Monica McGoldrick Conducts Family Therapy

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: So how you doing?

JOSE: Well, I guess we're all right, considering.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Yeah? Tell me a little. I haven't seen you now for a couple of weeks.

JOSE: Well you want to talk first, or you want me to start?

ROSA: You can start.

JOSE: OK. Well, things have been pretty much the same, same old, same old. My daughter's still not getting the attention that she really needs.

And yeah, I am worried about that. Vanessa's here in the picture, and she's getting treated, as always, the queen. So I'm really worried about—after finding out what had happened with our daughter also, yeah, I'm worried. What's going to happen now?

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: So you're worried about Maria?

JOSE: Yes, I am. I am definitely worried about Maria. Again, yeah, she claims the two jobs. She does a lot at the two jobs. But that time off that she takes, she uses all that time on Vanessa alone.

She claims that she loves our daughter Maria, but saying I love you and showing it are two different things.

ROSA: How can I show it?

JOSE: Of course, because you're with Vanessa.

ROSA: I show it by what I'm trying to do for my children and you. I am doing the very best that I can. I love my daughter Maria. My god, I do. I love Vanessa, too.

You can love all your children equally. I love them both the same. Maria's with us constantly. Remember, Vanessa just came in. I'm trying to make up for all those years. And I'm trying to integrate her in this family.

I'm trying for Maria to look and say, wow, I have a big sister here. And you have been trying to see if you can accept her, maybe not as your daughter but to just accept her and give her a chance.

JOSE: I don't understand. How can Maria say I have a big sister here when her big sister is mostly with her mother? And they're not here. You're out shopping with her, buying her things, whatever.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: The whole interaction of the couple so far seems like Roberto bickering with his wife and complaining about Vanessa. It is almost as if the whole effort of the previous session has been forgotten.

At first, I'm not sure how to intervene. But finally, I decide to return to that previous conversation and see if I can bring them back to the larger picture.

ROSA: Two weeks ago—

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: So listen. Can I just—let me just stop you for a sec. I want to pick up on where we ended the last time and just check about that. Do you remember what we were talking about, the homework? You had a little homework?

JOSE: About the music?

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Yes, about the music.

JOSE: Yeah, I remember about that.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Yeah.

JOSE: I do.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Did you do it?

JOSE: Did I get to finish it? I started it. But did I get to finish it? No, I did not get to finish it.

And it was something that we were supposed to do together, but I just took it upon myself to do something on my own—

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: You did—

JOSE: To let my daughter know. I have a few words that I wrote down. I can say them to you, if you like. But they're in Spanish.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Hm. Really?

JOSE: Mm-hm.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: OK. Give it a go. I'd love to hear.

JOSE: Would you?

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Yeah, I would.

JOSE: OK.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

That's how I started it.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Really? Can you tell me what that means?

JOSE: It means, "Daughter, daughter of mine, I tell you with all my emotions that I love you." and I just want to let her know that I will never leave her alone, that I'll always be there for her. So basically, that's what the song's going to be about, that. I'm just always going to be there for her.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Mm-hm. But now, that's a little bit different than what we had talked about last time. My thought was—because I was very moved by the story both of you shared about each of your family experiences. And my sense was I feel it even more strongly now, having had the chance today to talk to her by herself of how much she cares about you.

But she kind of has absorbed the burdens of a lot of the pain and the hard experiences that you both had had. And my thought was that if you could find a way through your music to share something for both of you with her, it might help free her a little bit but also help her see that you're going to deal with your issues and that she doesn't have to be worried about you.

She does worry about your fighting. It scares her.

JOSE: I imagine.

ROSA: Imagine how she sees this.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: She feels responsible. I'm sure you wouldn't want that for her. Well, my sense is that she needs to know from the two of you that you can resolve your issues. And that's what I was really hoping with the music.

What were your thoughts about the music?

ROSA: I have a question, if I may—

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: Sure—

ROSA: Of Jose. With all these problems that are arising, especially our daughter Maria that's tried to kill herself—it's horrible even to say it. It's horrible—I I want to ask you, what are you prepared to do about us as a family? What do you want to do from your heart about you and I, Maria, and Vanessa?

JOSE: You're asking me that question.

ROSA: Yes.

JOSE: Shouldn't you be asking yourself that question also, though? What are you prepared to do, as far as—because I'm here with Maria, I give Maria attention. I may not be able to give her what you give Vanessa, as far as materialistically. But I give her the attention. I give her love.

ROSA: I give her love, too.

JOSE: How?

ROSA: When I'm home, I do.

JOSE: When are you home?

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: As you can see, Rosa completely ignored my question about the music and subtly hijacked the conversation. I say "subtly" because she started with a soft tone of voice, asking if she could ask a question, which was hard for me to turn down.

But then the question quickly turned into an attack, which he followed with a counterattack. In retrospect, I wish I had found a way to gently point out to Rosa that she had completely sidestepped my question. Family and couples sessions often move so quickly that it's impossible to always catch these things before they escalate.

But it does give you a window into how the interactions at home probably go south, where each party is so revved up about what they're upset about that they don't really listen to what the other is saying. The good news is that if you miss the chance to intervene the first time, you don't have to worry. Such interactions are likely to repeat over and over.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: But let me interrupt you here.

ROSA: Here we go.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: OK. But see, my sense is that both of you care deeply about her.

ROSA: Yes.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: You're under a lot of stress now because you lost your job. You're ending up having to work two jobs.

ROSA: Yes.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: And on top of that, this is just the moment when Vanessa came because she's beginning college. So it's an added stress, you have your children very far away that you haven't been able to—

JOSE: Yes, I do—

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: To see as they've been growing up. So you have a lot of hard things in your lives.

ROSA: A lot.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: And I don't think you are each other's enemy. It sounds like you can get into that. And it's easy when you're under a lot of stress to feel like if only she would do this differently, if only he would do this differently.

ROSA: Right.

MONICA MCGOLDRICK: But my sense from these conversations is you're both on the same side. But I want to help you to really build on that because I think she needs it. And my guess is Vanessa needs that, as well. You know?

ROSA: Can Vanessa and you—can you see that there could be some kind of amicable relationship, at least, on your part, that you can try?

It isn't easy for me, either. I'm trying to make you happy. I'm trying to make Maria happy. I'm trying to make Vanessa happy. What do you want me to do?

What do you want me to do? I love both my daughters. Can you understand that? I love both my daughters.

JOSE: I love my daughter, too. And I think I can come around and yeah, be a little more likable with Vanessa, a little more lovable.

ROSA: Thank you.

JOSE: But the thing is here, as you were just mentioning before, that you see that we are somewhat in the same side, also. You're on the outside, and you're seeing this. And a thought just came to my mind of yeah, maybe there's something that I may be able to work out.

Maybe I should think about what's going on right now with this family. And maybe I can try and get a job. But the thing is what I'm really feeling here is she is set in a career. She works at the hospital.

She's an X-ray technologist. She does the emergency room. I, on the other hand—construction work. No business now, the economy, and everything else—so I feel the shame.

[MUSIC PLAYING]