The problem with attributional errors is that they don’t just stay inside your head; you express them. When you perceive others as uncooperative and blame them for the conflict (as well as your own bad behavior), you may say things that make them feel bad, escalate the conflict further, and damage the relationship. Known as destructive messages, these usually take one of three forms: sniping, sudden-
During conflicts, some people resort to sniping—communicating in a negative way and then leaving the encounter. When you snipe, you shoot a remark at others and immediately hide, so the others can’t shoot back. For example, your dad waits until he knows you’re too busy to answer your phone, then leaves you a voice mail filled with complaints about how you’ve been neglecting him. Needless to say, sniping is disrespectful, unethical, and destructive. It serves no purpose other than hurtfulness; thus, it only fuels conflicts.
If conflicts spiral out of control, sudden-
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But of all the destructive things that can come out during conflicts, by far the worst (in terms of personal and communicative costs) are dirty secrets—messages that are honest in content but have been kept hidden to protect someone’s feelings. Examples of dirty secrets include criticism of a romantic partner’s physical appearance (“You’ll never be as hot as my ex!”), a revelation about workplace attitudes (“Don’t you know that most people here think you are terrible at your job and are overpaid?”), and lack of maternal feelings (“I wish you’d never been born!”). Similar to sniping, dirty secrets are designed to hurt. But they do far worse damage because the content is true. They have the power to permanently damage recipients’ feelings and destroy relationships. Although you may be tempted to reveal a dirty secret in the heat of the moment, it’s not worth it. Instead, leave the encounter and return later, after you’ve cooled down.