Relational Maintenance
Relational maintenance refers to the use of communication behaviors to keep a relationship strong and to ensure that each party continues to draw satisfaction from the relationship (Stafford, Dainton, & Haas, 2000). Across years of research, communication scholar Laura Stafford has observed three strategies that help romantic partners, family members, friends, and co-workers maintain their relationships: positivity, assurances, and self-disclosure (Stafford, 2010).
Positivity.Arguably the most powerful maintenance tactic in sustaining healthy relationships is positivity—communicating in a cheerful and optimistic fashion, doing unsolicited favors, and giving unexpected gifts (Stafford, 2010). Cross- and same-sex partners involved in romantic relationships, and family members, friends, and coworkers all routinely cite positivity as the most important maintenance tactic for ensuring happiness (Dainton & Stafford, 1993; Haas & Stafford, 2005; Stafford, 2010). You use positivity when you2
- try to make interactions with others enjoyable;
- make an effort to build others up by giving them compliments;
- strive to be fun, upbeat, and optimistic with others.
You undermine positivity when you
- constantly look for and complain about problems in your relationships with others without offering solutions;
- whine, pout, and sulk when you don’t get your way;
- criticize favors and gifts you’ve received from others.
How can you implement positivity in your interpersonal relationships? Start doing favors for your relationship partners without being asked, and surprise them with small gifts that show you care. Invest energy into making each encounter enjoyable. Avoid complaining about problems that have no solutions, ridiculing others, whining or sulking when you don’t get your way, and demanding favored treatment from others. Show appreciation when someone does something nice for you. Positivity can be especially helpful at work, since it can help offset the stresses you and your coworkers will inevitably face. (See Table 10.1.)
Assurances.Another powerful maintenance tactic in boosting relationship satisfaction is the use of assurances—messages that emphasize how much your relationship partners mean to you, point out how important the relationships are to you, and show that you see a secure future together. You use assurances when you
- regularly tell your partners how important they are to you;
- talk about future plans and events that you’ll share together;
- do and say things to demonstrate the depth of your feelings.
You undermine assurances when you
- suggest that other relationships and things in your life are more important than your relationship partners;
- tell your partners not to count on anything long-term;
- systematically avoid expressing any type of enduring relationship commitment to your partners.
In romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships, you may express assurances directly by saying things like “I love you” or “You’re my closest friend.” You may also emphasize how much you value your time together—for example, sending a text message saying “c u soon; can’t wait!” Assurances offered to close coworkers can boost intimacy and demonstrate that your relationships are based on choice rather than professional assignment. For example, inviting professional peers to join you in activities outside of the workplace shows that you consider them friends rather than just coworkers.
Self-Disclosure.As we discussed earlier, self-disclosure is the revealing of private information about yourself to others in interpersonal communication. Self-disclosure can foster intimacy with another person—for example, when you share increasingly personal information with a new friend as you get closer to him or her.
However, when you use self-disclosure as a relational maintenance tactic, the focus is on creating a climate of security and trust with others. You want to help your relationship partners feel that they can disclose their fears and other feelings to you without you judging, criticizing, or rejecting them. To encourage others to self-disclose, you must behave in ways that are predictable, trustworthy, and ethical. Over time, such behavior convinces your relationship partners that you’ll welcome personal information from them. You use self-disclosure for relational maintenance when you
- tell your partners about your own fears and vulnerabilities;
- share your thoughts and emotions with them;
- encourage them to disclose their thoughts and feelings, and offer them empathy in return.
You undermine self-disclosure when you
- make fun of or criticize your relationship partners’ perspectives;
- routinely hide important information from them;
- betray them by sharing confidential information about them with others.
To foster disclosure with your lovers, family members, and friends, routinely make time just to talk. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about issues that matter to them, whether it’s online, face-to-face, or by phone. When they share their feelings and concerns with you, respond in a respectful way by both showing that you’ve heard and understood them and not interrupting or letting other events distract you from listening. Avoid betraying secrets that your relationship partners have confided in you, and don’t hide relevant information from them.
In your workplace relationships, you can use self-disclosure to create feelings of trust between you and your colleagues. This means following through on your promises, respecting confidences, and demonstrating honesty and integrity in your behavior. (See How to Communicate: Relationship Maintenance at Work on pp. 254–255.)