Empathy is among the most valuable tools for communicating more effectively with others (Campbell & Babrow, 2004). The word empathy comes from the Greek word empatheia, meaning “feeling into.” When you experience empathy, you “feel into” others’ thoughts and emotions, making an attempt to identify with them (Kuhn, 2001).

Empathy consists of two components: perspective-taking and empathic concern (Davis, 1994). Perspective-taking is the ability to see things from other people’s point of view without necessarily experiencing their emotions (Duan & Hill, 1996). Empathic concern means becoming aware of how other people are feeling and experiencing compassion for them (Stiff, Dillard, Somera, Kim, & Sleight, 1988). For example, imagine your friend John texts you that his boyfriend just broke up with him. In experiencing empathy for your friend, you would put yourself in his shoes and call to mind instances in which a romantic partner left you. Then you’d envision the emotional pain and turmoil you’ve felt on such occasions, and use these memories to feel compassion toward John.

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We often think of empathy as an automatic process beyond our control, something we either feel or don’t feel (Schumann, Zaki, & Dweck, 2014). Consequently, we excuse ourselves from being empathic toward people we dislike or don’t get along with. But recent research suggests that whether we feel empathy toward others depends largely on our empathy mindset—our beliefs about whether empathy is something that can be developed and controlled (Schumann et al., 2014). People that view empathy as developable and controllable are capable of feeling empathy for a broad range of others—even during challenging communication contexts such as an interpersonal conflict, an argument about political beliefs, or a grief story told by someone we perceive as completely different from us (Schumann et al., 2014). Those who believe empathy is an uncontrollable, natural response have difficulty experiencing empathy within such challenging encounters.

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But experiencing empathy isn’t enough. You must also convey your empathy to others. To do so, let others know you’re genuinely interested in listening to them (“I’m here to listen if you want to talk”). Tell them you think their views are valid and understandable (“I can totally understand why you would feel that way”). Express your concern about them (“I care about you and am worried that you’re not OK”). And finally, share with them your own emotions regarding their situation (“I feel terrible that you’re going through this”).

When expressing empathy, avoid using “I know” messages (“I know just how you feel”). Even if you make such comments with kind intentions, the other person will likely be skeptical, particularly if they suspect that you don’t or can’t feel as they do. For example, when people suffer a great loss—such as the death of a loved one—many don’t believe that anyone else could feel the depth of anguish they’re experiencing. Saying “I know how you feel” isn’t helpful under these conditions. To see how you can competently display empathy, see How to Communicate: Empathy for a Group Member on pages 54–55.

Competently conveying empathy isn’t just something to be strived for as a matter of principle; it’s a recommendation packed with practical benefits (Goldstein, Vezich, & Shapiro, 2014). When others perceive you as empathic, they’re also more likely to perceive you as someone they can relate to, more likely to like you, and more likely to help you when you are in need.