Chapter 92. Attraction

1. Even though there are more than seven billion humans on this planet, most adults claim only a few dozen friends—and only a handful of romances. What determines our attraction to these special people? The most basic factor is proximity. We tend to become friends with, and perhaps fall in love with, the people we meet regularly at work, at school, or in our neighborhood.

2. Physical attractiveness (as defined within a particular culture) is also a factor, especially in the early stages of romantic relationships. However, long-lasting bonds between friends and lovers seem to depend more on the factor of similarity in interests, values, and attitudes toward important issues.

3. This difference between an initial attraction and a long-term relationship also applies to theories about the nature of romantic love, including those by psychologists Elaine Hatfield and Robert Sternberg. For most couples, the early stage of a relationship is dominated by passionate love, accompanied by high emotional arousal. If the relationship endures over time, it generally shifts to companionate love, a calmer but still deeply satisfying bond.

4. Some researchers claim that love has three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passionate love combines passion and intimacy, while companionate love combines intimacy and commitment.

5. Clearly, intimacy is important in both friendships and romantic relationships. Intimacy is fostered by self-disclosure, as people share very personal details about their experiences and their interests. Intimacy is also strengthened when friends or lovers provide emotional support (and physical support) in times of distress.