Another way to approach conflict is competition—confronting others and pursuing your own goals to the exclusion of theirs. This was the approach taken by Kanye West when he ran onto the stage, grabbed the microphone, and declared Beyoncé the rightful winner at the VMAs. Competition has two defining characteristics: open and clear discussion of the conflict, and pursuit of one’s own goals without regard for others’ goals (Sillars, 1980).

As with accommodation, whether you’ll choose competition depends on your power in the situation and the relationship. Simply put, if you have power, you’ll be more likely to use competition than if you don’t (Peterson, 2002). Because you control important resources, you can withhold those resources from others (if you feel you must) to serve your own desires. Consider how this works between parents and children. If parents wish to vacation at one destination, but the kids want to go somewhere else, the parents can just say, “Too bad, we’re going where we want to go,” and the matter is finished. After all, they control the money needed to fund the trip.

The competitive approach raises the risk of escalation in a conflict—a dramatic rise in emotional intensity and unproductive communication. If you and the others involved in the conflict refuse to back down from the dispute, the conflict becomes a test of wills, virtually guaranteeing that tensions will escalate. Even conflicts that start out as minor can quickly explode into major disputes. When this happens, conflicts can intensify into something called kitchen sinking (from the expression “throwing everything at them but the kitchen sink”), in which combatants hurl assorted accusations at each other that have little to do with the disagreement at hand: “You didn’t like my presentation? Well, nobody here at work can stand you! We all wish you’d quit!” The goal of kitchen sinking is to hurt the other person’s feelings in whatever way you can, rather than manage the conflict constructively. The result is often irreparable damage to the relationship.

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Technology can inadvertently foster escalation in conflicts. When you communicate through social media, you can’t see or hear your communication partners and their reactions (Shedletsky & Aitken, 2004). This lack of feedback makes it harder to understand what others are feeling. Known as empathy deficits, this puts you at risk for incompetent communication. When you are unaware of the full impact your communication choices have on your partners, it’s easier to bully them or use hostile personal attacks that escalate the conflict. Also, as Chapter 3 explains, people on the receiving end of your communication experience the same empathy deficits. Their online messages are less sensitive and less tactful as well, even if they don’t mean them to be.