In all romantic relationships, partners share differences as well as similarities. But during the first stage of coming apart, differentiating , the beliefs, attitudes, and values that distinguish you from your partner come to dominate your thoughts and communication (“I can’t believe you think that!”).

Most healthy romances experience occasional periods of differentiating. These moments can involve unpleasant clashes and bickering over contrasting viewpoints, tastes, or goals. But you can move your relationship through this difficulty—and thus halt the coming-apart process—by openly discussing your points of difference and working together to resolve them. To do this, review the constructive conflict skills discussed in Chapter 9.