[DOOR CLOSES]

They bought it.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHAINSAW REVVING]

[GLASS BREAKING]

-Incredible-- one of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second. How could I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?

This is my ninth sick day this semester. It's getting pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung. So I better make this one count.

The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good nonspecific symptom. I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock but you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school.

You fake a stomach cramp. Then, when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid but then, so is high school.