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Self-awareness is the ability to view yourself as a unique person, distinct from your surrounding environment, and to reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—in short, asking yourself, “Who am I?” (Rochat, 2003).

But self-awareness isn’t only about inward analysis. You also look outward, to others, and compare yourself to them. Through social comparison, you assign meaning to others’ behaviors and then compare their behaviors against your own. Think of times you’ve wondered about your own speaking abilities after seeing a classmate deliver a stellar presentation, or pondered your interpersonal skills after watching a sibling comfort a friend. When you stack up favorably against people you admire, you think well of yourself (“I’m as fast as the runner who broke the school record last year!”). When you don’t compare favorably, you think less of yourself (“Why can’t I be as funny as my brother?”). This was the heart of Serena Williams’s struggle with her own body image: the fact that she constantly compared herself to her sister Venus, whom she deeply admired. As she describes, “Especially growing up with Venus, who’s so tall and slim and model-like, and me, I’m thick and hips and everything!” (Rodrick, 2013).

When communicating, you are always self-aware, constantly considering your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. But to improve your communication, you must routinely practice critical self-reflection, a special kind of self-awareness that focuses on evaluating and improving your communication. To engage in critical self-reflection, consider these five questions:

The goal of critical self-reflection is to enhance your communication. By routinely practicing critical self-reflection when faced with challenging situations, you will achieve a deeper understanding of the factors that influence your communication choices, allowing you to make better decisions and achieve improved outcomes as a result. For instance, say your brother discloses symptoms of a serious medical condition to you. But when you tell him to see the doctor, he laughingly dismisses your suggestion. You feel your anger rise, and you want to shout that he never listens and he’s a stubborn fool! If in such situations you’re able to critically reflect on your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, you’ll be more likely to adapt your communication in ways that bring about desired outcomes. In this situation, you might realize, “I’m angry at his response because I’m worried about him and want him to be OK.” This realization would lead you to say, “I’m sorry; it’s just that I love you very much and am concerned. How about I call and make the appointment for you, and we can drive over together? What days and times work best for you?”

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