In most of your relationships, you will also experiences stages of coming apart—getting less intimate with your relationship partners. One study of college-age dating couples found that across a three-month period, as many as 30 percent of the couples broke up (Parks & Adelman, 1983). Friendships are even less stable than romantic relationships (Johnson et al., 2003). Why? Consider the differences in depth of commitment between friendships and romantic attachments. Friendships are rooted in shared interests, but people’s interests frequently change. So, if you switch your major from biology to music, it’s likely you will grow apart from the friends you made in your biology lab, as you no longer share the same academic interests or take the same classes. In comparison, romantic relationships are forged from more powerful bonds, such as deep emotional and sexual attachment.

Like coming together, coming apart unfolds over stages marked by changes in the partners’ thoughts, feelings, and communication (see Figure 9.2). Many romantic partners, family members, friends, and coworkers experience some of these stages at various points in their relationships. Again, your relationships may go through some, none, or all of these stages. In fact, not all relationships that begin to come apart result in a permanent ending of the relationship. Sometimes, with enough effort, people can resolve their differences. Other times, ending the relationship is the right thing to do because the people involved have either grown apart or permanently lost interest in each other. No matter the situation, the stages of coming apart often involve intense emotional pain that can make it difficult for the individuals involved to communicate competently with each other. This is why it is important to know and understand these relationship stages, so you can better handle them as they come up.

Differentiating.In all relationships, partners share differences as well as similarities. But during the first stage of coming apart, differentiating, the beliefs, attitudes, and values that distinguish you from your partner come to dominate your thoughts and communication (“I can’t believe you think that!” or “We are so different!”).

Most healthy relationships experience occasional periods of differentiating. These moments can involve arguing over what the partners see as conflicting viewpoints, tastes, or goals. But you can move your relationship through this difficulty—and thus stop the coming-apart process—by openly discussing your points of difference and working together to resolve them.

Circumscribing.If one or both of you respond to problematic differences by ignoring them and spending less time talking, you enter the circumscribing stage of coming apart. You actively begin to restrict the quantity and quality of information you exchange in the relationship, creating “safe zones” in which you discuss only topics that won’t provoke conflict. Common remarks made during circumscribing include “Don’t ask me about that” and “Let’s not talk about that anymore.”

Stagnating.If circumscribing becomes so severe that you and the other person have almost no safe topics to talk about, communication slows to a standstill, and the relationship enters the stagnating stage. You both presume that communicating is pointless because you believe it will only lead to further problems. People in stagnant relationships often experience a sense of resignation; they feel stuck or trapped. However, some stay in the relationship for months or even years. Why? They may believe that it’s better to leave things as they are than to put in the enormous effort needed to end or try to rebuild the relationship, or they simply may not know how to repair the damage done to their earlier bond.

Avoiding.During the avoiding stage, one or both of you decide that you can no longer be around the other, and you begin distancing yourself physically. Some people communicate avoidance directly and verbally (“You are no longer my son, and I want no further contact with you!” or “We’re no longer friends”). Others may do it by spending more and more time away from their partner—for example, by avoiding family get-togethers or moving out of a shared apartment because “I need some space to myself.” Some avoid the other person indirectly—for example, screening the individual’s calls, ignoring his or her texts, changing their Facebook status from “in a relationship” to “single,” or “de-friending” or “un-following” someone.

Terminating.In ending a relationship, some people want to come together for a final encounter that gives a sense of closure and resolution. During the terminating stage, former partners might discuss the past, present, and future of the relationship. They often describe their past relationship by making accusations (“No one has ever betrayed my friendship as much as you have!”) or expressing sadness over what’s been lost (“I’ll never be able to find someone as perfect as you”). Their verbal and nonverbal behaviors reveal a lack of intimacy—for instance, standing far apart and making little eye contact. The partners may also discuss the future status of their relationship. Some may agree to end all contact going forward; others may choose to maintain some type of contact, like an occasional phone call, even though the relationship is officially over.

Many people find terminating a relationship painful or awkward. It’s hard to tell someone that you no longer want to be involved with him or her, and it’s equally painful to hear it. But by drawing on all you’ve learned about communication, you can survive this dreaded moment. Use skills from Chapter 2, such as empathic concern— being aware of how your partner is feeling and experiencing compassion for him or her—and perspective-taking—the ability to see things from your partner’s point of view—to handle the situation competently. See How to Communicate: Ending a Relationship on pages 230–231 for additional advice on handling a breakup conversation. You may also find it useful to remind yourself that relationship endings are a kind of death and that it’s normal to experience grief, even when terminating is the right thing to do. The suggestions offered in the section on supportive communication in Chapter 10 can help you manage this aspect of termination (see pages 256–257).