Family Stories

Characteristics and types define families from the outside looking in. But from the inside, one of the most powerful ways we define our collective family identity is to share stories (Tovares, 2010). Family stories are narrative accounts shared repeatedly within a family that retell historical events and are meant to bond the family together (Stone, 2004). For example, when I was growing up, family storytelling was a nightly ritual. Tales ranged from how my parents met at college to shared family experiences, like the great lengths I would go to avoid eating scrambled eggs. Even now, when we get together for visits, we relive and retell these stories and others like them, enjoying the sense of family history they provide.

Family stories help create and promote a unique family identity by teaching individuals about their role in the family and about the family’s norms, values, and goals (Kellas, 2005). They also provide powerful images of family relationships. When people tell family stories, they typically lace their narratives with opinions and emotions that make clear how they feel about other family members (Vangelisti, Crumley, & Baker, 1999). Importantly, it’s not just the content of the stories that bonds families together; it’s the activity of storytelling. Family members often collaborate in telling stories: adding details, disagreeing, correcting discrepancies, and confirming perspectives (Kellas, 2005).

However, family stories aren’t always positive; some criticize family values, condemn specific family members’ actions, or discourage dissent. These stories may also involve family histories of abandonment, abuse, or parental oppression—and corresponding lessons about how not to parent (Goodsell, Bates, & Behnke, 2010).

The breadth and depth of your family experiences provide a rich resource to share with family members. But not all shared experiences are ones your family members would like to relive. To ensure that family stories strengthen, rather than erode, family relationships, select experiences that cast the family and individual members in a positive light and that emphasize unity rather than discord. When sharing stories with younger family members, keep in mind that they will learn values from your story (Tovares, 2010). Ask yourself whether the story sends the message you intend about your family’s values.

Stories that cast individual family members in a humorous light require special care. Although such stories may be perfectly appropriate to share, make sure that the “target” family member enjoys and agrees to the telling. Avoid sharing stories that breach personal confidences (“John never told any of you what really happened, but here it is!”) or that make sport of family members in ways they don’t enjoy. When in doubt, simply (but privately) ask the family member whether he or she wants you to share the story. If the answer is “no,” keep silent.

Self-Reflection

What are the most memorable family stories that were shared with you during your upbringing? What lessons did they teach you about your family and the values that you share? Did the stories function to bring you together as a family, or drive you apart?

Question

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LearningCurve

Chapter 11