The problem with attributional errors is that they don’t just stay inside your head; you express them. When you perceive others as uncooperative and blame them for the conflict (as well as your own bad behavior), you may say things that make them feel bad, escalate the conflict further, and damage the relationship. Known as destructive messages, these usually take one of three forms: sniping, sudden-death statements, and dirty secrets.

During conflicts, some people resort to sniping—communicating in a negative way and then leaving the encounter. When you snipe, you shoot a remark at others and immediately hide, so the others can’t shoot back. For example, your dad waits until he knows you’re too busy to answer your phone, then leaves you a voice mail filled with complaints about how you’ve been neglecting him. Needless to say, sniping is disrespectful, unethical, and destructive. It serves no purpose other than hurtfulness; thus, it only fuels conflicts.

If conflicts spiral out of control, sudden-death statements can occur: spontaneous declarations that the relationship is over, even though the people involved did not consider termination a possibility before the conflict. A fight between romantic partners about “friending” an ex on Facebook morphs into, “Maybe we should date other people!” A disagreement between roommates about who’s responsible for which household chores escalates into, “Fine—I’m moving out!” Or a dispute over how best to approach a group project results in, “Forget it—we’ll all just work separately on our own ideas!” People can “walk it back” after issuing sudden-death statements; however, this is hard to do without looking foolish and impulsive, causing them to lose face or experience embarrassment. For that reason, many people stand behind their threatening statements, even if the consequences aren’t really what they want. If you need to maintain your face after losing it, see the suggestions in Chapter 2 on page 43.

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But of all the destructive things that can come out during conflicts, by far the worst (in terms of personal and communicative costs) are dirty secrets—messages that are honest in content but have been kept hidden to protect someone’s feelings. Examples of dirty secrets include criticism of a romantic partner’s physical appearance (“You’ll never be as hot as my ex!”), a revelation about workplace attitudes (“Don’t you know that most people here think you are terrible at your job and are overpaid?”), and lack of maternal feelings (“I wish you’d never been born!”). Similar to sniping, dirty secrets are designed to hurt. But they do far worse damage because the content is true. They have the power to permanently damage recipients’ feelings and destroy relationships. Although you may be tempted to reveal a dirty secret in the heat of the moment, it’s not worth it. Instead, leave the encounter and return later, after you’ve cooled down.