Betrayal is one of the most devastating experiences that can occur in a close involvement (Haden & Hojjat, 2006). Romantic betrayal is defined as an act that goes against expectations of a romantic relationship and, as a result, causes pain to a partner (Jones, Moore, Scratter, & Negel, 2001). Common examples include sexual infidelity (engaging in sexual activity with someone else), emotional infidelity (developing a strong romantic attachment to someone else), deception (intentional manipulation of information), and disloyalty (hurting your partner to benefit yourself). But any behavior that violates norms of loyalty and trustworthiness can be considered betrayal.

In romantic relationships, partners inevitably behave in ways that defy one another’s expectations and cause disappointment. But betrayal is different. Betrayal is intentional. As a result, it typically evokes two intense, negative reactions in betrayed partners. The first is an overwhelming sense of relational devaluation—the realization that our partners do not love and respect us as much as we thought they did (Leary, 2001). This sense of devaluation, which is triggered most by sexual infidelity and deception, is difficult to overcome and often leads us to abandon our relationships. The second is a profound sense of loss. In the wake of betrayal, we may feel that all the time and effort we invested in our partner and the relationship were a waste, and that intimacy, commitment, and trust have been permanently destroyed (Haden & Hojjat, 2006). Consequently, when you are betrayed by a lover, expect to feel grief over the loss of the relationship that was. (See Chapter 4 for more on grief management.)