When you select avoidance, you approach a conflict by not managing it. You ignore or avoid talking about the conflict, or you communicate about it in indirect ways, by dropping hints, cracking jokes, or making sarcastic remarks. Avoidance is the most frequent approach to conflict (Sillars, 1980). People often use it because it seems easier and safer than directly engaging in disputes with others.

Although people opt for avoidance because it seems safe, it actually poses substantial risks (Afifi, McManus, Steuber, & Coho, 2009). First, routinely avoiding conflict can create cumulative annoyance, in which your repressed resentment grows as your mental list of complaints about other people builds up (Peterson, 2002). Eventually, cumulative annoyance overwhelms your ability to suppress it, and you explode. Imagine you’re working on a group project, but the other members reject every suggestion you make. You manage this by not saying anything; after all, you don’t want to make waves. But your irritation intensifies. Then, when planning the group’s final presentation, you realize the perfect way to hook your audience’s attention. When you suggest it to the group, they shoot you down yet again. “THAT’S IT! I don’t care what you all do; I’ll handle my part by myself,” you scream. Such an angry outburst may destroy any possibility of working further with the group. Perhaps it’s no surprise, then, that people who use avoidance are less satisfied with their relationships than people who engage more directly in conflict (Caughlin & Golish, 2002).

Second, avoidance raises the risk of pseudo-conflict, the perception that there’s a conflict between you and others when there really isn’t. For example, you think your new manager at work dislikes you because she never chats with you. Since you assume she doesn’t like you, you worry that she’ll give you a negative performance review (or worse, fire you). So you start searching for a new job. But the manager actually does like you; she’s just stressed out by her new job demands. If you never bother to talk with her about this (“Gayle, I was wondering why we never chat”), you might end up leaving a much-loved job because of your misperception.

Despite the risks, avoidance can be a wise choice for managing conflict in situations where emotions run high (Berscheid, 2002). If you and the other people involved are angry to the point where no one can control their emotions, yet you continue the interaction, you risk saying things that will permanently hurt the relationship. To prevent that unhappy outcome, it’s best to leave the room, hang up, or hold off on responding to texts or e-mails until your temper has cooled. If you choose this route, be sure to provide a brief explanation for your departure (“I’m sorry, but I’ve got to leave for a while and sort out my thoughts”), and give an approximate time when you will contact the person again (“I’ll call you tonight” or “I will text you in a half hour to let you know how I’m doing”). This lets people know that you aren’t abandoning them and are planning on returning. When you’ve calmed down, you can reestablish contact and try another approach.