25.3 Friends and Relatives

Humans are social animals, dependent on one another for survival and drawn to one another for joy. This is as true in late life as in infancy and at every stage in between.

Every person travels through life with their social convoy. Thus companions are particularly important in old age. As socioemotional theory predicts, the size of the social circle may shrink with age, but close relationships become more crucial.

A Lover’s Kiss Ralph Young awakens Ruth (a) with a kiss each day, as he has for most of the 78 years of their marriage. Here they are both 99, sharing a room in their Indiana residence, “more in love than ever.” Half a world away, in Ukraine (b), more kisses occur, with 70 newly married couples and one couple celebrating their golden anniversary. Developmental data suggests that now, several years after these photos, the two old couples are more likely to be happily married than the 70 young ones.

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Bonds formed over the years allow people to share triumphs and tragedies with others who understand. Siblings, old friends, and spouses are ideal convoy members. [Lifespan Link: The social convoy is discussed in Chapter 22.]

Long-Term Partnerships

For most of the current cohort of elders, their spouse is the central convoy member, a buffer against the problems of old age. Married older adults are healthier, wealthier, and happier than unmarried people their age. Spouses affect each other: One healthy and happy partner improves the other’s well-being (Ruthig et al., 2012).

Obviously, not every marriage is good: About one in every six long-term marriages decreases health and happiness (Waldinger & Schulz, 2010). However, often happiness increases with the length of an intimate relationship—an association more apparent in longitudinal than in cross-sectional research (Proulx et al., 2007; Scarf, 2008). A lifetime of shared experiences—living together, raising children, and dealing with financial and emotional crises—brings partners closer. Often couples develop “an exceedingly positive portrayal” (O’Rourke et al., 2010b) of their mate, seeing their partner’s personality as better than their own.

Older couples have learned how to disagree, resolving conflicts in discussions, not fights. I know one example personally.

Irma and Bill are both politically active, proud parents of two adult children, devoted grandparents, and up on current events. They seem happily married and they cooperate admirably when caring for their 2- and 4-year-old grandsons. Yet they almost always vote for opposing candidates. I was puzzled until Irma explained: “We sit together on the fence, seeing both perspectives, and then, when it is time to vote, Bob and I fall on opposite sides.” I can always predict who falls on which side, but for them, the discussion is productive. Their long-term affection keeps disagreements from becoming fights.

Outsiders might judge many long-term marriages as unequal, since one or the other spouse usually provides most of the money, or needs most of the care, or does most of the housework. Yet such disparities do not bother older partners, who accept each other’s dependencies, remembering times (perhaps decades ago) when the situation was reversed.

One crucial factor is that the challenges of child rearing, home ownership, economic crises, and so on require cooperation. The importance of past sharing is suggested by research that finds that older husbands and wives with mutual close friends are more likely to help each other if special needs arise (Cornwell, 2012).

Given the importance of relationship building over the life span, it is not surprising that elders who are disabled (e.g., have difficulty walking, bathing, and so on) are less depressed and anxious if they are in a close marital relationship (Mancini & Bonanno, 2006). A couple together can achieve selective optimization with compensation: The one who is bedbound but alert can keep track of what the mobile but confused one must do, for instance.

Relationships with Younger Generations

Ignorant? Each generation has much to teach as well as much to learn.

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In past centuries, many adults died before their grandchildren were born. For 10-year-olds in 1900, only one in twenty-five had all four grandparents alive; in 2000 close to half (41 percent) did (Hagestad & Uhlenberg, 2007). Some families currently span five generations. Most families are closely connected across the generations (Szydlik, 2012).

Since the average couple now has fewer children, the beanpole family, representing multiple generations but with only a few members in each, is becoming more common (Murphy, 2011) (see Figure 25.8). Some of the youngest have no cousins, brothers, or sisters but a dozen elderly relatives.

Many Households, Few Members The traditional nuclear family consists of two parents and their children living together. Today, as couples have fewer children, the beanpole family is becoming more common. This kind of family has many generations, each typically living in its own household, with only a few members in each generation.

For the most part, family members support one another. As you remember, familism prompts family caregiving among all the relatives. One manifestation is filial responsibility, the obligation of adult children to care for their aging parents. This is a value in every nation, stronger in some cultures than in others (Saraceno, 2010).

As family size shrinks, many older parents continue to feel responsible for their grown children. This can strain a long-lasting marriage. For example:

Emotional support between older adults and their grown children brings additional complexities, often increasing when money is less needed (Herlofson & Hagestad, 2012). Expectations vary. Some children want and others reject emotional help, and some elders resent exactly the same behaviors that other elders expect from their children—such as visiting frequently, giving presents, or cleaning the refrigerator.

Research finds no evidence that recent changes in family structure (including divorce) reduce the sense of filial responsibility. One study found that younger cohorts (born in the 1950s and 1960s) endorsed more responsibility toward older generations, “regardless of the sacrifices involved,” than did earlier cohorts (born in the 1930s and 1940s) (Gans & Silverstein, 2006).

Likewise, almost all elders believe the older generation should help the younger ones, although specifics vary by culture. When the government provides significant financial help for the aged (housing, pensions, and so on), the generations are more involved with each other than when government support is minimal (Herlofson & Hagestad, 2012).

In the United States, every generation values independence. That is why, after midlife and especially after the death of their own parents, members of the older generation are less likely to agree that children should provide substantial care for their parents and more likely to strive to be helpful to their children. A team who has studied this phenomenon suggests that adults of all ages like to be needed more than needy (Gans & Silverstein, 2006).

This may not be true in Asian cultures. Often the first-born son encourages his elderly parents to move in with him, and they expect to do so. Indeed, a study in rural China found depression more common among the elderly people whose daughters took care of them instead of their daughters-in-law (Cong & Silverstein, 2008). Asian daughters-in-law seem to experience similar frustrations and joys in caregiving as European American daughters do (Pinquart & Sörensen, 2011).

Although elderly people’s relationships with members of younger generations are usually positive, they can also include tension and conflict. In some families intergenerational respect and harmony abound, whereas in others relatives refuse to see each other. Each culture and each family has patterns and expectations regarding interactions between generations (Herlofson & Hagestad, 2011). Some conflict is common.

A good relationship with successful grown children enhances a parent’s well-being, especially when both generations do whatever the other generation expects. By contrast, a poor relationship makes life worse for everyone. Ironically, conflict is more likely in emotionally close relationships than in distant ones (Silverstein et al., 2010), especially when either generation becomes dependent on the other (Birditt et al., 2009).

It is a mistake to think of the strength of the relationship as merely the middle generation paying back the older one for past sacrifices. Instead, family norms—either for intergenerational dependence or for autonomy—predict how family members interact in late adulthood (Bucx et al., 2012; Henretta et al., 2011). Extensive research finds many factors that affect intergenerational relationships:

• Assistance arises from both need and ability to provide.
• Frequency of contact is related to geographical proximity, not affection.
• Love is influenced by childhood memories.
• Sons feel stronger obligation; daughters feel stronger affection.

Eighty-five percent of U.S. elders currently older than 65 are grandparents. (The rate was lower in some previous cohorts because the birth rate fell during the 1930s, and it is expected to be lower again.)

As with parents and children, specifics of the grandparent–grandchild relationship depend partly on the personality and partly on the age of both generations. Grandparents typically delight in the youngest children, provide material support for the school-age children, and sometimes offer advice, encouragement, and example for the older grandchildren. One of my college students realized this when she wrote:

Same Situation, Far Apart: Happy Grandfathers No matter where they are, grandparents and grandchildren often enjoy each other partly because conflict is less likely, as grandparents are usually not as strict as parents are. Indeed, Sam Levinson quipped, “The reason grandparents and grandchild get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”

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Grandparents fill one of four roles:

1. Remote grandparents (sometimes called distant grandparents) are emotionally distant from their grandchildren. They are esteemed elders who are honored, respected, and obeyed, expecting to get help whenever they need it.
2. Companionate grandparents (sometimes called “fun-loving” grandparents) entertain and “spoil” their grandchildren—especially in ways that the parents would not.
3. Involved grandparents are active in the day-to-day lives of their grandchildren. They live near them and see them daily.
4. Surrogate parents raise their grandchildren, usually because the parents are unable or unwilling to do so.

Currently in developed nations, most grandparents are companionate, partly because all three generations expect them to be companions, not authorities. Contemporary elders usually enjoy their own independence. They provide babysitting and financial help but not advice or discipline (May et al., 2012). If grandparents become too involved and intrusive, parents tend to be forgiving but not appreciative (Pratt et al., 2008).

When grandparents become surrogates, the family structure is called the skipped generation because the middle generation is absent. The number of such grandparents is rising; it was 2.8 million in the United States in 2010. Social workers often seek grandparents for kinship foster care because foster children fare as well as or better with grandparents than with nonrelatives, but surrogate parenting is stressful for every generation.

One reason is that both old and young are sad about the missing middle generation; another is that difficult grandchildren (such as drug-affected infants and rebellious school-age boys) are more likely to live with grandparents; a third is that surrogate grandparents tend to be the most vulnerable elders, usually grandmothers burdened by past stratification. In North America and Europe, grandparents who are totally responsible for grandchildren experience more illness, depression, and marital problems than do other elders (Shakya et al., 2012; Muller & Litwin, 2011).

Furthermore, children of skipped-generation families are less likely to graduate from high school than are children of the same SES and ethnicity in other family structures (Monserud & Elder, 2011). This has lifelong consequences: The average life span of European Americans who have not graduated from high school has actually decreased since 1990 (Olshansky et al., 2012) (see Figure 25.9). That makes the trend toward more skipped-generation families a sad one for children as well as for older adults.

Too Young to Die Medical advances and improving health habits mean that most adults live longer than their parents did: The average life span has increased every decade for both sexes, for all ethnic groups, in every nation. However, in the United States those without a high school diploma find that steady work is increasingly scarce, which takes a toll on survival.

But before concluding that grandparents suffer when they are responsible for grandchildren, consider China, where many grandparents become full-time caregivers because the middle generation is working in the cities, unable to take children with them. The working parents typically make sure the grandparents want to be caregivers, and then they send money and visit when they can. For those grandparents, caring for their grandchildren actually improves their physical and psychological health (Baker & Silverstein, 2012).

However, skipped-generation grandparents are the minority, perhaps 2 percent of all elders in the United States. Grandparenting is not always wonderful but most grandparents enjoy their role, gain generativity from it, and are appreciated by younger family members (C. L. Kemp, 2005; Thiele & Whelan, 2008). Some are even rhapsodic and spiritual about the experience. As one writes:

Friendship

Friendship networks typically become smaller with each decade. Emerging adults tend to average the most friends. By late adulthood, the number of people considered friends is notably smaller than it was earlier in life (Wrzus et al., 2013). Added to the normal shrinkage are two circumstances: Some older friends die, and retirement usually means losing contact with most work friends. Many older adults consider their spouse or grown children their best friends. This may create problems in the future.

Based on several U.S. Bureau of the Census documents, it appears that approximately 90 percent of people older than 75 in the United States in 2010 had been married, making this oldest generation the most-married cohort in history. Each younger generation has more people who never married: 5 percent for those aged 65 to 74, 8 percent for those 55 to 64, and 12 percent for those 45 to 54.

Same Situation, Far Apart: Partners Whether at the Vietnam memorial in Washington, D.C. (left) or in the Philippines (right), elderly people support each other in joy and sorrow. These women are dancing together, and these men are tracing the name of one of their buddies who died forty years earlier.

Obviously, the next cohort of elders will include far fewer married people. Furthermore, more middle-aged adults, married or not, have no children, hence more elders will have no grandchildren. Accordingly, this next generation will have fewer immediate family members and they will lose some non-family friends. Will they be lonely and lack social support?

Los Amigos Some cultures seem to encourage male friendships. These men in Santa Fe de Antioquia, Colombia, are not afraid to show their closeness in the public square.

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Not necessarily. Recent data finds that the young-old who never married are usually quite content, not lonely. Some of them have partners, of the same sex or other sex, and are cohabiting or LAT, seemingly just as happy as traditionally married people (Brown & Kawamura, 2010). Further, having a smaller friendship circle is not a problem if a person has at least a few close friends—as most of the aged do (Wrzus et al., 2013).

This is not to say that recent widowhood or divorce is easy, although widowhood is not as hard if one’s mate was seriously ill for years or if the marriage was not a close one (Schann, 2013). Similarly, losing a close friend, through death or relocation, is difficult.

However, elderly people who have spent years without a romantic partner usually have close friendships, meaningful activities, and social connections that keep them busy and happy (DePaulo, 2006). A study of 85 single elders found that their level of well-being was similar to that of people in long-term equitable marriages, and they were happier than either recent widows or the married adults in inequitable marriages (Hagedoorn et al., 2006).

Successful aging requires that people not be socially isolated, and many elders who have lived in the same community for years have found long-term friends. A family who urges their distant parents to move closer to them may not appreciate the social networks that surround most older people.