Costs and Rewards
Page 152
Every relationship has advantages and disadvantages for the parties involved. A close friendship may offer companionship and intimacy, but you will also need to accept your friend’s negative personality characteristics and invest time in working through difficult situations together. Social exchange theory explains this process of balancing the advantages and disadvantages of a relationship (Cook, 1987). Relationships begin, grow, and deteriorate based on an exchange of rewards and costs.
Ethics and You
Have you ever had a relationship where the costs began to outnumber the rewards? Did you attempt to repair the relationship? If so, what repair tactics did you use? If you haven’t been in that situation, how do you think you would handle it?
Rewards are the elements of a relationship that you feel good about—things about the person or your relationship that benefit you in some way. There are extrinsic rewards, the external advantages you gain from association with another person (such as social status or professional connections); instrumental rewards, the resources and favors that partners give to one another (for example, living together to save money); and intrinsic rewards, the personally satisfying rewards that result from an exchange of intimacy (for instance, intellectual stimulation or feelings of safety) (Rempel, Holmes, & Zanna, 1985). Costs, by contrast, are the things that upset or annoy you, cause you stress, or damage your own self-image or lifestyle. If you find your relationship too costly (for example, there is a lot of conflict, jealousy, or infidelity), you may decide to engage in negative behaviors or end the relationship (Dainton & Gross, 2008; Guerrero, La Valley, & Farinelli, 2008).
The social exchange of costs and benefits is inherently complicated. You might wonder, for example, why The Good Wife’s Alicia Florrick (or any of the real-world political wives who inspired the character) would stand by her husband after he humiliated her with an affair that became public. But the benefits of her marriage (including the love and the history she shares with her husband and the stability the marriage provides for her children) might outweigh the costs (such as her personal humiliation or her subsequent distrust of her husband).