A final, often unappreciated, quality of being an active listener is recognizing the value of silence. Sometimes people just want someone to quietly listen so they can share their thoughts, feelings, and emotions—a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. If you’re listening to someone who has this need, maintain good eye contact, as always, but avoid frequent use of more obvious forms of positive feedback, such as comments like, “I know what you mean” or “I can see why you’re upset.” For someone who just wants an ear or a supportive shoulder, these behaviors could come across as intrusive.

In fact, research on grief management has found that the two listening behaviors identified as most helpful by people who are grieving are quietly allowing the griever to vent, and providing a sense of presence and attentiveness while the griever talks (Bodie & Fitch-Hauser, 2010). In such situations, it’s not just a matter of adopting a people-oriented listening style and listening to provide comfort. In addition, you must dial down your conversational participation so that the other person feels free to fill the silence with what he or she wants to say. By listening in this way, you’ll not only help the person work through his or her grief but also make it clear that you’re there for him or her.