Chapter 7. Cheryl’s Case: “This Is Who I Am”

Client Name: Cheryl

Age: 15 years old

Gender: Female

Ethnicity: Biracial (White and African-American)

Occupation: Student

Current living situation: I live at home with my parents and my sister Amanda

Why are you seeking services at our clinic? My doctor, Dr. Bird, wants me to see you before I start treatment, and then I need to keep seeing you during the treatment. She says treatment is a long process, and I want to get this going before I start college. Dr. Bird also said it would help my family if we all talked to someone together about my condition. She’s concerned about me—how I’m going to adjust to everything.

Cheryl: [quietly at first but then becoming louder and more direct] Dr. Bird says I have to talk to you before I start my treatment regimen. She says we’ll need to work together to assess my progress. I want to get this going. I know treatment can be a really long process, and I want – no, I NEED – this to MOVE [with desperation]. But… [pause] Dr. Bird says my family—my mom and dad—also need to talk about the issues they have with my diagnosis. [Rolling eyes] So everyone is here.

Mom: We want to be supportive, but I don’t understand why we have to rush into this. You can wait to start the treatment. You’re only 15.

Amanda: [almost interrupting—some hostility towards her mother evident in her voice] I, for one, want to be as helpful and supportive as I can.

Dad: [uncomfortable and frustrated] I really don’t understand why I have to be here. This is a personal issue, after all.

Cheryl: I’ll start hormone treatment first; Dr. Bird says you’ll help her monitor my behavior as I go through the treatment changes…make sure I adjust ok to all the hormones, I guess?... I don’t really understand why I need to see you when she can just treat me. I will also start changing my behavior before – or I guess during? – the treatment. I hope my family will help me with that, but [pauses, then softer] I know my mom and dad aren’t very comfortable with all this. Then in several years … such a long time to wait! ... when I’m ready and we’ve jumped through all the hoops, Dr. Bird will do the final step. [brighter and more hopeful] She’s known for this treatment. She’s world famous—and she has also been empathetic and supportive – I feel really lucky to have her as my doctor.

Dad: [breaking in] This is really uncomfortable to talk about. Are you sure I need to be here?

Mom: We’re going to all try to be supportive, Lee. Even if I think it’s far too early for these drastic steps.

Amanda: [to Cheryl] Even if mom and dad aren’t, I’m with you 100%. I’ve got your back!

Mom: How long has it been, Charles?

Cheryl: [softly and with frustration] Cheryl! I… I keep telling you that I prefer to be called Cheryl. And I honestly don’t remember when I first felt like this. I never felt like I was a guy. From the time I understood the difference between girls and boys, I just felt like I was a girl trapped in the wrong body.

Dad: I remember telling him to stop whining like a girl and be a man at age 2.

Amanda: I think when she was around 3, she wanted to play dress up with my clothes, put barrettes in her hair. We had a blast.

Dad: [breaking in angrily] I used to tell him to take those girl clothes off. I told ALL of you not to encourage that behavior.

Amanda: Nobody was getting hurt. It was really fun for both of us! And then one day they freaked out because I painted her nails.

Mom: [quietly] That set off some warning bells for me. It was taking it too far.

Dad: And then there was the potty training! He wanted—no, insisted on—sitting down to pee like a girl. [Sadly] It took me a long time to figure out that Charles is never going to act the way men act.

Dad: [muttering under his breath] Cheryl. Such B.S. We named you Charles after my father – your grandfather.

Cheryl: Dad, I – [deep sigh, quiet, less comfortable] Thank you for asking about my preferred pronouns. I don’t think anyone except Dr. Bird has ever done that before. I prefer she/her. I started school when I was 4 or so, I think. My teacher, Mrs. Sabathia, was really nice. She saw that I was different from the boys, and she didn’t seem to care. I liked pretending to cook like my Grammy and Nana. I’d play hopscotch or jump rope with a group of girls, and they didn’t seem to mind. The boys bullied me for doing “girly” things, though. They would chase me around the playground and call me names. One of them threw rocks at me. It got so bad that even though I loved everything we were learning I was afraid to go to school. I would pretend to have a stomachache to try to get out of it.

Cheryl: [sadly] Things got really rough in first grade. We had separate boys and girls bathrooms for the first time, and I hated it! I don’t like to pee standing up, so I’d have to rush to be the first one in the bathroom so I could get a stall. I’d get called a “sissy.” The girls didn’t really accept me, even though I liked playing with them. It was like I didn’t fit in anywhere. And mom made me wear boy’s pants and overalls to school … I felt really strange and like I didn’t fit in my own skin.

Mom: [defensive] I made him wear boy’s clothes – as was appropriate … [sadly] but he hated it.

Amanda: As soon as Cheryl got home from school, she would tear off her boy’s clothes and change into my old clothes. I’m only 2 years older, so lots of my stuff fit her. [To Cheryl] I remember that you always seemed more comfortable once you changed clothes, more like yourself…happier. You were so sad when you got home from school.

Dad: First grade was the first time someone outside the family expressed concern about Charles’s behavior. His first-grade teacher called us in for a conference. She told us that his behavior was – different – from the other boys’. She said he was different and that she was concerned about how much the other kids were teasing him, and how that was affecting his schoolwork. She told us that Charles was withdrawn in class and sat by himself inside during recess. She was worried that it would get harder for him as he got older and she recommended that we see a psychologist.

Mom: It was very hard for us to see him – er, her – come home so depressed and scared. I tried to blow off the stomachaches the year before as typical school avoidance, but it was difficult to see your own child seem so withdrawn and not know why or what to do to help. He-she- didn’t seem to have any friends, either.

Cheryl: [Brightening] Yeah, and she was great! We did some family sessions – I … I would say that wasn’t much help, but I got to do individual sessions, which were great. Dr. Edelman let me play out scenarios as a girl and we figured out how I could react when kids teased me or worse – when they threw things at me or chased me. I got more assertive and learned to seek out help from the teacher… until I realized it just made the kids bully me more. It made me feel sad and hopeless, and Dr. Edelman was helping me to cope with those feelings. [ sadder] But then Dad said we couldn’t go any more after about 3 months.

Dad: [irritated] As Charles has explained, we already attended family sessions. We checked that box off. I don’t understand why Charles’s new doctor is making us go through this again.

Mom: I made sure we followed through together as a family, but Lee found the therapy sessions painful. The therapist knew about these sorts of things and had us bring in Amanda so that we could try to understand about Charles not wanting to be a boy.

Amanda: I was a little confused. Why were we going to a doctor that didn’t give us shots? [laughs a little, then more seriously]. I felt like it was helpful to have someone explain what was going on with Cheryl, even if mom and dad didn’t.

Mom: [sharply] Amanda, being a child herself, has never understood what her father and I went through. We tried to understand. We went to—we paid for—the sessions. It just never made sense to us to address this issue. He was too young to know what he wanted or needed. We thought it was clearly just a phase. I’m not convinced it’s still not!

Dad: [grumbling under his breath] Ridiculous waste of time.

Cheryl: It was okay, I guess. Amanda and I had fun. We live in a really nice neighborhood. Our grandparents lived nearby, too. My grandfathers seemed pretty offended that I didn’t want to hunt and fish with them – they used to call me names like “sissy boy,” but Grammy and Nana liked cooking with me, even if they didn’t understand me. Mom and Dad sent me and Amanda to private schools, so I got a really good education – when I could concentrate. But the kids were just as mean as the kids in public school, and that made it really difficult to do well.

Dad: I believe we gave Charles a good childhood, so I’m not sure why he continues to be so unhappy with who he is. [with pride] I’m an investment banker, so I can provide well for my family.

Mom: I started teaching high school English again when Charles—I mean Cheryl, I guess—entered junior high school. [pauses] Lee and I met in college. He was quite a jock—played lacrosse, belonged to a fraternity. [Turning to her husband] That may be why it’s hard for you to understand what was going on with Charles.

Dad: [acknowledging his wife’s point] It was tough. It bothered me so much when he said he wanted to be a girl and wore his sister’s clothes and couldn’t enjoy sports the way I did as a boy. But it was even harder for our parents, especially our fathers. They thought Charles was a homosexual. They thought that was the only explanation for why he wanted to be a girl.

Amanda: I always accepted Cheryl, but at first it was easier for me to think of her as gay. It took me a while to understand what Cheryl meant when she said she felt like a girl instead of a boy. I think I get it now, though, and I really want you to be able to get this treatment, Cheryl.

Mom: I am trying to understand and accept this and love my child. I have helped him – her? – [to Cheryl] I don’t even know what to call you! – when kids bullied him at school. I want to say I love my children unconditionally, and Lee and I have worked really hard to give them as happy a life as possible. But it’s so hard. I never learned about anything like this when I was growing up.

Cheryl: [Sadly] It’s – it’s not great. You see how my parents don’t understand me. Then every day at school I get made fun of and I don’t really have people to sit with at lunch or friends to talk to. [quieter] Sometimes it’s actually scary. There are guys who threaten me physically, slam me into lockers. Sometimes I just can’t make myself go to school. [deep breath] It takes all the energy I have to maintain a B average – I know I could be an A student if I wasn’t so on my guard all the time. Things can just feel overwhelmingly bleak. The only thing I have to look forward to is going to college in a couple of years and getting out of here. I’m looking for schools with good support for transgender students. I know this treatment will be tough, and I probably won’t be able to get my surgery until after college, so I’m going to need an environment where I feel accepted. [pauses]

Right now, it’s hard … I don’t feel like my parents … I don’t feel like you guys get me. [pauses] I don’t feel like you support me. My Dad doesn’t ever show me affection – you don’t, Dad – which sucks. It’s like me being me isn’t good enough. And Mom, sometimes I feel like I don’t know where you stand. It’s like you love me, but you would love me more if I were more like your idea of who I should be. And I need you to love me as ME.

Dad: I just don’t understand this part of you and why you have to put us all through this.

Cheryl: [getting upset] It’s not something I’m putting you through! This is who I AM! I’m not doing it just to do it.

Mom: [a little emotional] I’m trying really hard. I just don’t know why you can’t wait until you are out of high school to make sure this is not just a phase.

Cheryl: It’s not a phase. It’s really not. It’s not going to go away, not matter how much you want it to. [louder] This is who I am.

Cheryl: I really like to dance. My mom encouraged me to take dance classes. I’m also good at art. I like ceramics, and I love metal sculpture and welding. I hope that when I go to college, I can major in art. I can’t wait to get to college! I think things will be different for me there.

Dad: Welding is the most masculine thing he does. I guess he makes some great art – I wouldn’t really know how to judge it, but his teachers say good things.

Mom: And I love that he got into dancing – I think “Dancing with the Stars” made it ok for boys and girls to dance again.

Amanda: I’m glad that you like to cook and I always get to be your taste-tester.

Cheryl: [excited] I’d like to get some clothes that are more “feminine.” I’m not sure if I’m ready to wear dresses yet, but maybe some leggings and brighter colors and patterns, and some cute shoes. I want to get a nice haircut and a mani-pedi. I think I might even paint my toenails but keep wearing closed-toed shoes. I’ve already started taking good care of my skin, but I don’t know if I’m ready to wear make-up yet. I’d like to start pushing the limits a little, [pauses, quieter] but I’m really afraid of what the kids at school might say and how it might increase the bullying. [quietly] Sometimes I worry about my safety.

Amanda: [seriously] Cheryl, I want you to tell me from now on when this stuff happens at school. We can go to the principal together. [excited] And when you’re ready, I could go shopping with you. This will be awesome – I’ve always wanted a sister to share this kind of stuff with.

Dad: [sighs] I can’t believe my son wants to wear “feminine” clothes.

Mom: [uncomfortably]This is all moving too fast for me…

[MUSIC PLAYING]

HARPER ROBERTSON: As far back as I can remember, it was quite self-evident to me that it would have been much better to have been born a boy. I remember like my grandmother asking me when I was probably about seven or eight, she said, do you want to be a boy? And I said, of course, duh. I just felt completely trapped by the way that I looked.

NARRATOR: But there was always a sense of something not quite right.

THOMAS DOLBY: I never felt that Harper was very happy as a child. And it makes me think sometimes of families in which a kid is brought up as the other gender. You know, the parents wanted something different and sort of forced to live a different way. And looking back, I feel that Harper was, in a way, was trapped in the same way.

HARPER ROBERTSON: I felt like I didn't make sense to other people unless I could explain that I just wasn't a girl. And also, I wasn't making sense to myself in a lot of ways. It was really profound. It really had to happen. There was no way around it basically.

WOMAN: And I was pretty flabbergasted. It was like a lightning bolt. But it wasn't the end of the world. And your child is still there, they just want to live their life presenting differently.

THOMAS DOLBY: And also, you've now got something to focus on. If you've got an unhappy child and you discover this is the issue, then you've got something to focus your energy on rather than just worrying the whole time.

REPORTER: She could be any 12-year-old girl hanging out with her mom and sister. But Zoe was biologically born a boy. Zoe's family and her childhood friends in her town near Los Angeles have been supportive.

GIRL: Look at Zoe.

REPORTER: But a survey of nearly 300 transgender youth found that 89% reported being harassed in school.

JOHANNA OLSON: Come on. We're going back to the long room back here.

REPORTER: And Zoe, too, has endured cruel treatment from her schoolmates.

ZOE: Even like the kids that do seem like they're good kids, they even make fun of me. They'll be like, yeah, we're your friend. Just don't worry. Tell us more about yourself and how you're going through life. And then, they'll just turn on you. And they'll be talking about what you told them.

REPORTER: Zoe's doctor, Johanna Olson, is a specialist in the care of transgendered youth at Children's Hospital Los Angeles. She says that her patients have a condition known as gender dysphoria.

JOHANNA OLSON: The words that we use to describe persistent unhappiness, discomfort, and distress about the incongruence between the gender that you are assigned based on your anatomy at birth versus the way that you internally experience gender. I see between one and five new trans kids a week, so the growth is tremendous. We've had something like a 330% increase over the year 2013. It's just phenomenal.

REPORTER: What do you think is happening? I mean, are there more transgender children?

JOHANNA OLSON: It's not so much that there are more transgender kids, it's that trans people are coming out earlier. We also know that, among trans people, there are high rates of depression, anxiety, social isolation, suicide attempts. All of these things we see dramatically increased in trans youth. But young people that I've seen who socially transition in childhood and have support of their families, they have a very different experience.

REPORTER: But Venice has had other issues to worry about. His parents are separated. And while his mother and brother have always been supportive, his father was not.

MIKE: Nobody knows what we're going through.

REPORTER: Today Venice's father, Mike, has joined Venice's mother in a support group for parents of transgender kids.

MIKE: I was in a lot of fear and anxiety and especially when my kid came out.

REPORTER: He acknowledges that he hired a series of therapists in an effort to convince Venice to live as a girl, all to no avail.

MIKE: So I was totally in the wrong area, spending lots of money, trying to fix a kid that wasn't really broken.