Chapter 5. Jenny’s Case: "They’re Just Jealous"

Client Name: Jenny

Age: 20 years old

Gender: Female

Ethnicity: Asian-American and Caucasian

Occupation: Student

Current living situation: I live with my parents

Why are you seeking services at our clinic? My friends dragged me here. They said they are worried about my eating habits. I can’t help it if I’m healthier than they are. I think they’re just jealous.

Jenny: Well, like you said, my friends kind of dragged me here. They say that I have an eating disorder. That’s ridiculous. I think they’re just jealous because I have more self-discipline than they do. If anything, I eat more healthily than they do! They just bugged me about it so much that I figured I’d come talk to you to get them off my back.

Jenny: They say they are worried about my weight. They think I’m losing too much weight. I think that’s crazy. [earnestly and emphatically] I have to be very careful about what I eat to make sure I don’t gain weight … I gain weight very easily. I don’t think I worry about my weight any more than I have to or any more than my friends do … Like, yesterday I really pigged out at dinner, so I was super anxious when I got on the scale this morning. Luckily, I weighed the same as yesterday. It’s such a battle to keep my weight where I want it to be. I’ll set a goal for myself … my current goal is to lose 5 more pounds … then I’ll be good. Of course, I thought that before, but when I reached my current weight … well, as you can see … I’m still fat. My friends still call me skinny – it’s crazy! Can’t they see this fat on my gut? Don’t even get me started on my thighs! I really want that “thigh gap,” but I just can’t seem to get it. Maybe you can answer this – is there a weird condition where my body can hold onto fat in some places – like my hips and thighs – but lose it in others?

Jenny: [a little proudly] Okay, so I’m 5’5” and I just finally got down under 100 lb. As of this morning, I weigh 98 lb. I’m never going to let myself get above 100 lb. again! But it was so hard to get here. [pause] I was heaviest probably when I was 14 when I got my period. [disgusted] I think I hit [disgusted] 130 lb. then because my body changed so fast. I focused on controlling my weight after that. When I was 17, I finally got down to 105 lb. You know what? I just realized that before now, 105 was my lowest weight. [excited] I’m currently at my lowest weight ever! That was so hard. When I was 17 I broke my hip and I gained all this weight when I was recovering and couldn’t work out. I just started losing weight again this year. [quieter, sad] I was dating this guy Josh, and he broke up with me for a skinnier girl. So I decided to lose weight again, to show him. It was really easy – I just slipped back into my old routine.

Jenny: It was painful! And it took so much physical therapy to rehab it! I used to be a competitive figure skater. My mom got me into it when I was real young, and she was so encouraging, taking me to early morning practices, enrolling me in competitions, and celebrating when I won. [sadly] then I had a bad fall… on the ice. The doctors told us that I was malnourished and had brittle bones. … I guess I was more vulnerable to fractures… [sadly] I never went back on the ice.

Jenny: Yeah … sometimes I do miss it. It was such a big part of my life. I started when I was only 3, and I skated competitively until I broke my hip. I don’t miss the practice, though! It was tough. I practiced for hours after school every day, and when I wasn’t practicing, I was in the gym cross-training or trying to fit in my schoolwork. Figure skating emphasizes having “the right kind of body” and looking good… long and lean — like a dancer. I figured this out pretty early on — in the third grade, when my mom caught me eating chips and told me I couldn’t eat like other people if I - was serious about skating. I mean, it was obvious to her I didn’t have a naturally thin body.

Jenny: I don’t want you to think my mom was mean – she was just being honest! She just always pushes me to be my best. I am who I am today because she has such high standards for me. I was an only child, but I wasn’t spoiled. My dad worked really long hours – he is a doctor in the E.R. – so sometimes it could be a little lonely. My mom was like my best friend. I told her everything, and she told me things, too. My parents set a very good example –they drilled it into me to always look and be my best. Mom wants to be perfect in everything she does, and she gets down when something goes wrong. She and I stay up and talk … sometimes my mom would cry and tell me how she felt like a failure. [quieter, smaller voice] That’s hard to hear. Those conversations felt really awkward, like I knew too much about her. [embarrassed] It’s also awkward when my mom comments on my clothes or how I look. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have any privacy.

Jenny: That’s easy! I try to keep it the same every day! I weigh myself first thing in the morning. Then I write down everything I’ll eat for the day. I don’t eat breakfast because I go to the gym right away. I do at least 90 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of weights. Sometimes the manager there is so annoying – he tried to send me home once because he said I looked like I was going to pass out. [annoyed] What does he know? … So, if my workout goes well, then I go home and let myself eat lunch. I always have a plain salad – no dressing – too much fat! – half a can of tuna, and a diet soda. Between classes I allow myself to have coffee with my friends. They always want me to snack, so I bring my own healthy food, but I try not to eat it, especially if I’ve had lunch. If they stare at me until I eat, I have a hard time paying attention in my next class because I can’t stop thinking about all those calories! I swear I can feel my fat cells ballooning. It’s so disgusting! At night, I eat a low-cal frozen meal or my new favorite, fat-free cottage cheese, corn, and hot sauce. If I eat too much during the day I won’t eat at night – I don’t eat more than 500 calories per day. [more quietly, ashamed to admit this] Sometimes I wish I could throw up if I eat too much. … I can’t make myself do it like so many other people can. So I just sit there feeling fat and gross.

Jenny: [surprised] How did you know? Actually, I love looking for new recipes and cooking for my friends and family. I don’t eat with them because I’m always prepping the next course, but I love to see people enjoying my cooking. … [pauses] Sometimes I do think a lot about food and calories. It’s worst when I’m hungry. I hate feeling hungry – it’s a sign of weakness. When I’m hungry, I drink water and diet soda to fill up… I love watching other people eat, because then I realize how much more control I have.

Jenny: Yeah … When I was 14 and my body changed. I had a really hard time skating with my new body … my coach told me I was getting chubby. He told my mom to take me to a dietitian, and they put me on a really strict diet. My mom monitored my diet and planned all my meals. I lost like 15 lb in 6 months, and everyone told me I looked great! That’s when I started focusing on what I ate and food even more. I even started dreaming about eating! I felt really strong when I controlled what I ate and lost weight. I was able to keep losing weight ... [an afterthought] I did get some weird side effects, like my hair being dry and breaking, and my fingernails cracking really easily. Oh! … and I was freezing all the time, not just when I was at the rink. Then when I broke my hip I couldn’t train or exercise. I gained all the weight back … and then some. Then I didn’t think about it for a while.

Jenny: I’ve always been good at school – I’ve always been a straight-A student. I graduated high school with a 3.96 GPA. I got accepted to all these highly competitive schools, but then [pause] I decided to go to community college with my friends. My dad was so embarrassed of me. He told people at church I was “taking a year off” to think over my academic goals and find the “right” school. [sadly] I was so sorry I let him down. I wish we were closer … and then broke my hip and had to go through all that rehab. When I was 19, I decided to transfer to the state college, where I am now. I’ve done really well, but lately I’ve been having a hard time concentrating and sleeping, so my grades are slipping a little. I really want to move out, but I don’t want to leave my mom alone, so I still live at home. That can make it hard to socialize. I volunteer at an animal shelter on the weekends ... [softly] I love animals. My friends don’t get my relationship with my mom or my focus on dieting … [softly] the animals don’t judge me.

Jenny: [quietly] This morning, when I woke up, I thought to myself, “I can’t live like this anymore. I really think I might die.” [with determination, convincing herself] But then I snapped out of it and told myself not to overreact and that I was just shaky and weak because I had just woken up.

NARRATOR: 12-year-old Natasha is the youngest girl in the clinic. She was admitted six weeks ago, at just over 4 stone.

NATASHA: You don't really mind if you die, to be honest, because you're not that happy anyway.

NURSE: Did you sleep well?

NATASHA: Yeah.

NURSE: That's really good.

NATASHA: When they were telling that I would die, I was thinking, well, you said that to me a week ago, and I'm not dead now. And I've lost more weight. And you never really-- you push it to the limit, really.

NURSE: You're 0.05 above your line.

NATASHA: Is that all?

Because people at school were saying that I was already skinny, but I didn't think so. I wanted to see it for myself. And so that's when you stop eating and you still don't see it.

Others say you're freakishly skeletal, but you don't see it.

When you step on the scales and see that you've gained weight, you just sort of think, you're a failure. You're a huge hunk and you've gained so much weight in such a short space of time.

When I get to my target weight, I know that I'm going to feel absolutely disgusting. I'm just going to feel horrible. And I'll want to lose more weight.

STEVE HARTMAN: It's generally not polite to stare at people in a gym. But here at the YMCA in Nashville, Tennessee, there was one college girl named Lauryn Lax that some people couldn't help but look at. In their minds, Lauryn was clearly anorexic.

MAN 1: Her body was just deteriorating and you could see it.

MAN 2: Her eyes were getting kind of gray and sunk in, and it didn't look good.

STEVE HARTMAN: They say it was a pity to watch. And most people would have probably left it at that. Just watched. But not these Y members.

MAN 3: We knew what we had to do.

STEVE HARTMAN: First thing they did was secretly track down Lauryn's parents who lived in another state. Her folks confirmed that Lauryn was anorexic and had been since she was about 10. Over the years, she'd been in and out of treatment several times to no avail.

Again, hearing that, most people would have just let it be. But instead, this group began plotting their own intervention.

WOMAN 1: We can't sit back and one day she not be here because we didn't do something.

STEVE HARTMAN: It happened here in the parking lot. When Lauryn arrived for her workout, they surrounded her car and told her they were taking her to the hospital. Lauryn protested.

She cried. Said, leave me alone pretty forcefully. And yet, this random group of people who really barely knew her refused to give up on her

MAN 1: We said we're not taking no for an answer. Please, we're just going to take you to the hospital and have your vital signs checked.

MAN 3: We could not let her get away. If she left us, we'd never see her again.

STEVE HARTMAN: They all agree, especially Lauryn.

LAURYN: I don't think I would be here talking today.

STEVE HARTMAN: It was that desperate?

LAURYN: Yes At that point, yes.

STEVE HARTMAN: Lauryn says not long after they brought her here to the Vanderbilt Medical Center. Her heart came so close to failing doctors almost had to put in a pacemaker. But she survived that scare, went back into treatment, and now three years later and 36 pounds heavier she's a new person.

LAURYN: I cannot even express how my mind thinks so differently than I did.

STEVE HARTMAN: What a gift they gave you. They gave you your life.

LAURYN: Honestly, no way-- I don't think I can say thank you, though, for how much-- they were the instigators of starting my recovery. How are you?

MAN 1: Good to see you.

STEVE HARTMAN: In our not my problem, every man for himself society, there are still those who believe it takes a village. Who help people, not because they're friends or family, but because they're human.

WOMAN 2: You look so wonderful!

STEVE HARTMAN: Tomorrow, Lauryn is graduating with a doctorate in occupational therapy. She plans to devote her life to helping others with eating disorders, which I think makes for a pretty good thank you.

Steve Hartman, On the Road, in Nashville.