Some relationships make it, and some don’t, and there’s not much you can do about it, right? Wrong. Relationships don’t survive because of fate or magic; they survive because people invest time and energy into making them work. You can help your relationships endure by learning relational maintenance tactics and by providing support when others need it.

In the spring of 2015, Steve and his wife, Kelly, accepted faculty positions at the University of Alabama, Birmingham (UAB). But they faced a dilemma. Although their two oldest sons, Kyle and Colin, were both in college (Kyle at the University of Chicago; Colin at Michigan State), their youngest son, Conor, was still in high school. Not wanting to uproot Conor from his friends and the only community he had ever known (East Lansing, Michigan), they made a radical choice. Until Conor graduated, Steve would teach on-site at UAB, and Kelly would stay in East Lansing and teach her UAB classes online. This meant that the family was geographically splintered: Steve in Birmingham; Kyle in Chicago; and Kelly, Colin, and Conor in East Lansing. But despite the distance, they remained close. Steve, Kelly, and Conor Skyped nightly; and Steve and Kelly texted thoughts, feelings, and updates throughout the day. Steve, Kyle, Colin, and Conor exchanged Facebook posts and e-mails multiple times weekly—about music, politics, religion, and current events. And every holiday—and for a week in the summer—the five reunited (including the trip to Oregon, captured in the photo), reaffirming the in-person bonds they’d kept solid through technology.

Many people believe that relationships just happen—that love affairs, family bonds, friendships, and professional affiliations arise on their own, run their natural course, and then succeed or fail according to fate. But a core principle of this book is that you control the destiny of your relationships through the communication choices you make. When you use all available means—online and off—to communicate positively, assure partners of your commitment, share your feelings, and support partners in times of need, your relationships thrive. When you communicate negatively, keep partners guessing about your degree of commitment, hide your feelings, and fail to support partners, your relationships wither.

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