Chapter . Advance the Conversation: Protecting a Friend From Harm

1.1

Kevin is your best friend on campus. He is funny, athletic, and hardworking. He’s also painfully shy; it’s often difficult for him to meet new people.

It’s a Friday night, and you and Kevin decide to head to a nightclub to celebrate the end of a tough week. You both take turns as the designated driver, and tonight is your turn to drive. Shortly after arriving at the club, Kevin orders a couple of drinks, approaches a woman, and asks her to dance. You are excited that he took the initiative to meet someone new, but you’re not sure if the woman is Kevin’s type. When you express your concern to Kevin, he laughs and says, “I’ve had classes with her before—she’s fine. Her name is Aliana.”

As the hours slide by, it’s clear that as Kevin continues to drink, he is acting far outside his normally reserved demeanor and is starting to embarrass himself in front of other people at the club. He is making a serious play for Aliana, and he’s feeding her drinks, one after the next, so now both of them are wasted. You decide to intervene, but when you tell Kevin it’s time to go, he says he’s going home with Aliana. When you tell him you don’t think that’s a good idea, Kevin snaps, “Don’t tell me what to do! You’re not my mother!”

Researchers Lisa Menegatos, Linda Lederman, and Aaron Hess (2010) looked at college students’ verbal communication strategies for trying to stop drunken friends from hooking up with strangers. They found that college students in such situations commonly use one of three strategies to intervene:

• Persuasion: They try to convince their friend not to go home with the other person, emphasizing the potential health and social consequences, such as the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, and regrets that may be experienced in the morning.
• Deception: They trick their friend into not leaving with the other person. For example, they might tell their friend that they’ll provide a ride to the hookup’s house but drive to a restaurant to get something to eat instead.
• Confrontation: They verbally or physically discourage their friend from leaving with the other person by assertively telling the friend that it’s time to leave the club or even physically removing the friend from the club, if necessary. Alternatively, they might confront the person who is pursuing the hookup, telling him or her to leave their friend alone.

Before you act, consider the facts of the situation, and think about what the research tells you about communicating with an intoxicated friend who is engaging in risky behavior. Also reflect on what you have learned about deception, verbal aggression, and verbal communication skills.