Supportive Communication

Positivity, assurances, and self-disclosure can be powerful tools for sustaining interpersonal relationships. But sometimes you need to do more. When you provide supportive communication, you express emotional support and offer personal assistance to lovers, family members, friends, or coworkers who need it (Burleson & MacGeorge, 2002). The need for such support can arise from a wide range of events—everything from being dumped by a romantic partner, getting laid off, or suffering a serious injury, to losing a loved one or failing an important exam. Skillful supportive messages convey sincere sympathy, concern, and encouragement. Messages are not supportive when they mock another person’s need for support (“Don’t be so dramatic”), tell the individual how he or she should feel (“Come on, snap out of it!”), or indicate that the person is somehow inadequate or blameworthy (“You brought this on yourself, you know”).

Communication scholar and social support expert Amanda Holmstrom offers the following suggestions for providing competent supportive communication (see Figure 10.3):3

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  1. Make sure the person is ready to talk. If the person appears too upset to talk, don’t push it. Instead, make it clear that you care and want to help, and that you’ll be there to listen when he or she needs you.
  2. Find the right place and time. Once the person is ready to talk, find a place and a time where you can have a quiet conversation. Avoid distracting settings, such as parties, where you won’t be able to focus. Find a time of the day when neither of you has other pressing obligations. If you are chatting online, be sure not to multitask (checking Twitter or WhatsApp, playing games), so you can devote your full attention to the person.
  3. Ask good questions. Start with open-ended questions (those that don’t require just a yes or no answer), such as “How are you feeling?” or “What’s on your mind?” Then follow up with more targeted questions, such as “Are you eating and sleeping OK?” (If the person says no, that may indicate depression.) Don’t assume that because you’ve been in a similar situation, you know what someone is going through. Resist any urge to say “I know just how you feel.”
  4. Legitimize, don’t minimize. Don’t dismiss the problem or the significance of the person’s feelings by saying things like “It could have been worse” or “Don’t worry; you’ll find someone else!” Research shows that these comments are unhelpful. Instead, let the person know that whatever he or she is feeling is OK (“It’s terrible that you are going through this and completely understandable that you are upset”).
  5. Listen actively. Drawing on your listening skills from Chapter 7, show interest in what the person is saying. Make eye contact, lean toward the individual, and provide feedback—such as “Uh-huh” and “Yeah”—when appropriate.
  6. Offer advice cautiously. Everyone wants to help someone who is suffering, so you may feel compelled to jump right in and start offering advice. But often that’s not helpful, and it may not be what the person wants. He or she may only need a sympathetic ear at the moment. Only give advice when the individual asks you for it, if you have relevant expertise or experience, and if it suggests an action that the person can actually do. When in doubt, ask if the person would like your advice—or just hold back until asked.
  7. Show concern and give praise. Let the person know you genuinely care and are concerned about his or her well-being (“I am so sorry for your loss” or “You’re really important to me”). Build the person up by praising his or her strength in handling this challenge (“You’ve got a lot going on, and you’ve done so well dealing with it”). Showing care and concern helps connect you to the person, and giving praise can help him or her feel better and gather strength that will be needed to tackle the problem at hand.