How do the conflicts in your life happen? Are they “out of nowhere” blowups? Do they contain heated language? Do you avoid them at all costs? No matter the type, all conflicts are a process involving people who perceive incompatible goals or actions. Knowing what conflicts are empowers you to recognize them when they exist, and manage them more constructively.

Consider all the things that have triggered conflict in your life: jealousy, betrayal, stress, perceived slights, sex, time, money, work, politics, religion, personal habits—or even combinations of these. Now think about the people with whom you’ve shared these disputes: family, friends, coworkers, classmates, roommates, neighbors, strangers, romantic partners. And don’t forget the setting. You’ve likely clashed with others while chatting online or texting, during phone calls, while engaged in face-to-face group discussions, or perhaps even during formal talks or presentations. Yet despite the seemingly limitless variation in causes, participants, and contexts, all conflicts have surprisingly similar defining elements. A conflict is a communication process between people who perceive incompatible goals or interference in achieving their objectives (Wilmot & Hocker, 2010). Almost all conflicts you’ll experience follow this definition: they begin with perception, involve clashes between goals or actions (or both), and are processes that unfold over time.