Relational maintenance refers to the use of communication behaviors to keep a relationship strong and to ensure that each party continues to draw satisfaction from the relationship (Stafford, Dainton, & Haas, 2000). Across years of research, communication scholar Laura Stafford has observed three strategies that help romantic partners, family members, friends, and coworkers maintain their relationships: positivity, assurances, and self-disclosure (Stafford, 2010).

Positivity. Arguably the most powerful maintenance tactic in sustaining healthy relationships is positivity—communicating in a cheerful and optimistic fashion, doing unsolicited favors, and giving unexpected gifts (Stafford, 2010). Cross- and same-sex partners involved in romantic relationships, as well as family members, friends, and coworkers, all routinely cite positivity as the most important maintenance tactic for ensuring happiness (Dainton & Stafford, 1993; Haas & Stafford, 2005; Stafford, 2010). You use positivity when you²

² All bulleted items that follow adapted from the revised relationship maintenance behavior scale of Stafford (2010).

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You undermine positivity when you

How can you implement positivity in your interpersonal relationships? Start doing favors for your relationship partners without being asked, and surprise them with small gifts that show you care. Invest energy into making each encounter enjoyable. Avoid complaining about problems that have no solutions, ridiculing others, whining or sulking when you don’t get your way, and demanding favored treatment from others. Show appreciation when someone does something nice for you. Positivity can be especially helpful at work, since it can help offset the stresses you and your coworkers will inevitably face. (See Table 10.1.)

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Assurances. Another powerful maintenance tactic in boosting relationship satisfaction is the use of assurances—messages that emphasize how much your relationship partners mean to you, point out how important the relationships are to you, and show that you see a secure future together. You use assurances when you

You undermine assurances when you

In romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships, you may express assurances directly by saying things like “I love you” or “You’re my closest friend.” You may also emphasize how much you value your time together—for example, sending a text message saying “c u soon; can’t wait!” Assurances offered to close coworkers can boost intimacy and demonstrate that your relationships are based on choice rather than professional assignment. For example, inviting professional peers to join you in activities outside the workplace shows that you consider them friends rather than just coworkers.

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Self-Disclosure. As we discussed earlier, self-disclosure is the revealing of private information about yourself to others in interpersonal communication. Self-disclosure can foster intimacy with another person—for example, when you share increasingly personal information with a new friend as you get closer to him or her.

However, when you use self-disclosure as a relational maintenance tactic, the focus is on creating a climate of security and trust with others. You want to help your relationship partners feel that they can disclose their fears and other feelings to you without you judging, criticizing, or rejecting them. To encourage others to self-disclose, you must behave in ways that are predictable, trustworthy, and ethical. Over time, such behavior convinces your relationship partners that you’ll welcome personal information from them. You use self-disclosure for relational maintenance when you

You undermine self-disclosure when you

To foster disclosure with your lovers, family members, and friends, routinely make time just to talk. Encourage them to share their thoughts and feelings about issues that matter to them, whether it’s online, face-to-face, or by phone. When they share their feelings and concerns with you, respond in a respectful way by both showing that you’ve heard and understood them and not interrupting or letting other events distract you from listening. Avoid betraying secrets that your relationship partners have confided in you, and don’t hide relevant information from them.

In your workplace relationships, you can use self-disclosure to create feelings of trust between you and your colleagues. This means following through on your promises, respecting confidences, and demonstrating honesty and integrity in your behavior. (See How to Communicate: Relationship Maintenance at Work on pp. 258–259.)