When Congressman Joe Wilson (R-S.C.) shouted, “You lie!” during the 2009 State of the Union address, few people were amused. Although many Americans may have been dissatisfied with President Barack Obama’s policies, and most Americans cherish their right to free speech, Wilson’s outburst was widely regarded as inappropriate. Even Senator John McCain, Wilson’s fellow Republican from Arizona, called the outburst “totally disrespectful” and maintained that Wilson “should apologize immediately” (Reaction, 2009).

Communication is appropriate when it meets the demands of the situation as well as the expectations of others present. In almost all situations, cultural norms and rules set the standards for expectations. Had Wilson called the president a liar in a newspaper interview or even during debate on the House floor, the incident would have received less press. But the State of the Union is a nationally televised address and a very formal affair. During the address, members of Congress traditionally defer to a code of etiquette that demands respect for the presidency and all that it represents, regardless of who is in office at the time. Wilson’s outburst was considered inappropriate because of the particular setting in which he said it.

Cultural norms affect individual behaviors in a similar way. For example, research shows that women tend to feel more comfortable expressing emotional caring to one another, often outright (using words of sympathy and comforting gestures), whereas men often feel they should show caring in less open ways (Burleson, Holmstrom, & Gilstrap, 2005). Thus, when comforting their friend Joe after the loss of his partner, Eva sat and held Joe’s hand, while Dave got on the phone to help Joe manage details for the funeral.

Successful communicators know what is and isn’t appropriate in a variety of situations. Moreover, they have behavioral flexibility: the ability to use a number of different behaviors depending on the situation. So although you might love to talk about politics or your grades when you’re with your friends, you might decide that these topics aren’t appropriate during Passover dinner at your aunt’s house.