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Mary and Justin

At the beginning of this chapter, we met Mary and Justin, a couple struggling to maintain a close and functional family life during Justin’s regular military deployment. Let’s consider how they deal with the strains of time, distance, and uncertainty in light of what we’ve learned in this chapter.

  • Military spouses often take on the role of single parents, making new rules and routines for interaction with the children when their partners are gone. When the soldier returns, his or her unfamiliarity with these behaviors may strain communication. When Justin is home, he and Mary talk a lot about how they should guide and discipline their sons, so that the boys feel consistency—and so that they manage the dialectical tension of autonomy-connection.
  • Technology can help some military families keep abreast of one another’s lives. Depending on what technologies are available (and when), families can talk every day or regularly. They can also engage in activities together, even though they are far apart. Mary and Justin like to choose a book that they read independently and then discuss when they have time together. They also pray together at an agreed-upon time, even though they are not connected physically or electronically. These simple but meaningful activities help them feel a sense of closeness despite the distance.
  • Sharing family news—whether big (“Doug made the basketball team”) or small (“Daniel was home from school today with a bit of a cold”)—helps keep Justin involved in the family’s day-to-day activities. Mary and Justin’s discussions of their daily lives help them increase feelings of intimacy.
  • Sahlstein, Maguire, and Timmerman (2009) urge military couples to develop better communication skills to handle separations and reunions. For example, Justin worries that if he self-discloses his emotions (particularly negative ones) about his experiences, he may be seen as weak, but he also knows that talking about them with Mary (who shows support without judgment) helps him deal with his experiences (another example of the openness-closedness dialectic).