limbic system connect to the prefrontal cortex, children become better able to control their reactions. This is not easy; it requires practice, maturation, and work, called effortful control. By age 6, children can usually be angry but not explosive, frightened but not terrified, sad but not inconsolable, anxious but not withdrawn, proud but not boastful. Depending on each child’s temperament, some emotions are easier to control than others, but even temperamentally angry or fearful children can learn to modify the expression of their emotions (Moran et al., 2013, Tan et al., 2013).

Emotional regulation is a lifelong necessity; no one does it perfectly all the time. When Rachel dropped the orange juice, I should not have yelled. Fortunately, my unregulated expression of anger stopped there. Learning to regulate emotion is a long process; it begins during early childhood, from ages 3 to 5 (Lewis, 2013).

Initiative versus Guilt

During Erikson’s third developmental stage, initiative versus guilt, children acquire many skills and competencies in addition to emotional regulation. Initiative can mean several things—saying something new, expanding an ability, beginning a project. Depending on the outcome (especially reactions from other people), children feel proud or guilty.

A Poet and We Know It She is the proud winner of a national poetry contest. Is she as surprised, humbled, and thankful as an adult winner would be?

© ENIGMA/ALAMY

Usually, North American parents encourage enthusiasm, effort, and pride in their 2- to 6-year-olds, as well as prevent guilt from becoming self-hatred. If, instead, parents ignore rather than guide emotions, a child may not learn emotional regulation (Morris et al., 2007).

Children’s beliefs about their worth are connected to parental confirmation, especially when parents remind their children of their positive accomplishments (“You helped Daddy sweep the sidewalk. You made it very clean.”).

Remember that Erikson described autonomy at ages 1 and 2, a stage often characterized by stubbornness and nicknamed “the terrible twos.” By age 3, autonomy is transformed to become initiative, as children act on their eagerness to learn new skills (Rubin et al., 2009).

This chapter’s opening anecdote is an example: Rachel was learning to get juice when she was thirsty. Both autonomy and initiative are more prized in Western cultures than in Eastern ones, where children learn to be socially attuned and interdependent (Keller & Otto, 2011).

Children in North America and Europe develop a strong self-concept, an understanding of themselves. For example, young children are given choices: “Apple or banana?” “Blue pajamas or red ones?” Choosing makes people believe they are independent agents (Kim & Chu, 2011). In the United States, self-concept quickly includes gender and size. Girls are usually happy to be girls; boys to be boys; both are glad they aren’t babies. “Crybaby” is an insult; praise for being “a big kid” is welcomed.

Erikson recognized that young children are not realistic. They believe that they are strong, smart, and good-looking—and thus that any goal is achievable. Whatever they are (self-concept) is thought to be good.

For instance, young children not only believe that their nation and religion are best, they feel sorry for children who do not belong to their country or church. At this age, a protective optimism encourages children to try unfamiliar activities, make friends, begin school, and so on (Boseovski, 2010). The same is true for mastering skills: They learn to pour juice, zip pants, and climb trees, undeterred by overflowing juice, stuck zippers, or a perch too high. Faith in themselves helps them persist.

Proud Peruvian In rural Peru, a program of early education (Pronoei) encourages community involvement and traditional culture. Preschoolers, like this girl in a holiday parade, are proud to be themselves, and that helps them become healthy and strong.

© MIKE THEISS/NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SOCIETY/CORBIS

The new initiative that Erikson describes results from myelination of the limbic system, growth of the prefrontal cortex, and a longer attention span—all made possible by neurological maturation. [Lifespan Link: Brain maturation is described in detail in Chapter 5 and Chapter 8.] Emotional regulation and cognitive maturation develop together, each enabling the other to advance (Bell & Calkins, 2011; Lewis, 2013).

Normally, neurological advances in the prefrontal cortex at about age 4 or 5 make children less likely to throw tantrums, provoke attacks, or giggle during prayer (Kagan & Herschkowitz, 2005). Throughout early childhood, violent outbursts, uncontrolled crying, and terrifying phobias (irrational, crippling fears) diminish. The capacity for self-control—such as not opening a present immediately if asked to wait and not expressing disappointment at an undesirable gift—becomes more evident.

For example, in one study researchers asked children to wait 8 minutes while their mothers did some paperwork before opening a wrapped present in front of them (Cole, Tan et al., 2011). The children used strategies to help them wait, including distractions and private speech.

Keisha was one of the study participants:

Motivation

Motivation (the impulse that propels someone to act) comes either from a person’s own desires or from the social context.

Intrinsic motivation occurs when people do something for the joy of doing it: A musician might enjoy making music even when no one else hears it. Extrinsic motivation comes from outside the person, when people do something to gain praise (or some other reinforcement): A musician might play for applause or money.

Intrinsic motivation is crucial for young children (Cheng & Yeh, 2009). Fortunately, preschool children are often intrinsically motivated, eager to play and practice, whether or not someone else wants them to. Child-centered preschools, as described in Chapter 9, depend on the reality that children love to talk, play, and move. Praise and prizes might be appreciated, but that’s not why children work at what they do. When playing a game, they might not keep score; the fun is in the activity (intrinsic), not the winning.

Intrinsic motivation is apparent when children invent dialogues for their toys, concentrate on creating a work of art or architecture, and converse with imaginary friends. Such conversations with invisible creatures are rarely encouraged by adults (i.e., there is no extrinsic motivation), but imaginary friends are nonetheless increasingly common over the years of early childhood. Children know their imaginary friends are invisible and pretend, but conjuring them up meets various psychosocial needs (Taylor et al., 2009).

For example, imaginary friends may help with emotional regulation: Children use them to control their fears and temper as well as to provide comfort and companionship. One girl’s friend named Elephant was “7 inches tall, gray color, black eyes, wears tank top and shorts … sometimes is mean” (Taylor et al., 2004, p. 1178). By having a companion who “sometimes is mean,” this girl was developing strategies to deal with mean people.

In a classic experiment, preschool children were given markers and paper for drawing and assigned to one of three groups who received, respectively: (1) no award, (2) an expected award (they were told before they had drawn anything that they would get a certificate), and (3) an unexpected award (after they had drawn something, they heard, “You were a big help,” and got a certificate) (Lepper et al., 1973).

Later, observers noted how often children in each group chose to draw on their own. Those who received the expected award were less likely to draw than those who were unexpectedly rewarded. The interpretation was that extrinsic motivation (condition #2) undercut intrinsic motivation.

This research triggered a flood of studies seeking to understand whether, when, and how positive reinforcement should be given. The consensus is that praising or paying a person after an accomplishment sometimes encourages that behavior. However, if payment is promised in advance, that extrinsic reinforcement may backfire (Deci et al., 1999; Cameron & Pierce, 2002; Gottfried et al., 2009).

Praise is effective when it is connected to the particular production, not to a general trait (“You did a good drawing,” not “You are a great artist”) because then the child believes that effort paid off, which motivates a repeat performance (Zentall & Morris, 2010).

Culture and Emotional Control

As you know, cultural differences are apparent in every aspect of development. This is quite obvious in emotional expression. Children may be encouraged to laugh/cry/yell or, the opposite, to hide their emotions (H. S. Kim et al., 2008). Some adults guffaw, slap their knees, and stomp their feet for joy; others cover their mouths with their hands if a smile spontaneously appears. Children learn to do the same.

Control strategies vary as well (Matsumoto, 2004). Peers, parents, and strangers sometimes ignore emotional outbursts, sometimes deflect them, sometimes punish them. Shame is used when social reputation is a priority. In some cultures, “pride goeth before a fall” and people who “have no shame” are considered mentally ill (Stein, 2006).

Finally, certain families, cultures, and nations differ as to which emotions most need to be regulated. Although individuals may disagree with the following generalizations, developmentalists suggest that nations emphasize regulation as follows:

• Fear (United States)
• Anger (Puerto Rico)
• Pride (China)
• Selfishness (Japan)
• Impatience (many Native American communities)
• Defiance (Mexico)
• Moodiness (the Netherlands)

Of course, this list is oversimplified. Temperaments vary, which makes people within the same culture unlike one another. “Cultures are inevitably more complicated than the framework that is supposed to explain them” (Harkness et al., 2011, p. 92). Nonetheless, parents everywhere teach emotional regulation, hoping their children will adapt to the norms of their culture.

Seeking Emotional Balance

At every age, in all cultures and cohorts, caregivers try to prevent psychopathology, an illness or disorder (-pathology) of the mind (psycho-). Although symptoms and diagnoses are influenced by culture (rebellion is expected in some cultures and pathological in others), impaired emotional regulation universally signals mental imbalance. Parents guide young children toward “an optimal balance” between emotional expression and emotional control (Blair & Dennis, 2011; Trommsdorff & Cole, 2011).

Without adequate regulation, emotions are overwhelming. Intense reactions can occur in opposite ways, as you might expect from the activate/inhibit nature of neurons.

Some people have externalizing problems: Their powerful feelings burst out uncontrollably. They externalize rage, for example, by lashing out or breaking things. Without emotional regulation, an angry child might flail at another person or lie down screaming and kicking. By age 5, children usually have learned more self-control, perhaps pouting or cursing, not hitting and screaming.

Other people have internalizing problems: They are fearful and withdrawn, turning distress inward. Emotions may be internalized via headaches or stomachaches. Although the cause is psychological, the ache is real.

Again, with maturity, the extreme fears of some 2-year-olds (e.g., terror of the bathtub drain, of an imagined tidal wave, of a stranger on crutches) diminish. The fear isn’t gone, but expression is regulated: A child might be afraid of kindergarten, for instance, but bravely let go of Mother’s hand anyway.

Both undercontrol, which produces externalizing behavior, and overcontrol, which leads to internalizing behavior, are much more common in 3-year-olds than 5-year-olds. Experiences during those years interact with brain maturation, ideally strengthening emotional regulation (Lewis, 2013).

Sex differences in internalizing and externalizing behavior are traditionally assumed to be biological, but a cultural explanation is also possible. Does prenatal testosterone shape boys’ brains, making them more likely to develop ADHD? Or do parents and cultures teach young girls to restrain their externalizing actions, while teaching boys to avoid internalizing? (See Visualizing Development, page 281). Trying to understand the causes of sex or gender differences is a concern of thousands of researchers (Eagly & Wood, 2013). Conflicting theories and evidence are presented later in this chapter.

Age or Gender? Probably both. Brother and sister are reacting typically for their age and sex, as the 4-year old boy moves his book away from his sister, who cries rather than grabbing it. Culture may be a factor, too, as these sibling are in Korea, where physical fighting between siblings is not allowed.

KOICHI SAITO/AMANAIMA/AGE FOTOSTOCK

A VIEW FROM SCIENCE

Sex Differences in Emotional Regulation

Cute or Too Shy? Cute, of course. Universally, girls and women are expected to be reticent. They cling more to their mothers in kindergarten, they wait to be asked to dance or date, they talk less in co-ed groups. If she were a he, would he be considered too shy?

FLORESCO PRODUCTIONS CULTURA/NEWSCOM

On average, young girls are advanced in controlling their emotions, particularly anger, compared with boys. (Visualizing Development, p. 281, illustrates gender differences and similarities in several areas of development.) Research on childhood and adolescence traditionally focused on boys. More recently girls have been studied, and it seems that girls’ aggression is more often directed at themselves or at people in their immediate social circle, whereas boys can be aggressive with strangers as well (Loeber et al., 2013). What is the origin of such sex differences? Data from early childhood can be used to support either biological or cultural explanations.

Consider one study (also noted in Visualizing Development) in detail. Researchers gave eighty-two 5-year-olds two toy figures and told them the beginning of a story (Zahn-Waxler et al., 2008): The two toy children (named Mark and Scott for the boys, Mary and Sarah for the girls) were said to start yelling at each other. The 5-year-olds were asked to show what happened next.

Many boys showed Mark and Scott hitting and kicking each other. Boys whose externalizing behavior worsened between ages 5 and 9 (as rated by teachers and parents) were the most likely to dramatize such attacks at age 5. They became aggressive 9-year-olds—“problem children” according to the adults.

By contrast, 5-year-old girls often had Mary and Sarah discuss the conflict or change the subject. Curiously, however, those 5-year-old girls who immediately had Mary and Sarah engage in “reparative behavior” (repairing the relationship, such as having Mary hug Sarah and say, “I’m sorry”) were more likely to be disruptive at age 9 than the other girls, and hence were “problem children.” Their quickness to repair the conflict may have signaled too much guilt or shame, which could erupt later on.

The authors of the study wrote:

Gender-role stereotypes or exaggerations of masculine qualities (e.g., impulsive, aggressive, uncaring) and feminine qualities (submissive, unassertive, socially sensitive) are reflected not only in the types of problems males and females tend to develop but also in different forms of expression.

[Zahn-Waxler et al., 2008, p. 114]

These researchers suggest that extreme externalization or extreme internalization predicts future psychopathology. Because of cultural expectations, mistreated boys are likely to externalize and mistreated girls to internalize.

An alternative explanation is that something in the hormones or brain structures of boys and girls pushes them in opposite directions. In any case, it seems clear that, unless children master emotional regulation during early childhood, boys throw and hit, and girls sob or hide.