Many people believe that men and women have different verbal communication preferences and practices. Specifically, they assume that women use and prefer “indirect” and “flowery” language, whereas men use and prefer “direct, clear, and concise” language (Spender, 1990). But scientific research has found that men and women are actually more similar than different when it comes to language. For example, after reviewing data from more than 1,000 gender studies, researchers Dan Canary, Tara Emmers-Sommer, and Sandra Faulkner (1997) found that if you consider all the factors that influence communication and compare their impact, only about 1 percent of people’s verbal communication behavior is related to gender. The researchers concluded that during verbal communication, “men and women respond in a similar manner 99% of the time.”

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So why do people think that men and women use language differently? Perception. Because people believe that men and women are different, they perceive differences in their communication—even when such differences don’t exist. In a well-known study documenting this effect, researchers gave two different groups of participants a copy of the same speech (Mulac, Incontro, & James, 1985). One group was told that a man had authored and presented the speech; the other group, that a woman had authored and presented it. Participants who thought the speech was female in origin perceived it as having a more “artistic quality” and complimented the language for being “pleasing, sweet, and beautiful.” Participants who were told that a man had authored the speech viewed it as having more “dynamism” and complimented the language as “strong, active, and aggressive.” Yet both groups read the same speech.

The lesson? You don’t need to adjust your verbal communication to your listeners’ or readers’ gender. Men and women appreciate language that is informative, honest, relevant, and clear. Everyone prefers talking with people who avoid placing blame through “you” language and who use “I” language to take responsibility for their own actions and feelings. Additionally, using “we” language creates a sense of unity with others, regardless of their gender.