1. Your Dilemma
You dated Riley for over a year. You were in love and thought the two of you might even get married someday. But last week you discovered that Riley had been cheating on you for the last two months. You were so furious and hurt that you broke it off, and you haven’t spoken with Riley since. Riley has been texting and emailing you, begging forgiveness, but you haven’t responded.
One night you’re studying with your roommate when you get a text from Riley. But instead of being another apology, it’s a request. Riley let you borrow a USB drive last week, which apparently contains all of Riley’s notes for an important project, and Riley’s hard drive just crashed—making the USB drive the only copy of these materials. Riley wants to come by and get it. You’re just about to text “OK” when your roommate interjects, “Are you insane!? After what Riley did to you? You should throw it away and tell Riley you can’t find it.” Just then, Riley texts you again, “Do u have my drive? I really need it. Please text me back.”
2. The Research
There’s no question that betrayal in a close relationship is one of the worst experiences you can have. Some people respond to betrayal by seeking revenge. Revenge comes in many forms, most of which are as unethical and destructive as the behavior triggering the vengeance. Canadian researchers Susan Boon, Vicki Deveau, and Alishia Alibhai (2009) found that vengeful partners commonly exact their revenge online, by posting negative photos of their lovers on Facebook or blogging about their lovers’ deficient sexual attributes. In extreme cases, vengeance may involve sabotaging partners at work so that they get fired, or de-enrolling them from their college or university.
Partners who seek revenge report a host of motives for doing so, but the most common involve a desire to “have power over a partner” and “to make the partner suffer” (Boon et al., 2009). People seeking revenge often presume they will feel better once “justice has been served.” However, research by communication scholar Stephen Yoshimura (2007) examining the aftermath of revenge suggests that people not only continue to feel angry about the betrayal but also feel remorseful and anxious about repercussions from their vengeful acts. So although you may be tempted to seek vengeance in the wake of a betrayal, keep this in mind: not only is such behavior unethical, but you may suffer even more if you behave in this way.
3. Your Opportunity
How will you respond to your roommate? Before you act, consider the facts of the situation and think about the revenge research. Also, reflect on what you’ve learned so far about communication competence, ethics, and the ways in which your speech and actions connect to outcomes.