Resolve Conflict
Conflict arises when two or more people disagree. Disagreeing with a friend about which movie to see, disputing your grade on a pop quiz, receiving a customer complaint — these and many other types of disagreement can lead to conflict, which makes it an inevitable — and normal — part of life. But not all conflict is the same. In cases where the disagreement is minor, for example, the incident may end with a quick compromise. In cases where you feel that compromising would go against your values, on the other hand, the conflict may be harder to resolve.
Conflict can be scary, and we all deal with it in different ways. Some people deny there’s a problem or give in to the other person to maintain harmony. On the opposite end of the spectrum are those who fight ferociously for what they believe in or compete to “win” every time. But the ideal outcome of any conflict is a resolution that’s agreeable to everyone involved. Such resolutions often require collaboration among the parties.
As we saw earlier, communicating effectively and honing your emotional intelligence can help you work through difficult situations. But you can also use assertiveness and “I” statements.
ACTIVITY: In pairs, have students discuss how they typically address conflict. Do they try to deny that it exists, avoid it, compromise, fight for what they believe in, compete to win, or collaborate to find a win-win resolution? Does their tactic depend on the situation? Have them explain their response or provide an example.
Be Assertive
Being assertive means stating your thoughts, feelings, and opinions and advocating for yourself without disrespecting others or their views. Although being assertive can be daunting, it’s good for your mental health and your relationships.4 For example, by letting an instructor know you need help in his or her class, you can gain access to resources that will help you succeed. By asking your boss for clarification on a work assignment, you can complete the assignment more effectively. By telling your romantic partner you want more intimacy, you can start a conversation in which you both brainstorm ways to feel more connected.
Assertiveness differs from passivity, in which people keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves to “avoid causing trouble.” Some situations call for passivity. For example, at the funeral of someone you thought was dishonest, it would be inappropriate to express your opinions about that person. However, your ideas, opinions, feelings, and needs matter. If you don’t speak up for yourself in situations where doing so is appropriate, your needs may go unmet.
Assertiveness also differs from aggression, which involves humiliating, criticizing, blaming, attacking, or threatening others. Aggressive communicators provoke feelings of fear or dislike. By contrast, assertive communicators are respectful. They take responsibility for getting their needs met, address issues as they arise, and speak openly and honestly.
To be an assertive communicator, you must first value yourself and know and respect your own feelings and opinions. Not everyone will like what you have to say, but by being honest, you’ll likely earn their respect. Consider these assertiveness strategies.
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Before making a request, know what you want to ask for.
Show confidence in your feelings and opinions by making eye contact with others and demonstrating confident nonverbal behavior, such as an open posture.
Speak clearly and concisely. Emphasize the key points you’re communicating.
If you’re making a statement, end it with a downward inflection in your voice. Ending with an upward inflection will make your statement sound like a question, signaling uncertainty.
If you didn’t do anything wrong, don’t apologize.
Remind yourself that you have the right to say “no” and to change your mind.
Take the strongest stance on issues that matter most to you. For less significant issues, practice the vital art of knowing when to let it go.
WRITING PROMPT: Have students write a short paragraph about a situation in which they behaved assertively: What was the result of this assertiveness? How did it feel to be assertive? Then ask them to write another paragraph about a situation in which they were passive or aggressive: What kept them from being assertive? What did they learn from that experience?
Use “I” Statements
Statements beginning with “I” show that you’re taking ownership of your thoughts and feelings — such as “I felt hurt when you didn’t respond to my text” or “I think I’m confused by your behavior.” By using “I” statements, you express your thoughts and feelings clearly, honestly, and constructively5 and create a respectful environment in which you can explain how something the other person said or did has affected you. During disagreements or conflicts, “I” statements give the receiver the chance to respond or clear up any misunderstanding and give the speaker a chance to request the receiver’s help in finding a solution.
For example, suppose Petra, your housemate, keeps leaving dirty dishes in the sink before heading off to work. You’re angry, and your first impulse is to say, “You’re such a slob” or “You’re the most inconsiderate person I know.” Such blaming or judging statements tend to make others defensive.6 Instead, you might say calmly: “I get frustrated when you leave dirty dishes in the sink because I feel like I have to spend extra time scraping them off, and it’s harder for me to get to school on time. I’d like to talk about this so we can find a solution.” By sharing your feelings, Petra has a chance to reflect on her behavior and how it affects you. She may feel motivated to start rinsing the dishes herself, but if not, you might respectfully suggest a solution: “Perhaps we could each be responsible for washing our own dishes. What if we agree to do this at least four times a week?”
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WRITING PROMPT: Ask students to write a summary of an interaction that did not go well. Next, have them reimagine the interaction using “I” statements. Do they think the interaction would have gone differently if they had used “I” statements the first time?
Use All Your Skills to Resolve Conflicts
Together, being assertive, using “I” statements, and drawing on the other skills you’ve learned about in this chapter (active listening, providing feedback, exercising emotional intelligence) can help you resolve conflicts. The following process, which incorporates each of these skills, shows you how.
Identify the problem. Use active listening to pinpoint the nature of the conflict. Then assertively state your perspective of it (“It seems to me that we disagree about who should do which parts of this project”). If several people are involved in the conflict, let all the participants provide their own perspective on what the problem is. Convey your understanding of their perspective by providing feedback.
Understand your emotions. Identify the feelings you’re experiencing. If they’re intensely negative, use your emotional intelligence to understand and manage them. Then provide an “I” statement to communicate your feelings (“I’m feeling frustrated by our inability to create a clear plan for this project, because without a plan we could do sloppy work and miss the deadline”).
Understand others’ emotions. Empathize with others or ask questions to better understand the feelings of those who disagree with you (“What’s causing you to feel upset by what I’m proposing?”).
Investigate others’ viewpoints. Ask questions to better understand others’ perspectives (“How did you arrive at your thoughts about who should do the various parts of the project?”).
Find common ground. Identify points of agreement (“I know we all want to submit a well-done project on time”).
Stay positive. Frame the conflict as a problem that needs to be solved — not an indication of poor character or incompetence on the part of those who disagree with you (“Let’s fix this situation together” versus “What’s wrong with you people?”).
Involve others in creating the solution. Ask everyone involved in the conflict to brainstorm possible solutions. List the potential solutions and talk about each one, with the goal of identifying one that everyone can accept and support.
Compromise if necessary. If it’s impossible to arrive at a solution that pleases everyone, see which participants are willing to compromise for the sake of moving forward. Implement the compromise, and thank them for helping the group make progress.
WRITING PROMPT: Ask students to write about a time when they were in a conflict: What made it a conflict? What emotions were they and the other person feeling? What got in the way of reaching a resolution? How could they have used these eight steps to improve the outcome? Have them be specific.
ACTIVITY: Create a conflict scenario that may be common among your student population. Divide the class into teams, and have them work through the scenario using the strategies discussed in this chapter. Invite students to role-play a possible outcome. Have a spokesperson from each group share the group’s experience with the class.
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