As we’ve said before in this chapter, your communication choices affect the outcomes you experience. Take something as simple as how you respond to an angry text message from a family member. If you fire back an equally hostile response, the situation escalates, and the two of you are now fighting. What’s more, the conflict will likely spread to other family members, as each person weighs in on what happened and takes sides in the battle. Think about what might happen if you respond competently instead. For example, you take the time to craft a message asking why the other person is upset, making sure to avoid sarcastic or accusatory responses. Then you offer to help, and reassure him or her of your support. These choices are far less likely to lead to a fight or spread conflict to others.

The fact that your communication choices affect your outcomes means your communication is irreversible. When you post a message online, send a text or tweet, leave a voice-mail message, or express a thought out loud during a group meeting, you set in motion the series of outcomes that follow. Once you’ve communicated something, you can’t take it back. That’s why it’s important to think carefully before you communicate, asking yourself, “Is what I’m about to say going to lead to outcomes I want?” If the answer is no, then you’ll want to revise your message.

Of course, communication (by definition) involves interaction with others, and the choices they make influence your outcomes as well. But you can’t control how others choose to behave toward you—only how you behave toward them. Consequently, the best—and only—path you have for improving your outcomes is to take control of your communication and improve your choices. When you recognize that your communication is a choice and then elect to communicate appropriately, effectively, and ethically, you’ll have done all that you can to foster satisfying communication outcomes in your personal and professional lives. This book shows you how to make competent communication choices in a wide range of situations—even when others do not.