Reducing Conflict in Intimate Relationships

Being able to handle interpersonal conflict is important in any relationship, but especially in long-term relationships like marriage. The demands and hassles of sharing and maintaining a household make occasional conflict in marriage virtually inevitable. Despite what many people think, the happiest long-term relationships are not conflict-free. Instead, as psychologist John Gottman has discovered, conflict plays a key role in marital happiness and stability.

Gottman (2002, 2011) has intensively studied hundreds of married couples over the years (see Gottman & others, 2006). He’s found that a couple’s relationship grows only if the couple successfully reconciles the inevitable differences that occur. As Gottman (1994) explains, “A certain amount of conflict is needed to help couples weed out actions and ways of dealing with each other that can harm the marriage in the long run.”

However, Gottman has observed patterns of reacting to and handling conflict that often sabotage a couple’s best efforts to resolve their differences. What goes wrong when a couple tries to resolve their differences? First, consider the two types of responses that Gottman (2011) has found to occur during emotional conflicts: flooding and stonewalling. Flooding means feeling overwhelmed (or “flooded”) by your own emotions—feeling upset and out of control. When flooded, people experience high levels of physiological arousal. Heart rate and blood pressure skyrocket. Although men are more likely to become flooded by their emotions, both men and women can experience this pattern. During marital conflict, people who are prone to flooding tend to experience a high level of unpleasant physiological arousal that makes it difficult to listen to a partner’s words (Gottman, 2002). Specifically, heart rate and blood pressure increase faster, elevate higher, and stay elevated longer. This strong physiological reaction tends to result in a reduced willingness to engage in conflict.

When flooded, what do people typically do? They go into the stonewalling mode—they withdraw to contain their uncomfortable emotions. As with flooding, both women and men engage in stonewalling, but men are much more likely to resort to this strategy (Baucom & others, 2010).

Now a vicious circle begins. Although stonewalling protects people from overwhelming stress and emotion, it creates enormous stress in their partners. This stress is particularly acute if the partner has a different style and is accustomed to working through emotional problems. A partner can experience stonewalling as disapproval and rejection—and sometimes as the ultimate power play. So what is the typical reaction to stonewalling? Frustrated and angry, the partner now reacts by flooding.

Flooding in response to stonewalling can often lead to an intensification of the expression of emotions, rather than withdrawal. This raises the temperature of the argument to a higher level and creates even more stress in the partner who is stonewalling, further increasing the urge to withdraw from the situation. In short, this is a very volatile scene. Each partner is exaggerating the frustration and emotional discomfort of the other. Especially in unhappy couples, Gottman has found that even minor disagreements can quickly escalate in this way, ending up as a no-holds-barred, extremely unpleasant fight.

Breaking the Vicious Circle of Flooding–Stonewalling–Flooding

John Gottman has written or co-written several books to help couples improve their relationships, including The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples (2011), 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage (2006), and The Relationship Cure (2001), all of which we highly recommend for people in all kinds of relationships. Here, we’ll summarize six suggestions for handling conflicts in a healthy, constructive manner.

1. Be aware of personality differences.

The first step in breaking the vicious circle of flooding–stonewalling–flooding is to be aware of the personality differences, related in part to gender, in handling emotion. For some, stonewalling is a protective strategy. It represents an attempt to contain disturbing emotions before they become overwhelming and out of control. When partners look at stonewalling in these terms, they’re less likely to interpret it as rejection and as a refusal to try to resolve differences.

For their part, people who tend to stonewall need to remember that their partners tend to view stonewalling as rejection, disapproval, and abandonment. Rather than abruptly stonewalling and withdrawing, it is important to explain their withdrawal. The explanation can be as simple as saying, “Look, I need to be alone for a while so I can calm down and think about what you’re saying. When I come back, we will keep talking.” For their part, the partners of stonewallers need to accept their need to temporarily withdraw from the situation.

2. Call a time-out.

Gottman (2011) advises that whenever either partner begins to feel overwhelmed or in danger of flooding, he or she should call a time-out—a 20 to 30-minute intermission with an agreement to continue the discussion after the break. Remember, it takes at least 20 minutes for physiological arousal to subside completely.

When one partner agrees to continue the discussion later and explains why he or she needs the time-out, the other partner is less likely to feel angered and threatened by the withdrawal. As simple as the time-out strategy is, it can promote more constructive and rational discussions, increasing the likelihood that a mutually acceptable solution to the problem will be found.

3. Focus on constructive thoughts.

It is critical that you listen to what you’re saying to yourself during the time-out. Rather than rehearsing hateful or vengeful comments, use the time-out to focus on calming thoughts about the immediate situation and on positive thoughts about your mate. For example, rather than saying to yourself, “He/she is such a (fill in with an insult),” try saying to yourself, “Calm down and get a grip on things. This is basically a good relationship and I do love her/him.” The important point here is to spend the time-out thinking about ways to resolve the conflict, not about ways to mount a more effective counterattack when the battle resumes.

4. Try to be objective.

Although it can be hard, try to view the argument from an outsider’s perspective. Eli Finkel and his colleagues have observed improvements in relationship quality when partners work at taking on the perspective of a neutral third party (Finkel & others, 2013). They suggest the following exercise: “Think about this disagreement with your partner from the perspective of a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved; a person who sees things from a neutral point of view. How might this person think about the disagreement? How might he or she find the good that could come from it?” If you find it difficult to imagine a neutral perspective, ask yourself why it is hard, and then keep trying to think in this way—even in the middle of an argument, if possible.

5. Resolve the problem together.

People who stonewall need to make a conscious effort to embrace, rather than avoid, the problem at hand. Gottman (1994) wrote about men, the more frequent stonewallers, “The most important advice I can give to men who want their marriages to work is to try not to avoid conflict. Sidestepping a problem won’t make it go away.” In other words, rather than withdrawing, you need to remember that your partner really cares about your relationship. That’s why she or he keeps confronting you—so the two of you can resolve the problem together.

6. Keep the focus on maintaining the relationship.

Although you should not avoid raising issues that are in need of resolution, if your partner tends to stonewall, try to do it calmly, avoiding personal attacks. Gottman advises that issues be framed in the context of maintaining a loving relationship. As Gottman (1994) put it, again referring to men as the partners more likely to stonewall, “It will be much easier for him to stay engaged if you let him know that talking together about what’s bothering you is a way to keep the love between you alive.”