Some relationships make it, and some don’t, and there’s not much you can do about it, right? Wrong. Relationships don’t survive because of fate or magic; they survive because people invest time and energy into making them work. You can help your relationships endure by learning relational maintenance tactics and by providing support when others need it.

In the Google Chrome ad “Jess Time,” a father and daughter work through the transition of her living at home to her being away at college. To compensate for the loss of proximity, they use IM and video chat to support each other, share their day-to-day feelings, and keep each other upbeat. Although it’s just an advertisement selling Google software, it reflects a reality that many of us experience. When Steve’s oldest son, Kyle, left for college, their day-to-day efforts to support and sustain their closeness didn’t change—just the means through which they communicated them. Rather than hanging out together in Kyle’s room in the evenings, listening to music and talking, they now text each other daily and Skype weekly.

Many people believe that relationships just happen—that love affairs, family bonds, friendships, and professional affiliations arise on their own, run their natural course, and then succeed or fail according to fate. But a core principle of this book is that you control the destiny of your relationships through the communication choices you make. When you use all available means—online and off—to communicate positively, assure partners of your commitment, share your feelings, and support partners in times of need, your relationships thrive. When you communicate negatively, keep partners guessing about your degree of commitment, hide your feelings, and fail to support partners, your relationships wither.