Influencing Others

Most communication is influential in one way or another. Some influence is intentional: a politician uses gestures strategically during a press conference to shape how voters perceive her. Other influence is unintentional; Michaela’s lack of eye contact during an after-class meeting gives her professor the sense that she lacks confidence, but she’s really just having trouble with her contact lenses.

The ability of one person, group, or organization to influence others, and the manner in which their relationships are conducted, is called control. Unlike affection, which you can give and receive infinitely, control is finite: the more control one person has in a relationship, the less the others in the relationship have. Distribution of control is worked out between the relational partners through communication—by how they talk with each other, what they say, and when they interact. This negotiation of control may seem like a power struggle at times. 1 But it is a necessary aspect of every type of relationship: between family members, friends, romantic partners, colleagues, doctors and patients, teachers and students, and advertisers and consumers.

1 Some scholars use dominance as a synonym for control. See, for example, Dillard, Solomon, and Palmer (1999).

The amount of control you have over others or that they have over you varies, depending on the situation and each person’s status. Sometimes control shifts from one party to another. For example, as a new bank employee, Manny looks to his manager, Alexis, for direction and advice about how to do his job well. The unequal control distribution is appropriate and meets Manny’s and Alexis’s expectations of their job responsibilities. But as Manny becomes more comfortable in the job, he will likely take more control, and Alexis will let him work more independently. This redistribution of control is a natural process.

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In most learning environments, teachers should have more control than students in the classroom.

Culture and You

In your family’s culture and relationships, are there members who tend to have greater control than others? If so, who are they, and why do you think that is? Have you noticed different distributions of control in other families or groups of friends?

What About You?

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Assessing Your Control Needs

Answer these questions to understand how you negotiate control in certain situations.

  1. You are unhappy with your roommate because you feel that he does not do his share of cleanup in the kitchen. You
    1. A. continuously point out when it is his turn to clean up.
    2. B. tell him to forget it and do it yourself.
    3. C. give him the silent treatment until he realizes you’re upset.
    4. D.ask why he doesn’t do the chores and consider reassigning tasks.
  2. Your family is planning a summer reunion. You
    1. A.push to have it when and where you want.
    2. B.take over the planning yourself.
    3. C.leave it to other family members to haggle over the annoying details.
    4. D.participate in the decision process, volunteering to do your share.
  3. You’re assigned to a group project in class. You
    1. A.take leadership early, telling others what to do to get an A.
    2. B.give up trying to get everyone to cooperate and just do the work yourself.
    3. C.sit back and let others take leadership roles.
    4. D.help distribute tasks and work on a time line with others.
  4. You are reviewing an employee’s performance. You
    1. A.speak to the employee about his or her strengths and weaknesses and outline a plan to meet goals.
    2. B.deliver a written evaluation without a face-to-face meeting.
    3. C.avoid any formal evaluation and hope the employee figures things out.
    4. D.ask the employee for a self-evaluation and respond to it.

If you responded A to most items: You are comfortable exerting a lot of control, though you should express affiliation (respect, liking) so that others know you care about and respect them.

If you responded B to most items: You have a tendency to take control because you don’t have much confidence in others. Instead, try having confidence in your ability to influence others so you don’t end up doing everything yourself.

If you responded C to most items: You have a low control need. This often helps you avoid confrontation, but you’re probably not getting your needs met in a number of areas.

If you responded D to most items: You are more willing to share control in relationships, making you more likely to accomplish goals with the cooperation of others.

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