The most constructive approach for managing conflict is collaboration—treating conflict as a mutual problem-solving challenge. Often, the result of using a collaborative approach is compromise, in which everyone involved modifies his or her individual goals to come up with a solution to the conflict. (We discuss compromise more on p. 205.) You’re most likely to use collaboration when you respect the other people involved and are concerned about their desires as well as your own (Keck & Samp, 2007; Zacchilli, Hendrick, & Hendrick, 2009).

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When collaborating, try to meet face-to-face, rather than through mediated channels, if at all possible. Meeting in person makes it more likely that the people involved will seek constructive solutions and consider everyone’s goals and desires (Frisby & Westerman, 2010). If this isn’t an option, arrange a phone call instead.

To manage conflict through collaboration, try the following four suggestions (Wilmot & Hocker, 2010). First, attack problems, not people. When talking about the conflict, keep your language courteous, respectful, and positive—avoiding personal attacks. Treat the source of the conflict as separate from the people who are involved, using “I” and “we” language to emphasize this: “I can see that this disagreement is bothering us; let’s try to figure out how we can solve it.” As Chapter 5 on verbal communication explains, avoid “you” language, which can place blame on others.

Second, focus on common interests and long-term goals (“I know we all want this group project to be a success”). Arguing over positions (“I want this” or “I want that!”) may just escalate things, as the conflict becomes a test of wills about who will back down first.

Third, create options before arriving at decisions. Identify different possible routes for resolving the conflict, and then combine the best parts of them to come up with a solution. Don’t get bogged down searching for the one “perfect” solution—it may not exist.

Fourth, critically evaluate your solution. Carefully consider this question: Is it equally fair for everyone involved?

Because collaboration focuses on respectful and ethical communication, and on satisfying everyone’s interests rather than just one person’s, it tends to net more positive outcomes than the other approaches to conflict. Collaboration increases people’s relationship satisfaction (Frisby & Westerman, 2010), and individuals who regularly use collaborative approaches are more likely to resolve their conflicts and experience shorter and fewer disputes overall (Caughlin & Vangelisti, 2000). To see how you can collaborate, check out How to Communicate: Collaboration in a Conflict on pages 202–203.