Julie Zeilinger

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Julie Zeilinger writes blogs and articles on women’s issues. She founded The F Bomb, a critically acclaimed feminist blog that focuses on women’s rights, and has published articles in the Huffington Post, Feminist.com, and Skirt Magazine. In 2012, her book A Little F’d Up: Why Feminism is Not a Dirty Word was published. That same year, she was honored in More Magazine’s feature, “What the New Feminists Look Like.” In the following selection, Zeilinger insists that men should be allowed to express their emotions. After reading the essay, answer the critical reading questions that follow.

AS YOU READ: How does Zeilinger contrast internal pressures and external expectations?

1

Guys are supposed to be rocks, inside and out. They are supposed to be defined more by their muscles and brute force than by any complex or unique personality trait. Ideally, they should physically be so steely and impervious that they could plausibly be cast in a Transformers film . . . as an actual alien Transformer. If we were to look inside these ideal men, we’d find a tangled mess of barbed wire encapsulating a ravenous lion decapitating a tiny bunny. There would probably be a camouflage color scheme thrown in there too. Guys certainly aren’t allowed to let the world see that they do in fact have emotions. No, they throw those feelings to the feral beast within.

2

But here’s the problem: Guys do have emotions. Guys live an external reality that is in complete contradiction with their internal reality. So what can guys do when they experience real honest-to-god feelings? Well, for those who try to adhere to these masculinity standards to their utmost ability, they have to disconnect. They must detach themselves from their emotions. And it’s not just emotions like “sad” or “ecstatic.” It’s emotions like “empathy” and “sympathy,” which, when you think about it, is pretty damn scary. So guys can either detach and live a life numb to a true range of human emotion, or live in a state of contradiction. Not the greatest options.

3

The woes of men don’t end there. Oh no. On top of embodying various types of metals inside and out, guys must also be “successful.” But the definition of male success is quite elusive. It doesn’t necessarily mean having a great, loving family and friends who care about you. It’s probably not about becoming an abstract painter, or being the type of passionate, energetic high school teacher who inspires a group of jaded and self-defeating innercity kids to want more for themselves via the power of the pen and self-expression. No. In order to be successful, guys must be cunning. They must get ahead of others in order to obtain success, which is usually defined by two things: money and power. In fact, though I kind of hate to use the word “winning” (Charlie Sheen connotations abound), it has become kind of synonymous with “masculinity."

4

Men feel as much competition and pressure as women do. They have to be strong. They must conceal their emotions. They need to obtain wealth and power. But while we ladies generally deal with this pressure internally, forcing ourselves to get excellent grades and taking out our issues on our bodies, guys are far more external in their expression of the same pressures and competition.

5

Why do guys like violent video games so much? Why do they feel the need to physically fight (or at least threaten to), even over the stupidest stuff, in a way girls rarely do? Why do they put younger guys through ridiculous hazing, which ranges from gross and uncomfortable (I’ve heard of senior athletes forcing underclassmen players to eat ten Big Macs in less than ten minutes) to the seriously violent and dangerous (being beaten with two-by-fours)? Better yet, why do they subject themselves to such degrading abuse at all?

6

Guys engage in violent activities (whether simulated or real) as a way to release the pressure, but also, circuitously, as a way to prove their masculinity—as a way to make that competition with other guys an actuality. Guys strictly monitor each other to sniff out and point out “weaknesses” in other guys, which gives them some illusion of feeling stronger and more masculine.

7

I’ve always suspected that’s why guys love telling jokes about women and gay guys. Even if a guy swears up and down he’s not sexist or homophobic, by telling these jokes he is, at the very least, reminding the world he’s a straight dude—clearly not the alternatives, which he so disdains.

8

And what about guys who dare to take on qualities that could be considered feminine? Like, for instance, guys who care about their appearance, who wear tight clothes, or who are just generally considered “effeminate”? Well, those men are threats. For guys clinging to masculinity standards for dear life, who use those guidelines as a complete roadmap for how to exist in the world, they’re terrifying. For some guys, it’s a seriously deep terror rooted in the threat of losing their own identity. They see other guys rejecting what has been prescribed of them based on their gender, and they’re terrified of the consequences of doing the same. Because if they were to really examine themselves, if they were to reject the masculinity standards that shape their entire identity and personality, then they might just find that they never actually had an identity to begin with. And really, what’s scarier than that?

9

But forget the implications for jerks who give any guy who refuses to live up to masculinity standards a hard time. Let’s consider how this actually affects the guys who reject traditional masculinity standards. Specifically, let’s consider gay men. I asked a young gay friend of mine about his experience, and he had some pretty eloquent things to say.

10

“Being a gay man has instilled a sense of displacement, no matter where I may be, or who I’m with,” he said. As a man, he explained, he feels the pressure to meet masculinity standards—which he (and other gay men) may manifest by engaging in and promoting promiscuity. But he also feels a kinship with women, as he understands what it’s like to be marginalized. “Being a gay man [means] trying to overcome both male and female stigmas,” he said. “Gay men and feminists have similar ambitions, but it’s hard, because gay men are ultimately men, so they have to strive to promote a sense of masculinity that works for them and goes hand-in-hand with the feminist doctrine of personal pride and worth.”

11

And that’s how a gay man feels in the context of an overall peaceful and unbothered state. That’s not even considering what happens when bullying, violent hate crimes, and homophobia at large get thrown into the mix.

12

In this society, adhering to the standards imposed by masculinity means never developing your true identity, never taking the opportunity to find out who you really are. Expressing feelings and exploring interests—including things that aren’t strictly “manly”—are part of being human. But if you want to be the stereotypical man, you have to forget about those things. Just like we girls have to forget about enjoying food and having interests outside of shopping and boys.

13

Sometimes when I look around and see all of my peers, guys and girls alike, desperately trying to live up to their prescribed gender roles, often at the expense of their own well-being, I feel like I’m crazy. I wonder, Am I the only one who didn’t get the memo? Should I be more preoccupied with how many calories are in my food than the fact that it’s buttery and delicious and my stomach is so happy it’s as if there is a wild conga line proceeding through it? Should I be spending more time trying to get a boyfriend? Is that what life is about?

14

And I’m sure there are guys who wonder these things too. Who look around and see how they’re expected to put as many hours into ESPN and the weight room as they do into basic functions like sleeping and eating, all so that they can talk the talk and walk the walk. Is this really it? they must think. Is this all we’re supposed to care about? Things like sex, sports, and food? Of all the things available to us in this world, even if those things are great, are these the only things we’re able to come away with?

Credit: Zeilinger, Julie. “Guys Suffer from Gender Roles Too.” From A Little F’d Up: Why Feminism Is Not a Dirty Word by Julie Zeilinger. Reproduced with permission of Publishers Group West in a book/e-book via Copyright Clearance Center.

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