The Relational and Situational Listening Contexts

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Imagine that you’re a shy, introverted person, standing in a crowd of people at a party or a conference. You positively hate events like this, vastly preferring interpersonal or very small group activities. Your friend Yvonne asked you to come here, but as usual, she is late. (You’ve stopped going to the movies with Yvonne since it’s pointless to pay $12 for a ticket when you’ll miss the first half hour of the film.) Suddenly, Yvonne calls you on your cell phone and begins a hasty explanation: “I’m sorry I’m late, but . . .” You may hear Yvonne’s excuse, but are you listening?

The situation we’re in and the relationship we have with other communicators at any given time have a profound effect on our communication. When you’re in an unfamiliar or uncomfortable place or at a formal event (such as a funeral, a wedding, or a professional conference), you may experience the sort of listening apprehension that we discussed earlier. And in some situations, such as a party, background noise can make it hard for you to listen. You’ve most likely been in a situation where so many people were talking or music was playing so loudly that you literally had to scream to be heard. In cases like this, it feels as if it takes all your energy and concentration just to make out a conversational partner’s words. Clearly, this kind of situational context can make communication more challenging.

The relational context can also create problems. Take your friend Yvonne. As great a friend as she is, you perceive her chronic lateness as a sign that she doesn’t value your time or friendship. So when she tries to explain why she’s late for this particular event, you hardly pay attention. You offer no empathy, and you don’t think deeply about her message. Perhaps it’s another excuse about car trouble or running into an old friend on her way to meet you. But maybe it isn’t—and there’s something far more serious going on with Yvonne. The only way to find out is to listen actively.