1. Your Dilemma
Growing up, your parents fought constantly, and the bitterness of their relationship tore you apart because you love each of them dearly. Now they are divorced, and you live with your mom, who bad-mouths your dad all the time. You try to be a supportive listener, but it’s hard because you love your dad, and her comments are so toxic.
The situation escalates when your mom starts dating John. She and John get along really well, but the contrast between their relationship and your parents’ former marriage makes things worse. When you visit your dad, he says horrible things about your mom and John, and your mom is still slandering your dad. There seems to be no escape from the negativity, and you’re stressed, exhausted, and unhappy.
One night you’re at your mom’s, and she’s on the phone with John. After she hangs up, she says to you, “I’m so glad to have John in my life. He supports me in ways your father never did. And he’s a better lover and friend than your father ever was. I can’t believe I wasted all those years with your dad!” Listening to her, you feel sick to your stomach. Noticing your reaction, she says, “I’m sorry for always dumping this stuff on you. It’s just I’ve felt so out of control recently. And you’re such a good listener—it means so much to me to be able to tell you everything!”
2. The Research
Communication scholars Tamara Afifi, Tara McManus, Susan Hutchinson, and Birgitta Baker (2007) studied divorced parents’ inappropriate disclosures to their children: comments that insulted the other parent; were age inappropriate; or placed the child in an uncomfortable position as mediator, counselor, or friend.
The most frequent type of inappropriate parental disclosure was insults. Parents who slandered one another to their children often felt justified saying such things to support “their side of the story” regarding the breakup. Parents who believed their lives were out of control were more likely to dump inappropriate information on their kids.
Parents’ inappropriate disclosures had destructive effects on their children. Kids who said, “My parent tells me negative things that my other parent has done” or “My parent tells me things that a child shouldn’t have to hear” reported poorer physical and mental health, less psychological well-being, and increased stress.
What can you take away from this research? Although self-disclosure is essential for building and sustaining intimacy, sharing inappropriate negative information can be devastating. When you are in a position to share negative information, consider what is appropriate, effective, and ethical given the situation and relationships involved.
3. Your Opportunity
Before making a communication choice, consider the facts of the situation, and think about the inappropriate disclosure research. Also, reflect on what you’ve learned so far about self-disclosure in relationships and the dynamics of family relationships.