Raising Psychologically Healthy Children

Unfortunately, kids don’t come with owners’ manuals. Maybe that’s why if you walk into any bookstore and head for the “parenting” section, you’ll see shelves of books offering advice on topics ranging from “how to toilet-train your toddler” to “how to talk to your teenager.” We’re not going to attempt to cover that range here. However, we will present some basic principles of parenting that have been shown to foster the development of children who are psychologically well-adjusted, competent, and in control of their own behavior.

Basic Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Children

Psychologist Diana Baumrind (1971, 1991, 2005) has described three basic parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. These parenting styles differ in terms of (1) parental control and (2) parental responsiveness to the child’s needs and wishes.

Parents with an authoritarian parenting style are demanding but unresponsive to their children’s needs or wishes. Authoritarian parents believe that they should shape and control the child’s behavior so that it corresponds to an absolute set of standards. Put simply, they expect children to obey the rules, no questions asked. Rules are made without input from the child, and they are enforced by punishment, often physical.

At the opposite extreme are two permissive parenting styles (Maccoby & Martin, 1983). Permissive-indulgent parents are responsive, warm, and accepting of their children but impose few rules and rarely punish their children. Permissive-indifferent parents are both unresponsive and uncontrolling. Establishing firm rules and consistently enforcing them is simply too much trouble for permissive-indifferent parents. If taken to an extreme, the lack of involvement of permissive-indifferent parenting can amount to child neglect.

The third style is the authoritative parenting style. Authoritative parents are warm, responsive, and involved with their children. They set clear standards for mature, age-appropriate behavior and expect their children to be responsive to parental demands. However, authoritative parents also feel a reciprocal responsibility to consider their children’s reasonable demands and points of view. Thus, there is considerable give-and-take between parent and child. Rules are firm and consistently enforced, but the parents discuss the reasons for the rules with the child.

How do these different parenting styles affect young children? Baumrind (1971) found that the children of authoritarian parents are likely to be moody, unhappy, fearful, withdrawn, unspontaneous, and irritable. The children of permissive parents tend to be more cheerful than the children of authoritarian parents, but they are more immature, impulsive, and aggressive. In contrast, the children of authoritative parents are likely to be cheerful, socially competent, energetic, and friendly. They show high levels of self-esteem, self-reliance, and self-control (Buri & others, 1988).

Decades of research has shown that parenting styles affect children’s competence, adjustment, delinquent behavior, and self-esteem (Heaven & Ciarrochi, 2008; Simons and Conger, 2007). Consistently, research has shown that authoritative parenting is associated with higher grades, lower rates of delinquent behavior, and lower rates of substance abuse than authoritarian or permissive parenting (Grusec, 2011; Turner & others, 2009).

Why does an authoritative parenting style provide such clear advantages over other parenting styles? First, when children perceive their parents’ requests as fair and reasonable, they are more likely to comply with the requests. Second, the children are more likely to internalize (or accept as their own) the reasons for behaving in a certain way and thus to achieve greater self-control (Martinez & Garcia, 2008).

In contrast, authoritarian parenting tends to promote rebellion and resentment. Because compliance is based on external control and punishment, children may not learn to control their own behavior (Gershoff, 2002). In a study that included participants from China, India, Italy, Kenya, Thailand, and the Philippines, authoritarian parenting produced anxiety and aggression in children (Gershoff & others, 2010).

Finally, the child with permissive parents may never learn self-control. And because permissive parents have low expectations, the child may well live up to those expectations by failing to strive to fulfill his or her potential (Baumrind, 1971). However, there is some evidence that the permissive parenting style has benefits in some cultures, including countries in South America and Southern Europe (see Garcia & Gracia, 2009; Martinez & Garcia, 2008). So, it may be that the effectiveness of particular parenting styles, like many other aspects of development, are affected by culture.

How to Be an Authoritative Parent: Some Practical Suggestions

Authoritative parents are high in both responsiveness and control. How can you successfully achieve that balance? Here are several suggestions based on psychological research.

1. Let your children know that you love them.

Attention, hugs, and other demonstrations of physical affection, coupled with a positive attitude toward your child, are some of the most important aspects of parenting, aspects that have enduring effects (Steinberg, 2001). Children who experience warm, positive relationships with their parents are more likely to become happy adults with stable marriages and good relationships with friends (Hardy & others, 2010). So the question is simple: Have you hugged your kids today?

2. Listen to your children.

Let your children express their opinions, and respect their preferences when it’s reasonable to do so. In making rules and decisions, ask for their input and give it genuine consideration. Strive to be fair and flexible, especially on issues that are less than earthshaking, such as which clothes they wear to school.

3. Use induction to teach as you discipline.

The most effective form of discipline is called induction because it induces understanding in the child. Induction combines controlling a child’s behavior with teaching (Hoffman, 1977). Put simply, induction involves consistently explaining (a) the reason for prohibiting or performing certain behaviors; (b) the consequences of the action for the child; and (c) the effect of the child’s behavior on others. When parents use induction, the child begins to learn that his parents’ actions are not completely arbitrary or unfair. The child is also more likely to internalize the reasoning and apply it in new situations (Kerr & others, 2004; Sorkhabi, 2010).

4. Work with your child’s temperamental qualities.

Think back to our earlier discussion of temperamental qualities. Be aware of your child’s natural temperament and work with it, not against it. If your child is very active, for example, it is unrealistic to expect him to sit quietly during a four-hour plane or bus trip. Knowing that, you can increase the likelihood of positive experiences by planning ahead. Bring coloring books, picture books, or small toys to occupy the young child in a restaurant or at a family gathering. Take frequent “exercise stops” on a long car trip. If your child is unusually sensitive, shy, or “slow-to-warm-up,” give her plenty of time to make the transition to new situations and provide lots of preparation so that she knows what to expect.

5. Understand your child’s age-related cognitive abilities and limitations.

Some parents make the mistake of assuming that children think in the same way adults do. They may see a toddler or even an infant as purposely “misbehaving,” “being naughty,” or “rebelling” when the little one is simply doing what one-year-olds or three-year-olds do. Your expectations for appropriate behavior should be geared to the child’s age and developmental stage. Having a thorough understanding of the information in this chapter is a good start. You might also consider taking a developmental psychology or child development class. Or go to your college library and check out some of the developmental psychology texts. By understanding your child’s cognitive abilities and limitations at each stage of development, you’re less likely to misinterpret behavior or to place inappropriate demands on him.

6. Don’t expect perfection, and learn to go with the flow.

Accidents happen. Mistakes occur. Children get cranky or grumpy, especially when they’re tired or hungry. Don’t get too bent out of shape when your child’s behavior is less than perfect. Be patient. Moments of conflict with children are a natural, inevitable, and healthy part of growing up. Look at those moments as part of the process by which a child achieves autonomy and a sense of self.

Finally, effective parenting is an ongoing process in which you, as the parent, should be regularly assessing your impact on your child. It’s not always easy to combine responsiveness with control, or flexibility with an appropriate level of firmness. When you make a mistake, admit it not just to yourself, but also to your child. In doing so, you’ll teach your child how to behave when she makes a mistake. As you’ll discover, children are remarkably forgiving—and also resilient.