CONSIDER THE DILEMMA

Tired of the local dating scene, you join an online matchmaking service. As you craft your profile, your friends encourage you to “spin” your self-presentation. “Make yourself three inches taller,” says one, and another encourages you to “change your age and say you have a master’s degree.” When you protest that this isn’t honest, they say, “Don’t worry about it—everyone does it! Besides, do you want to meet people or not?”

After a couple of weeks, you connect with Jordan, who seems to be your soul mate. You two have everything in common, from tastes in movies and music, to religious and political beliefs. Excited to meet offline, you arrange a lunch date.

Jordan proves to be even more desirable in person than online. As you enjoy lunch together, you cover many topics, including your educations, your families, and your life dreams. It is clear that the attraction you shared online exists offline as well. As lunch ends, you tell Jordan, “I’d really like to see you again.” However, Jordan frowns and says, “I have to be honest. Although I’ve really enjoyed our date, I’m a little confused. You’re not exactly how I thought you’d be, based on your profile. I mean, as we were talking, you said you are still in school. But that isn’t what your description says. Is there stuff you just haven’t told me, or did you make things up for your profile?”

CONNECT THE RESEARCH

People often present themselves online in ways that amplify positive characteristics, such as warmth and friendliness, while masking characteristics they think are undesirable or unattractive (Gosling, Gaddis, & Vazire, 2007). This is especially true on online dating sites. More than a quarter of online matchmaking members report having lied in their profiles to present themselves as more attractive (Brym & Lenton, 2001).

Communication scholar Jeffrey Hall and colleagues surveyed over 5,000 online dating service users to examine the specific ways in which they misrepresented themselves (Hall, Park, Song, & Cody, 2010). Although both men and women lied about their ages (making themselves younger), men were more likely than women to lie about income and educational levels, whereas women were more likely to lie about their weight.

Of course, distorting your online self-presentation is ultimately self-defeating if you wish to form offline relationships. Researchers found that 86 percent of dating site users reported having met others who they felt had misrepresented their physical attractiveness (Gibbs, Ellison, & Heino, 2006), and in such situations, they typically felt “lied to” (Ellison, Heino, & Gibbs, 2006).

So, while distorting your self-presentation online is both tempting and commonplace, if your goal is to forge an offline connection, you should present yourself authentically online. Otherwise, people may judge you as dishonest, and that can end a promising relationship before it even begins.

COMMUNICATE

Before making a communication choice, consider what the research tells you about online self-presentation. Also factor in what you have learned about face (pp. 42–43), embarrassment (p. 42), and apologies (p. 43). Then answer these questions:

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