Given the importance of self-disclosure in building your interpersonal relationships, putting energy into strengthening your self-disclosure skills is enormously worthwhile. These practices can help (see Figure 10.2):
Know your thoughts and feelings. When you disclose to others, you affect their lives and relationship decisions. Consequently, you’re ethically obligated to be certain about the truth of information before you share it. This is especially important when disclosing intimate feelings, such as romantic interest. For instance, don’t tell someone you are dating that you love him or her unless you’re sure that’s how you really feel.
Know your audience. Whether it’s a text message or an intimate conversation, think carefully about how others will perceive your disclosure and how it will impact their thoughts and feelings about you. If you’re unsure about a disclosure’s appropriateness, don’t disclose. Instead, talk more generally about the issue or topic first, gauging the person’s level of comfort with the conversation before deciding whether to disclose. For example, suppose you decide that you do love your new boyfriend, but you’re not sure how he feels about you. Instead of blurting out “I love you!” broach the subject gently, by saying something like “I’ve really been enjoying spending time with you. We seem to have so much in common, and I have to admit—I’m starting to have some strong feelings for you.” If he seems happy to hear this, it may be OK to say “I love you.” If he appears uncomfortable, you may want to hold off disclosing your love.
Don’t make assumptions about gender. Just because someone is a woman doesn’t mean she will disclose freely, and just because a person is a man doesn’t mean he’s incapable of discussing his feelings. Even though men and women tend to feel more comfortable disclosing to women, don’t assume that when you’re talking with a woman, she’ll expect you to share your innermost self. Instead, be aware of how individual people respond to your disclosures, and adjust accordingly.
Be sensitive to cultural differences. When you’re interacting with people from cultural backgrounds different from yours, disclose gradually to test their responses. Don’t make assumptions about what another person will disclose based on his or her ethnicity. For example, just because a new acquaintance is Italian American doesn’t mean she will want to openly share her innermost thoughts and feelings. Likewise, just because someone is Chinese American doesn’t mean he will be reluctant to disclose.
Don’t force others to self-disclose. Though it’s perfectly appropriate to let someone know you’re available to listen, it’s unethical and destructive to try to make others share personal information with you if they don’t want to. People have reasons for not wanting to share certain things about themselves—just as you have reasons for protecting your own privacy.
When others disclose to you, actively listen and express empathy. In situations in which people opt to share personal information with you, be sure to treat their disclosures with the same respect you expect from others when you share such information. Show them that you’re listening by providing positive feedback and using a people-oriented listening style, as discussed in Chapter 7. You can demonstrate that you care about what they’re saying by expressing empathy—trying to see things from their perspective and showing compassion for them (see Chapter 2 for more tips on empathy).