We all have a sense that close relationships are different from our casual interactions with strangers and acquaintances, but what exactly makes them special? According to both scholars and laypersons, closeness involves six components: knowledge, caring, interdependence, mutuality, trust, and commitment (Laurenceau et al., 2004; Marston et al., 1998; Parks & Floyd, 1996). Let’s look at each of these.

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People in close relationships know a lot about each other, and they are comfortable sharing intimate, often confidential, information about their personal histories, feelings, and desires that they do not typically share with casual acquaintances. They also feel more care or affection for one another than they do for most others. The closer people are, the more they experience interdependence: What each person does significantly influences what the other person does over long periods of time (Berscheid et al., 2004). Close relationships are also characterized by a high degree of mutuality: Partners acknowledge that their lives are intertwined, and they think of themselves as a couple (“us”) instead of two separate individuals (“me” and “you”) (Fitzsimons & Kay, 2004; Levinger & Snoek, 1972). People in close relationships also trust each other, meaning that they expect their partners to treat them with fairness, to be responsive to their needs, and not to cause them unnecessary harm (Reis et al., 2004; Simpson, 2007). Finally, closeness is defined by a high degree of commitment, meaning that partners invest time, effort, and resources in their relationship with the expectation that it will continue indefinitely.

Relationships that include all six of these components are the most satisfying and feel the closest to us. Nevertheless, closeness can exist to varying degrees when only some of these components are present. For instance, roommates who frequently influence each other (interdependence) and treat each other fairly (trust) are likely to feel closer to each other than they do to acquaintances, but not as close as they feel in relationships that include more components.

Breaking down closeness into these components helps us to understand a curious but common phenomenon: People can feel surprisingly close to others whom they’ve never met face to face, and even to others who do not exist outside the world of fiction. We’re referring, of course, to people’s relationships with those in the media: celebrities, television characters, talk-show hosts, athletes, and fictional characters in soap operas and novels. These are called parasocial relationships (Horton & Wohl, 1956). Unlike real close relationships with people we know personally, para-social relationships lack interdependency: Media personalities influence fans’ lives, but fans do not normally influence the personalities’ lives (aside from funding their commercial projects). Nevertheless, parasocial relationships usually include three components of closeness: Fans believe that they know the media personalities, they care what happens to them, and they are committed to following and supporting them.

Because parasocial relationships involve some components of closeness, we can understand why they are so important and satisfying for many people. In fact, people report turning to their favorite television programs when they feel lonely. Merely bringing to mind a favorite television program buffers people from feeling rejected when their real relationships are threatened (Derrick et al., 2009). What’s more, a parasocial breakup, such as when a favorite television character is killed off or otherwise taken off the air, can be as emotionally distressing as that of a real relationship (Cohen, 2004; Giles, 2002). And as some celebrities know too well, parasocial relationships have led some mentally unstable fans to stalking and even worse. For example, in chapter 12, we described how John Hinckley, Jr. became obsessed with and a stalker of Jodie Foster.

Of course, despite the importance that some people place on parasocial relationships, most close relationships involve real people interacting with each other. And so it is not surprising that theory and research in social psychology focus on real close relationships.

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Because close relationships involve a high degree of care, interdependency, and commitment, they can be very demanding. Your friends, family members, and romantic partners all expect you to respond to their needs in various ways, and often that means sacrificing your desires, your freedom, and even some of your aspirations. Also, as we all know, close relationships can be the source of extreme stress, frustration, and emotional pain. So why bother with them? To put the question another way: Why do people care so deeply about forming and maintaining close relationships, given how costly they can be?

One rather obvious answer to this question is that, despite their potential costs, close relationships have many practical benefits, meaning that they facilitate our day-to-day activities. They allow us to pool resources and share labor. For example, while your current author sits at home writing this chapter, my partner is braving the snow to pick up groceries, thus saving me time and effort and bringing me food: Relationships rule! Also, when we are distressed because we face a problem that is difficult to understand, others can provide much-needed advice and consolation. Indeed, when people are in situations in which something threatening is about to happen (e.g., electric shocks), they are especially desirous of contact with others, particularly those who are facing a similar threat (Schachter, 1959) or, even more so, who have already dealt with it (Kulik et al., 1994).

But pointing out practical benefits takes us only so far in explaining why people care about their close relationships. To see why, imagine that a devious genie appears and offers you a team of personal assistants devoted to satisfying all your tangible needs—the kind of care you currently get from your friends, family members, and romantic partners. But this will happen only on the condition that for the rest of your life you will never have a close, intimate connection with someone. Would you accept the offer? Most of us wouldn’t choose such a carefree but solitary life. People want—indeed need—love in their lives. Why is that?